Expat Happy Hour with Sundae Bean 3qi1a

Legacy. Such a heavy word to hold in your hand. But what does it actually mean? At its core, legacy is creating something that exists independently of you. And to do that, there comes a moment where – as a leader – you have to “trust.” Leaders are notorious firestarters. They light the spark and then tirelessly tend to the coals. But the tricky part comes next. And a legacy-builder knows when to train and trust another to care for your precious coals. You shift into being the leader beside the leader, breaking free to go and blaze a new fire somewhere else. Welcome to an extra special episode to celebrate an extraordinary milestone. This week, sundaebean.com turns TEN, and to help us celebrate this monumental anniversary, I’ve brought in a familiar friend: Naomi Hattaway. An expert in proactive legacy design, Naomi has shared her remarkable personal and professional wisdom with us on IN TRANSIT three times. Today, Naomi will interview me, teasing out reflections about my decade gone by and helping me etch a glimpse into what comes next. Floating high from gratitude, I can’t let this go unsaid or get buried in the content. THANK YOU, from the bottom of my heart to my clients, coaches, collaborators, and listeners. You built who I am today because you gave me permission to work with you and allowed me inside your lives to share my messages. I acutely appreciate that this is an occasion that very few businesses get to commemorate, and it’s an achievement that I dedicate – in its entirety – to YOU. What You’ll Learn in this Episode: The grief of letting go Aim to cause a ripple effect vs. a viral spike Starting in the middle of your transformation When your heart delivers before you even ask The isolation of entrepreneurship The “Worthy Work” notebook Listen to the Full Episode: Featured: Get the nourishment you need from me 24/7/365 through Adapt & Succeed. My all-in-one program is ready to serve you a full buffet of transformation fuel and comfort food, and I’m sitting at the bar, waiting for you. Sundae’s Website Sundae’s Facebook Business Page – Sundae Schneider-Bean LLC Sundae Bean – YouTube Adapt and Succeed IN TRANSIT Hub Global Coach Coalition Year of Transformation IN TRANSIT Hub Community IN TRANSIT YouTube Channel Naomi Hattaway Catch These Podcasts / Articles: Legacy by Design with Naomi Hattaway We’re delighted to be in the Top 5 of the global Best 30 Expat Podcasts! Subscribe: iTunes | Android Full Episode Transcript: Transcript Hello, it is 10 a.m. in New York, 5 p.m. in Johannesburg, and 10 p.m. in Bangkok. Welcome to IN TRANSIT with Sundae Bean. I’m an intercultural strategist, transformation facilitator, and solution-oriented coach. And I am on a mission to help you adapt and succeed through ANY life transition.    Now, today is a huge day because I am inviting you to celebrate with me 10 years in business. I started my company back in June 2013, and I had no idea what was ahead. In today’s episode, I wanted to take a moment to do two things that are important to me. The first is to celebrate and the second is to reflect on where I am in the process of my own ambitious transformation, and that of my company and share the learnings with you.    So, I’m so excited. And to celebrate today and to make this episode extra special, I have invited Naomi Hattaway. You might recognize her from episode 297 Legacy by Design. Naomi Hattaway has recently launched Leaving Well Consulting a practice for individuals and organizations and board of directors who are in periods of transition, right? Sound familiar? She helps organizations be purposeful about the way they transfer knowledge and transition. She also creates stability for the stayers and help those that are leaving. This woman has been a friend and about transitions and transformation for years. So I’m so happy to be ed by her today.    Now, let me tell you, I asked her to me, I knew what my objectives were. I wanted to celebrate and wanted to share some updates that I haven’t really shared publicly and what happened is right before we hopped on the call. I just had this huge wave of emotion come up and it was just waiting to come out right when we started. And I think what that means is that there is one, a lot to process after 10 years. But also, when you’re making a shift, you’re making a transition, there’s a lot of emotions that are maybe not processed things that you’re letting go of and things that you were looking forward toward.    So here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to bring you in on that conversation. It is raw, it is emotional, it is joyful. And there were some “stop the record” moments of realization for me. This episode is dedicated deep deep down from my heart, to my clients to my coaches, to my listeners who have been with me at any point during this journey of the last 10 years. I want to say THANK YOU. Because YOU have built who I am today through your permission to work with you. Through your permission to allow me to come into your life and share my messages, and listen back on what you’re learning from it. So, thank you very much, and take a look at what happened next.    All right, so I had this really great idea that I was gonna bring on Naomi Hattaway to celebrate my 10th business birthday, and that is all exciting. But I am already feeling emotional, I seriously have tears in my eyes and I do not understand what’s going on. So this is exactly why Naomi is here.    Because what we’re going to do is give you a glimpse of how my life has been in transition, how my business has been transition. And I want you to see really how this is amazing and wonderful and I’m so grateful, and how it’s hard. And so, you’re getting a sneak peek at it like live as I get a sneak peek of it because we got on the call and all of a sudden, I was just like, I don’t know why I’m feeling about you.    So welcome, Naomi! I’ll let you do your thing and you just lead me through this.    Naomi: Yeah, well first of all, celebrating is so exciting. I’m so proud of you. As you celebrate 10 years in business, you have gone through around over under all the things. So, I first just want to celebrate with you about 10 years, it’s so incredible.    So, it’s interesting that you were talking about how you had this emotional response, and then you’re like, “Wait, what’s happening?” And we had already talked about this a little bit before, as we were prepping, but this card I pulled right before we got on. And it says, “Be real about where you’re at.” And I think that is so important in the process of leaving well, and inside of transitions. I know that when I’ve moved, I get the spreadsheets out and I get all ready because I can do this, I’ve done this. before. I know how to organize, I know how to structure. And then if I’m not real about where I’m at I don’t process the emotion. So I want to first commend you for also being willing to sit with the emotions.    Okay, so transition is hard and I think one of the things that when I work with folks on leaving well is that we don’t name the emotion. So I’d be curious if you’re willing to dive in to just think through and I’ve got this handy little chart that we can share with folks listening about emotions, and I’ll just hold it up. I don’t know. Is that backwards? I could barely. Okay, that’s good enough right now.  So, the concept is that a lot of times we go into the middle, Joy, fear, sad, but there’s so many emotions underneath. So, when you think about your transition that you’re going through personally and transitions with business, what two or three come up?   Sundae: Oh, that’s a great question. So there is a sense of satisfaction that feels to be very grounded in the center of it. There’s satisfaction in what I’ve been able to do in the last 10 years now and there’s satisfaction in the shift that I’m making right now. So it’s not joy it’s some other – but it’s like this grounded word. It feels solid.    There is another feeling that is there and then on the positive side is gratitude. I’m so grateful for the journey that I have behind me and the one I have ahead. And those are some of the neutral to positive emotions that are there. I think some of the negative emotions or the wobblier ones.    I am really struggling with letting go of a life that I lived for a decade and that is at the same time I’m satisfied with what I’ve done, and I’m actively choosing to do what I’m doing now, and I actively am happy to go toward it. And it still means there’s a grief around letting go. Like an old identity, an old purpose. And, it doesn’t mean that letting go sounds like releasing and never having any of the strings at your fingertips again. And I don’t think that’s quite that clear cut. I think it’s more of like, letting go of a portion of that. But what do they say? There’s an expression about, if you open up your hands then they are free to catch something new.   So I am not very good at not knowing. Someone who’s solution-oriented, someone who is a strategist. I like to have control over my environment, a very active agent. That’s everything that I teach. And I also know that some of the best things in my whole life that have happened are things I didn’t expect, and things that I didn’t plan. So surrender would be the other thing that’s happening right now. Not my favorite word.   Is that an emotion? I think it’s a state of being.    Naomi: I mean, yes. And some of the things that I was writing down as you were talking about was first, around satisfaction, I think it goes so hand in hand with being seen. And so that part of it goes back to the celebration and being able to celebrate with your community, with the folks that have been along this ride with you. They’ve seen your work, you’ve seen their work, and you’ve been all together in this, and I think there’s some tenderness – and some fragility that then comes then like, “Well, what if that goes away?”    Sundae: Yes. Yes. And you know this about me there’s like this thing I have about abandonment. If I change, if I shift because I care so much about my community and my people, I worry about abandoning the people that I care about. And I was even stressed when I changed the name of my podcast from Expat Happy Hour to IN TRANSIT. I was worried, right? That people would not come along with me on the journey and feel like I left them. And obviously, there’s probably some deeper stuff going on there.    Naomi: Maybe. *laughter.*   Sundae: *laughter* But then how do you shift and change? When you are connected with people that you care about and that you feel in alignment with and still shift and change? And I think this is a universal topic, not a lot of people can identify with, in so many transitions.    Naomi: It is and I think another piece of it too that you kind of touched on is that it’s different when you’re the one deciding. When you’re the one that is in control of, even if it feels like you’re not in control, but if you’re the one that says, “Yes, we’re doing this,” or, “Yes. I’m moving” Or, “Yes. I’m transitioning with work or projects.” It has a whole different ownership and responsibility and ability than when someone else made the decision for you. And so I think regardless of what kind of transition, it is being able to settle in with that responsibility is really powerful. I think that when you talk about letting go, also looking back, I’d be curious if this is something you can answer and maybe it’s just a reflection question but what do you know to be true about the culture and the container that you have put into place over the last 10 years that has nothing to do with whether your thread is still connected in the same way? How can I hear that question? Is it like my contribution?   Naomi: It could be your contribution. It’s about what can you look back on and know that’s still true even if you are not still in it in the same way.   Sundae: That question actually brings me joy because I think about the individual women that I’ve been able to work with and the impact that it has had on their lives, like a domino effect. I’ve had partners email me or WhatsApp me afterwards, and say, “I just want to say thank you for the work that you did with my partner,” right?    Naomi: That’s amazing.    Sundae: So that is pretty awesome. I’ve had that conversation with my boys actually, we always joke about the amount of views or s I get on YouTube compared to like, when the cat gets scared by a cucumber, right? And they’re like, “So Mom, you know, you’re happy when you get a couple thousand people listen to a podcast. Meanwhile, there’s a cat scared by a cucumber, that’s viral, and it’s got millions,” you know? And I said to my boys, I’m like, “No, I’m not making a viral impact in people’s lives.” But honestly, when I breathe my last breath, I know that there have been people because of our collaboration, because of them saying “yes” to themselves and then saying “yes” to our us collaboration that their life is significantly different and that is something that is so meaningful. So meaningful. And I think when I say that I feel my throat closing a little bit because I think it ties in a little bit to the shift that I’m in right now, where the work that I’m doing more is not that like deep intimate transformative personal I’ll shift, it’s in other ways. So I think there’s a little bit of a grief there of not getting to be able to be doing that deep deep work. It’s not that the work I’m doing isn’t equally important, it’s just in different ways. So that’s one thing.    So I feel really, really joyful about that there are women who are making their own money because of the work that we did together. I love that people have now become coaches because of the work that we’ve done together. I love that people are creating better boundaries in their life or that people are just being better humans to their partners. So I guess I can celebrate that. I think that’s pretty awesome.    Naomi: Well and thinking about the cat and the cucumber and the viralness of it, viral is a spike, it’s a one time thing. Your impact has been a ripple effect. And we know like if you skip a rock and water, it ripples out and that change, you may know from partners calling you afterwards and saying, “Thank you so much for that work that you did with my person,” you may know some of that, but there’s also this beautiful legacy that you’ll never know of what happened in that person’s life because of that moment that they had with you and your work and how did that then ripple out for all of their 100 years of legacy.    Sundae: I have a story that I hold onto really closely. I had someone that worked with for a Year of Transformation and just checked in to say, “Hey, how you doing? It’s been a while.” And she said, “Actually, I’ve been battling cancer.” And she said, I’m so grateful that I did Year of Transformation with you before, because of the tools that I built, I’m able to go through this differently.    Naomi: Yeah.    Sundae: Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? That meant everything to me so that ripple of not being there, but being there in their hardest times not super meaningful.    Naomi: So, I have a question for you about trust because some of the examples you shared, they were impactful because someone trusted you and the work that you had built and your 10 years of your impact and all those things. So they said, “yes” to you. How are you feeling about trusting your “yes?” Your own “yes” to you.    Sundae: If I’m really transparent my own development journey has been a shift from seeking outside validation to trust. If I get the best grade in the class, I trust I know enough. If I win the award, I trust this is good, right? So I’m very conscious of the fact that I was in a default pattern of doing that not consciously, right? And then along the way, I became aware of that. So, conscious and now I am still very much in that, I would even call it a battle of trusting, “This is good enough.” And I actually think I like I started building that over the years with my business because I would put something out in the world like a blog or a podcast and you don’t know how it lands and maybe you don’t even get very many s or likes or whatever and so you have to just own it in your body. “Is that good enough quality?” Not whether people like it or not, “Was it good enough?”    And so I had to teach myself that I need to decide what is “good enough” for me, right? And not always seek that outside validation. And that’s an ongoing journey for sure.    Naomi: Yeah. The, “What’s good enough?” And I also think there’s a component for all of us around, “What’s enough?” And the reason I ask you that question about trusting your own “yes” for yourself, is that I feel like especially when we build things that mean a lot for us that then also have a ripple effect. I feel like knowing you and knowing the work that you’ve done it was so beneficial for you and your close circle of work and impact. And then you realized, “Oh my gosh This is actually exponentially huge for so many other people.”    It can shift the way that we look at it to then what’s next “yes.”    And so you being in this transition personally with your family and about who’s earning how much money? Who’s taking a rest? Who’s going to lean into different work patterns and habits and realities? That, in addition to your business and saying “yes” to what’s next. And especially when you talk about being a planner and structured and all of the things.   Sundae: So let me just share a little bit behind the scenes on the “yes” to “what’s next?” Because not everybody knows about this. Some of it is also quite new. And about being able to plan. Really interesting is on my ninth business anniversary, I was in South Africa, my life looked completely different. I was in South Africa, I was having a glass of wine and I was talking to my husband about how proud I was of what I was able to build in the nine years of my company. I did the thing I never knew I could, and then I was able to do it. In of my community groups, revenue, that sort of thing.    And I talked about what I was so grateful for and things that I was forced to learn that I never would have learned, about podcasting and social media and all those things. And then I also reflected on what it was missing. And I think it was also driven by COVID. I had been working virtually for nine years. Of course, I had client things in person from time to time but on some levels, very isolated in West Africa, in South Africa, and I literally worked in my garage. So how much more Isolated can you get it? It was actually a really fancy thing, but sounds better when I complain about it like that.    And I talked about how I missed being in a team. I missed actually not having control over everything. I missed not having to set the topic tone all the time. I wanted someone else to throw content at me, I wasn’t ready for. Or help me understand topics that I hadn’t thought about exploring myself. And so I was talking about the things I missed. And my husband pulls his phone out of his pocket and he goes, “Hey, I saw this today and I thought of you.” And I read the description and it was for a global role in a company in Switzerland. And I read it and I just laughed out loud because it was exactly the thing that I said I missed and what I was wanting to build, actually, for my clients, as I move forward.    And it was the weirdest thing because a year before that, my eighth anniversary, I was like, “I will never ever work again in an organization.” I was like, “Nope, never gonna do that.” And so one thing led to the next. The way I looked at it, from an entrepreneurial perspective is I got a client contract and does it matter whether it goes on my business tax or my personal tax. I said “yes” to a project, let’s say to a role where I was able to do exactly – actually it turned out to be more than what I wanted. And it was that environment that I wanted to be in and I felt so grateful. So I said “yes” to that.    But what I didn’t know was coming was I didn’t know that there would be more offered to me where I would be doing more with organizational transformation. Where I would be asked to step up as a leader. Where I would take on interim roles. Having to live the leadership principles that I’ve been working with people for years, right? And what I didn’t know is that my partner at the same time would be in a process of reflection transformation and which would also shift how we show up and what we do. So these are things I didn’t see coming and I just feel so grateful because before my heart even had a chance to ask for it, it delivered.    Naomi: Yeah. So that is so beautiful. And it also shows the really beautiful, almost the flip, Sundae, of all of the people you’ve worked for their transformation. That same community was working on your transformation without you even knowing it.    Sundae: Mmm. That is so interesting. Like, they were getting me ready for what was next? Wow, I’ve never thought of it like that before.    Yeah, and that also says why I’m just so grateful. And why gratitude is there and why you can see there’s that connection to my community because this is the thing. I’ve always tried to explain to my husband. I’ve said, “What I do is not a job. It’s not like I clock in at 8:00 and leave it at 17:00. It’s an expression of who I am. It’s not me showing up and doing my life’s work.”    And you can challenge that and say that your work is too much part of your identity and there are legitimate challenges. And I also think, if I get the choice to show up in the world, in a way that is an expression of who I am and it does offer the best I’ve got or actually it makes me work through the things that aren’t the best that I’ve got, then how amazing is that?    Naomi: Yeah. It’s really amazing. The other thing I wanted to kind of uphold for you as well, and folks that have been in your orbit for a while already know this. People that might be orbiting across this, don’t know this about you, you’ve done such a beautiful job. So I just want to honor this. You’ve done such a beautiful job of putting what you’ve had to offer and on offer in a bite-sized way, in ways that will live on forever. So that impact, this last ten years of your legacy is still there. It’s not going away. And so I think part of that like closed fistness, you’ve already worked through, it just has to process all the way through your body, of saying, “Okay, I’ve opened my hand. I’ve said, yes, to these things, I’m trusting what’s next for me is best for me and this other piece still sits next to me, where folks can access folks, can still have access to that transformational work that you’ve put together and delivered.” And that’s a big thing.    I don’t know if you and I have talked about this before. I have a worthy work notebook and I actually keep it right here. It literally is just a notebook. But in it goes all the little nuggets and morsels of things that I’ve done in my life that I deem worthy. And what’s fascinating about that, it’s never the big things. It’s the stages that I speak on or the things that people would view as a job or as big, don’t end up in this. The things that end up in this is I ed to *insert any number of things.* But maybe an introduction of I introduce this person to this person. Or I learned a lesson when someone called me out and gave me some . So I just think about that for you a lot around – I mean, 10 years would be hard to fit into a worthy work notebook, but that may help as you continue writing the wave of this current transition and celebrating 10 years of noting and holding on to it for maybe five seconds longer as they flip through your mind, the really beautiful, worthy work that you’ve done.    Sundae: It makes me think about what you were just talking about creating something and this idea of legacy. I spent this summer when I moved back to Switzerland. Imagine we just gave up nine years of living on the continent of Africa. I had transitioned my kids into a new language environment school, my partner was still abroad. And it was summer, gorgeous out and I locked myself up in this apartment, which of course has no air conditioning, and sweat and sweat and sweat. And I recorded behind lights, I recorded an upgraded version of my Adapt and Succeed program because I wanted something, because it was time. And been like five years and the branding had changed, and some of the things had to change.    But I wanted to create something that could be independent of me and I wanted to give my Global Coaches the best possible quality product to move on. So for me, it was probably even a bad business decision or health, or family decision. But I knew in of enlightenment my Integrity, I was like, “I need to create this and put these tools in a way that people can digest.” And I’ve gotten at least another five years on this, right? And that’s how I sweated my way through July, half of July and August. And we were renovating, we’re moving into a house. I was starting this role. It was crazy but I knew it was the right thing to do. So that is one thing I think in of, it speaks a lot.   And then this is maybe a good time to talk about the way I see things shifting in the next, I’m not going to say 10 years, it would be tidy to say 10 years. But let’s say in the next few years. What I want to do with my company, I want to step back physically and put myself forward in, let’s say, these tidier products. And then let my coaches do the work that they’re made to do and I’m going to say why.    My work has been a labor of love and deeply connected to my life experience for the last 10 years. Understanding being in a bi-national marriage, having a bi-national family, trying to find acceptance in Switzerland. Leaving everything I built to go to West Africa, going through dramatic changes through political stuff, doing it again in South Africa. All of that was driven from a very personal experience and I poured that into what I was doing. And then at one point, I realized that is what I had in me for that. I’ve now brought into the world. And there’s something else brewing.    That’s a little bit where Wisdom Fusion was coming in. There’s something new that’s coming and it’s building, but I need to also disengage a little, to be able to build this next thing. And my coaches are perfect to step into that space because they’re on fire for this. There in that deep creating space like I was three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, years ago. They’re pouring their lives into third-culture kids, to bi-lingual relationships, etc, etc. And all kinds of transitions around midlife, and menopause, and divorce. And they’ve got that fire in their belly for it. And they are actually the better ones to be there. And so, I feel like the role that I came to serve has been filled and now it’s someone else’s job to feel that. And they’re better because they’re meeting people where they’re at. I’m doing other things and I’m giving what I’ve got now for other projects, and that’s building. So I think that is a little bit of that acceptance. That sort of cycle has come to completion and an accepting that and then honoring that. And yeah.    Naomi: So you asked about finding different language for all that for all of that and so I want to just read what I wrote down and you don’t have to react now. But:   The leader beside came up a lot while you were talking because I don’t think that it’s as much that you’re going to the background, as much as you’re just stepping next. And not even stepping beside but I think leader beside is a really powerful thought. I also think that you’ve done such an incredible job and you’re excited about elevating the impact of others. And I think that’s also beautiful because personally, it doesn’t minimize your work by elevating the work of your coaching constellation.    I also think that you’re a catalyzer. And so that came to mind also that you’ve catalyzed this work.    And even metabolic comes in a little bit around you have to have a foundation for the explosion to happen. You have to have the right things together, and you’ve done that, you’ve alkalized that in the last 10 years, and now it’s time to have the exponential impact that’s going to happen because you’ve brought in those other leaders.    The other thing that came to mind for you, Sundae, is that, and I’m getting goosebumps because this is myself as well and I see it so strongly in you, you’re a fire starter. And we’re not meant to do all of the things. We’re not meant to fire start and tend the coals. And so what you’re doing is handing over the tools to your team, the constellation coaches to tend the coals. And neither is more important of a job. I think that’s the other thing that may have some of the angst for you is that your job has been so important in the last 10 years of building this, and it’s equally as important that they keep it going and that they bring all of what they have that you don’t have to it.    So there’s something in the alchemy and the metabolizing and all of that that might be some interesting words to think about, as you process and talk about the shift.    Sundae: I love that. There’s so much permission there. And what I realized I wrote down while you were talking, I wrote down the word “consistency.” So tending the coals is “consistency.” And I think that’s where I came in conflict because it’s one of my principles. I teach about consistency is show up, show up, show up.    So if consistency is a high-value and delivers results then there is a tension of knowing when to stop tending the coals and let someone else take over the coals so you can start another fire.    Naomi: Yes.    Sundae: And now I’m going to go back to the word that I said out loud, which I’ve never said before, and that was “cycle.”    I think, I finally and I’m talking about, like right now in this conversation. I was seeing it like, start-stop-shift. And now, I’m seeing it more like an “operating cycle.” I built the foundation and I helped develop people’s capacity and then now it’s time to sort of unleash this into another realm.    Naomi: Yeah. What was really interesting about what you just did is your hands and I don’t know if I’ll be able to audibly share this but your hands went in a almost like a spring motion of a cycle instead of a circle cycle. Which I think a lot of us would think of a cycle coming back to then maybe the cycle starting again. And your hands automate. Your body was like it’s a perpetual cycle that goes out from you. And so that’s powerful.   Sundae: And that’s something that I teach. It’s about how we talked about the Stress-Growth-Adaptation Dynamic, that when you feel stress, that’s a good sign because you’re growing. Then you adapt. And then you grow again. And so I think that’s also part of that. That’s something you and I have talked about. I am really often uncomfortable right now. The level of responsibility that I have and the newness of the roles. I mean, I’m really uncomfortable. And I went from mentor coaching, not just coaching but then mentor coaching, and doing the thing I’ve been doing for years and years to a completely new context, right? And we know conscious incompetence and then conscious competence still takes effort.   And so that’s something I want to also share with people when they’re doing something new and they’re in transition, and it feels hard, it doesn’t mean it’s bad. It means that you’re growing and you’re learning. And my thing right now, my mantra right now is like, “All of this is going to feel different in one year.” *laughter*   Naomi: *laughter* Yes. Yes.   Sundae: This is all going to be different in one year.   Naomi: Yes, the thing that comes up for me, especially when you think about that your past work with expats and folks on the move and knowing, both of our experiences. It’s almost like, we have to pull back in the things that we know to be true as simple as how have we helped our children adapt in a new school? What do we tell them to do if they get lost? What do we tell them to do if they feel uncomfortable or alone? It’s the same exact things. And what works for today is not probably what’s going to work tomorrow. So being able to have that flow and that flex of what do I need for right now? And then also comes back to be real where you’re at.    I also I’m trying to find on my phone really quickly, this quote, that I think, is so powerful, and so beautiful.    “Let everything happen to you. Beauty and terror, just keep going. No feeling is final.” And it’s by Rainer Maria Rilke.    And I think that “no feeling is final” is so powerful, especially when we’re able to slow down long enough to sit with ourselves, and be like, “What am I feeling?” Because I think so often for me, I’ve programmed myself to what I feel as a comfortable feeling and so then I just say, “Well, I’m just feeling uncomfortable right now.” It’s not actually for me, uncomfortable, maybe it’s that I’m feeling self-conscious, or maybe that I’m feeling disgusted about not having made a decision fast enough or the right decision.    So I think ing that no feeling is final ing that we still decide. We still get to decide, how are we showing up in this moment. How are you showing up for others? How are we showing up to celebrate? How are we showing up to memorialize what’s been in the past?    The last thing I want to say, Sundae, is you said this and it’s so so powerful. You said, “You’ve been creating something that exists independently of yourself.” If I’ve never heard a better definition of legacy.    It’s not that it’s just that someone that of you, it’s literally going to perpetuate and continue to exist outside of you and that’s I mean talk about Legacy by Design inside of transition.    Sundae: Yeah, that’s true. That’s true. It’s pretty awesome. And I’m also grateful for having this image of a steel ball and then magnets come to it. I feel like I’m bringing those 10 years with me and I’m the steel ball, feeling a little bit naked, a little bit bare and I’m having these magnets come to me like new learning. I have so many examples of great leadership that I get to be around every day. I have so many examples of courageous conversations I get to be witness to. I have to have courageous conversations every day. The magnets that are coming to the steel ball right now that are going to stick with me, I feel so grateful for that.    And I think, for me, if I pull it back to what we talked about with making the impact on people, I have to trust that those will sort of expand the way in which I can make an impact in people’s lives. In ways that I couldn’t predict, what would happen to my life one year ago. I don’t know what will happen in 10 years, right? And I’m just trusting, I’m learning exactly what I need to learn right now. I don’t know why but this is what I’m doing. I’m growing in exactly the ways I need to grow right now.    And this is the trust that I ask my clients to have in their own process. And I have to live it and I’m like, “Dang it.” *laughter*   “Fine, I’ll walk the talk.” It’s so frustrating but it’s also like, “Yeah. Actually, this is what it’s about.”    Naomi: Yeah. Well and that comes back to the modeling and doing not only what you said you would do but doing what you’ve asked others to do.    The image also comes when you were talking about the steel ball of do you know the bean sculpture in Chicago? It’s a mirrored huge thing that looks kind of like a lima bean. And when it was installed in this beautiful park, everyone is like, “What is that? That doesn’t make any sense. I don’t understand that, that doesn’t have any resonance to me.” There was all of this drama about, “What is the bean?”    What’s beautiful is that it sits there 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year and people come to it and they can see their reflection in it because it’s mirrored. And so there’s all these beautiful – you can walk underneath it, you can walk around it, people take photos of it.    And my point in saying all of this is that you’ve laid this bean. Oh, how appropriate?    Sundae: *laughter*   Naomi: That was funny. You’ve laid this bean as a foundation to say come experience what you need from the past 10 years of my work. Come, it will look different for everybody. It might not resonate right away but it’s still going to be there when you need to come back to it. And it allows people to have a different experience with it.    And I think that’s what I am so I just am so impressed by you and the work that you’ve done because it has been so diverse in what it can do for people. So, I’m just celebrating with you. You are incredible and such a big decision to be able to say “yes” to yourself and to your family and to your own transformation over the next however many years.    Sundae: Who knows?    Naomi: Who knows?    Sundae: Well, I want to say “thank you” for being part of my journey. I don’t know when we actually met. We met in 2018, I know, but we met before maybe 2016-17.    Naomi: Probably, yeah.    Sundae:  You’ve been there through a lot of those transitions and you’ve also been an important touch point for me because who do transition specialists go to when they need in transition, right? It’s like a therapist who needs therapists.    Naomi:  Right? And it comes from all of this. All of our relationships, not all of our relationship, but it comes from that foundation of having lived through something. And so for you to be now, up-leveling. I don’t know if that’s the right word, but to level into this next thing, you now are going to have even more of your own experience to be able to bring back to your community and your life.    Sundae: And I think where I have to trust that is it’s exactly what happened in 2012 when I was in my dream job. I was ahead of intercultural management and I had a job I never thought I would be lucky enough to have amazing people around me doing exactly what I wanted. And I left it because I felt like if I stayed – it was for other reasons to go abroad as well, but for the whole family, but also for me professionally because I knew if I stayed, I would just be tending the coals in my life and not starting a fire for me professionally. And I’m so grateful I did it. And no one thought it made sense because I was giving up something really secure. Something that I had built and worked hard for. And I’m so grateful I did that. And it feels a little bit like another pivot point where I’m doing that.    Sundae: All right. Well, thank you so much Naomi for ing me in this reverse interview for my 10th anniversary. I couldn’t think of a better way to celebrate.    Naomi: Thank you for asking me.   So there you have it. That was such a powerful conversation for me. I hope that you’re taking away something from it as well. For me, I’m walking into that feeling of surrender, that feeling of satisfaction and the joy about what’s next. I can’t wait for you to be part of that journey. I’m so excited to connect you with my coaches and with my program so that you can get the same sort of results that have been possible through the collaboration over the last 10 years. I’m pouring all of my wisdom from my clients, from my experience, from my professional competencies into everything that I do and I want you to be able to share that together with me.    All right, so what is next? What does that mean for working with me? What does that mean for working with the Coalition? Was that mean for the podcast? The answer is, stay tuned, because those answers are now in development. We are in transformation, what I can say is that I am available by request. My time is much more limited right now. So I’m selective about who I work with live. I’ve had the gorgeous pleasure of co-deg a workshop for a women’s network where we featured the learning outcomes from my Wisdom Fusion program. I have the huge honor of working with an executive team and helping them through their largest challenges and more. What I do have it. In mind are, get this, I would love to do a retreat sometime in the coming year, so stay tuned on my newsletter for more.    If you want to work with me in a very hands-on, connected way, in person, let’s say, I don’t know, somewhere gorgeous in the South of , let me know because we’ll be planning a retreat in the near future. I can’t wait to be part of this next phase with you, with my company, with the Global Coach Coalition, with the content that I’ve created over the years.  I will leave you during this beautiful 10 year celebration with something I find very poignant from William Stafford. He says: “I embrace emerging experience. I participate in discovery. I am a butterfly. I am not a butterfly collector. I want the experience of the butterfly.”   Enjoy The Show? Don’t miss an episode, subscribe via iTunes or RSS. Please leave us a review in iTunes (or here for Android). The post 306: 10th Anniversary Special! appeared first on Sundae Schneider-Bean, LLC..

Thirsty for some empowerment? We are bringing back some all time highlights so you can stay quenched for quarter 2 of 2023. You’ll get a combination of the most classic and impactful podcast episodes, blogs, and articles in our archives for the next few months.   3 months of timeless insight for life IN TRANSIT!   1 Highlight topic for this quarter on the following: Raising Kids IN TRANSIT Grief and Resilience Marriage and Partnerships   The Timeless Series is also a tribute to when the IN TRANSIT podcast was formerly known as Expat Happy Hour.   Drum roll…..Here is Timeless Series Marriage and Partnership Highlight 3: You’re Changing But Your Partner Isn’t   This episode focuses on the big question, “What can we do about spouses that just aren’t stepping up?” Maybe not even stepping up to take care of their health. Or being present with the kids. Find out the three steps you can take to make an impact without being a nag or starting a fight. And these strategies don’t just apply to spouses, but will work for anyone you are in relationship with.   Listen to the Full Episode: Featured: Interested in Adapt and Succeed but want a taste of the program first? Check out the Amuse-Bouche Freebie here. Sundae’s Website Sundae’s Facebook Business Page – Sundae Schneider-Bean LLC Sundae Bean – YouTube Adapt and Succeed IN TRANSIT Hub Global Coach Coalition Quiz: Which Phase of Transformation Are You In? 2023 Ambition Com Challenge Catch These Podcasts / Articles: Here is a Blog that really resonated with people of the subject. If you haven’t read it, check it out here: The Love Letter Every International Couple Needs To Read. The spirit of this letter is meant to capture the challenges many individuals go through when they leave their home culture, move abroad and settle in the home country of their partner. Its intention is to start a dialogue about these experiences.   We’re delighted to be in the Top 5 of the global Best 30 Expat Podcasts! Subscribe: iTunes | Android Enjoy The Show? Don’t miss an episode, subscribe via iTunes or RSS. Please leave us a review in iTunes (or here for Android). The post Timeless Series: You’re Changing But Your Partner Isn’t appeared first on Sundae Schneider-Bean, LLC..

Thirsty for some empowerment? We are bringing back some all time highlights so you can stay quenched for quarter 2 of 2023. You’ll get a combination of the most classic and impactful podcast episodes, blogs, and articles in our archives for the next few months.   3 months of timeless insight for life IN TRANSIT!   1 Highlight topic for this quarter on the following: Raising Kids IN TRANSIT Grief and Resilience Marriage and Partnerships   The Timeless Series is also a tribute to when the IN TRANSIT podcast was formerly known as Expat Happy Hour.   Drum roll…..Here is Timeless Series Marriage and Partnership Highlight 2: Midlife Marriage Meltdown   Is it your marriage, expat life, a midlife crisis, or all of the above? I welcome psychologist and founder of the Expat Nest, Vivian Chiona, to help us find out. A specialist on the distinct challenges faced by the globally mobile community, Vivian gives us the hard questions to ask before divorce. She also offers reparative and preventative measures for enduring relationship success.   Listen to the Full Episode: Featured: Interested in Adapt and Succeed but want a taste of the program first? Check out the Amuse-Bouche Freebie here. Sundae’s Website Sundae’s Facebook Business Page – Sundae Schneider-Bean LLC Sundae Bean – YouTube Adapt and Succeed IN TRANSIT Hub Global Coach Coalition Quiz: Which Phase of Transformation Are You In? 2023 Ambition Com Challenge Catch These Podcasts / Articles: Here is a Blog that really resonated with people on the subject. If you haven’t read it, check it out here: 3 Warning Signs For The Expat Couple. Relationships are challenging enough, and as an expat couple there are additional demands you have to manage. Watch out for these three warning signs if you are in a relationship where the expat on assignment has a heavy load of responsibility.   We’re delighted to be in the Top 5 of the global Best 30 Expat Podcasts! Subscribe: iTunes | Android Enjoy The Show? Don’t miss an episode, subscribe via iTunes or RSS. Please leave us a review in iTunes (or here for Android). The post Timeless Series: Midlife Marriage Meltdown appeared first on Sundae Schneider-Bean, LLC..

Thirsty for some empowerment? We are bringing back some all time highlights so you can stay quenched for quarter 2 of 2023. You’ll get a combination of the most classic and impactful podcast episodes, blogs, and articles in our archives for the next few months.   3 months of timeless insight for life IN TRANSIT!   1 Highlight topic for this quarter on the following: Raising Kids IN TRANSIT Grief and Resilience Marriage and Partnerships   The Timeless Series is also a tribute to when the IN TRANSIT podcast was formerly known as Expat Happy Hour.   Drum roll…..Here is Timeless Series Marriage and Partnership Highlight 1: Feeling Distant From Your Partner   Look at your life and how you spend your time. Now look at your partner’s. Ever thought, “It’s like we live in different countries!” I get it. And I know that deep down you may worry that these differences could rip you apart. I have got your back – and it is in a totally unexpected way. Check out this game I created for you that will help you not only have a little fun but also bridge the divide so you can create more connection and understanding.   Listen to the Full Episode: Featured: Interested in Adapt and Succeed but want a taste of the program first? Check out the Amuse-Bouche Freebie here. Sundae’s Website Sundae’s Facebook Business Page – Sundae Schneider-Bean LLC Sundae Bean – YouTube Adapt and Succeed IN TRANSIT Hub Global Coach Coalition Quiz: Which Phase of Transformation Are You In? 2023 Ambition Com Challenge Catch These Podcasts / Articles: Here is a Blog that really resonated with people on the subject. If you haven’t read it, check it out here: When You Feel A “Big Talk” Coming On, Do This First. One of those “big talks” with your partner – or someone important to you – may very well be on the horizon. That is why I share a process with you that´ll leave you feeling a little more grounded, better understood, and much more in control of your life. This is your go-to-guide the next time you feel a “big talk” coming on.   We’re delighted to be in the Top 5 of the global Best 30 Expat Podcasts! Subscribe: iTunes | Android Enjoy The Show? Don’t miss an episode, subscribe via iTunes or RSS. Please leave us a review in iTunes (or here for Android). The post Timeless Series: Marriage and Partnership appeared first on Sundae Schneider-Bean, LLC..

Thirsty for some empowerment? We are bringing back some all time highlights so you can stay quenched for quarter 2 of 2023. You’ll get a combination of the most classic and impactful podcast episodes, blogs, and articles in our archives for the next few months.   3 months of timeless insight for life IN TRANSIT!   1 Highlight topic for this quarter on the following: Raising Kids IN TRANSIT Grief and Resilience Marriage and Partnerships   The Timeless Series is also a tribute to when the IN TRANSIT podcast was formerly known as Expat Happy Hour.   Drum roll…..Here is Timeless Series Resilience and Burnout Highlight 3: Simplified Self-Care   This episode is for the carers out there – the tired teachers, parents, health and wellness professionals, entrepreneurs… I see you, and I’ve come with fierce reinforcements. Dr. Tiessen discusses the harm caused from self-neglect, and shares her expert tips for easy, creative, and playful ways to add self-care into our daily routine.   Listen to the Full Episode: Featured: Interested in Adapt and Succeed but want a taste of the program first? Check out the Amuse-Bouche Freebie here. Sundae’s Website Sundae’s Facebook Business Page – Sundae Schneider-Bean LLC Sundae Bean – YouTube Adapt and Succeed IN TRANSIT Hub Global Coach Coalition Quiz: Which Phase of Transformation Are You In? 2023 Ambition Com Challenge Catch These Podcasts / Articles: Expat Resilience: Avoiding The Breaking Point. It has been established in the research that those with resilience are able to perform better and be happier than those with lower resilience. Sounds promising but what do we really mean when we talk about resilience?   We’re delighted to be in the Top 5 of the global Best 30 Expat Podcasts! Subscribe: iTunes | Android Enjoy The Show? Don’t miss an episode, subscribe via iTunes or RSS. Please leave us a review in iTunes (or here for Android). The post Timeless Series: Simplified Self-Care appeared first on Sundae Schneider-Bean, LLC..

Thirsty for some empowerment? We are bringing back some all time highlights so you can stay quenched for quarter 2 of 2023. You’ll get a combination of the most classic and impactful podcast episodes, blogs, and articles in our archives for the next few months.   3 months of timeless insight for life IN TRANSIT!   1 Highlight topic for this quarter on the following: Raising Kids IN TRANSIT Grief and Resilience Marriage and Partnerships   The Timeless Series is also a tribute to when the IN TRANSIT podcast was formerly known as Expat Happy Hour.   Drum roll…..Here is Timeless Series Resilience and Burnout Highlight 2: Standing on The Sidelines of Your Life?   Somewhere along the way, we stop and realise that we are no longer on track but are just hustling to get by. To tick off lists. No longer doing anything for ourselves, nothing for joy.   It is time to stop the other’s priorities merry-go-round and start living your life with more purpose. Use these ten signs to step back into who you are and everyone will benefit as you reclaim a full, fun and satisfying life.   Listen to the Full Episode: Featured: Interested in Adapt and Succeed but want a taste of the program first? Check out the Amuse-Bouche Freebie here. Sundae’s Website Sundae’s Facebook Business Page – Sundae Schneider-Bean LLC Sundae Bean – YouTube Adapt and Succeed IN TRANSIT Hub Global Coach Coalition Quiz: Which Phase of Transformation Are You In? 2023 Ambition Com Challenge Catch These Podcasts / Articles: Here is a Blog that resonated with people on the subject. If you haven’t read it, check it out here:: One Way To Trick Fear. It isn´t always rational (unless you are left in a room alone with a rabid tiger). But fear´s positive intention is to protect us. The disturbing thing is our body´s response to it can actually be the same, whether the thing that scares us is real or imagined. You know the game: fight or flight, and in this case my good buddy – freeze.   We’re delighted to be in the Top 5 of the global Best 30 Expat Podcasts! Subscribe: iTunes | Android Enjoy The Show? Don’t miss an episode, subscribe via iTunes or RSS. Please leave us a review in iTunes (or here for Android). The post Timeless Series: Standing on The Sidelines of Your Life? appeared first on Sundae Schneider-Bean, LLC..

Thirsty for some empowerment? We are bringing back some all time highlights so you can stay quenched for quarter 2 of 2023. You’ll get a combination of the most classic and impactful podcast episodes, blogs, and articles in our archives for the next few months.   3 months of timeless insight for life IN TRANSIT!   1 Highlight topic for this quarter on the following: Raising Kids IN TRANSIT Grief and Resilience Marriage and Partnerships   The Timeless Series is also a tribute to when the IN TRANSIT podcast was formerly known as Expat Happy Hour.   Drum roll…..Here is Timeless Series Resilience and Burnout Highlight 1: Why You Should Talk About Grief.   Grief is tough enough. Add being part of an intercultural family or navigating a globally-mobile life and it gets even more complicated. When loss strikes, no one wants to also manage unexpected guilt or feel unprepared when confronted with cultural expectations that are completely different from your own. This podcast which explores four phases that can help uncomplicate the impact of loss when it strikes so that you can focus on what is most important. Listen to the Full Episode: Featured: Interested in Adapt and Succeed but want a taste of the program first? Check out the Amuse-Bouche Freebie here. Sundae’s Website Sundae’s Facebook Business Page – Sundae Schneider-Bean LLC Sundae Bean – YouTube Adapt and Succeed IN TRANSIT Hub Global Coach Coalition Quiz: Which Phase of Transformation Are You In? 2023 Ambition Com Challenge Catch These Podcasts / Articles: Here is a Blog that resonated with people on the subject. If you haven’t read it, check it out here: Wallow In Your Misery During Change. In this blog, I introduce a 3-part process which is designed to help you splash about in the mud of discontent so you can bring about real change and end the sting of agony. I will begin by introducing three simple components of good wallowing: observe – serve – unwrap. Each is illustrated with examples from my own life so you can see what they look like in action.   We’re delighted to be in the Top 5 of the global Best 30 Expat Podcasts! Subscribe: iTunes | Android Enjoy The Show? Don’t miss an episode, subscribe via iTunes or RSS. Please leave us a review in iTunes (or here for Android). The post Timeless Series: Why You Should Talk About Grief. appeared first on Sundae Schneider-Bean, LLC..

Thirsty for some empowerment? We are bringing back some all time highlights so you can stay quenched for quarter 2 of 2023. You’ll get a combination of the most classic and impactful podcast episodes, blogs, and articles in our archives for the next few months.   3 months of timeless insight for life IN TRANSIT!   1 Highlight topic for this quarter on the following: Raising Kids IN TRANSIT Grief and Resilience Marriage and Partnerships   The Timeless Series is also a tribute to when the IN TRANSIT podcast was formerly known as Expat Happy Hour.   Drum roll…..Here is Timeless Series Raising Kids IN TRANSIT Highlight 3: Am I Spoiling My Kids?   Overindulgence isn’t just about the families who give too much ice cream. Overindulgence includes a broad spectrum, from allowing too much of anything, to over nurturing or simply having too soft of structures. According to the experts, overindulgence is a form of child neglect. What?! Yes, read on.   Thanks to the decades of research from today’s guest, Dr David Bredehoft, and his associates, Dr Connie Dawson and Jean illsley Clarke, parents who are committed to doing the right thing are not alone. Listen to today’s podcast to walk away with ten essential steps to gain more clarity on what counts as overindulgence and how to better allow your child to achieve their full potential.   Listen to the Full Episode: Featured: Interested in Adapt and Succeed but want a taste of the program first? Check out the Amuse-Bouche Freebie here. Sundae’s Website Sundae’s Facebook Business Page – Sundae Schneider-Bean LLC Sundae Bean – YouTube Adapt and Succeed IN TRANSIT Hub Global Coach Coalition Quiz: Which Phase of Transformation Are You In? 2023 Ambition Com Challenge Catch These Podcasts / Articles: Here is a Blog that resonated with people on the subject. If you haven’t read it, check it out here: Getting Comfortable With Change Pains: In this Blog, I want to help you make it through the transition you are currently facing so you have more energy, greater joy and less stress. Interested? Spontaneously answer the questions below. Don´t analyze or judge. Just respond with what first pops into mind.   We’re delighted to be in the Top 5 of the global Best 30 Expat Podcasts! Subscribe: iTunes | Android Enjoy The Show? Don’t miss an episode, subscribe via iTunes or RSS. Please leave us a review in iTunes (or here for Android). The post Timeless Series: Am I Spoiling My Kids? appeared first on Sundae Schneider-Bean, LLC..

Thirsty for some empowerment? We are bringing back some all time highlights so you can stay quenched for quarter 2 of 2023. You’ll get a combination of the most classic and impactful podcast episodes, blogs, and articles in our archives for the next few months.   3 months  of timeless insight for life IN TRANSIT!   1 Highlight topic for this quarter on the following: Raising Kids IN TRANSIT Grief and Resilience Marriage and Partnerships   The Timeless Series is also a tribute to when the IN TRANSIT podcast was formerly known as Expat Happy Hour.   Drum roll…..Here is Timeless Series Highlight 2: Raising Kids IN TRANSIT.   By raising our kids cross-culturally, we are creating children who can move towards those who might seem different but with whom they can find meaningful commonalities. This is just one gift of a cross-cultural life.   If you are raising your children abroad, chances are you’ve heard the term Third Culture Kid. If you haven’t, you will want to pay extra close attention. If you have, this episode has something brand new for you.   Together with this podcast’s special guest Dr. Ruth van Reken, co-author of the book Third Culture Kids: Growing Up Among Worlds, we explore grief, guilt, and identity as well as the pride and absolute joys of raising our children abroad. If you think you’ve heard this all before, wait: we cover new territory.   Listen to the Full Episode: Featured: Interested in Adapt and Succeed but want a taste of the program first? Check out the Amuse-Bouche Freebie here. Sundae’s Website Sundae’s Facebook Business Page – Sundae Schneider-Bean LLC Sundae Bean – YouTube Adapt and Succeed IN TRANSIT Hub Global Coach Coalition Quiz: Which Phase of Transformation Are You In? 2023 Ambition Com Challenge Catch These Podcasts / Articles: Here is a Blog that really resonated with people of the subject. If you haven’t read it, check it out here –  The Struggle With The Question “Where Is Home?”: When you meet someone new and you’re an expat, the question often comes up, “So, where´s home?” The innocent person who asks this may not even know how this question triggers an internal dilemma. But if you´re an expat, or someone whose heart and story is increasingly being divided into pieces, “home” simply resides in more than one place. We’re delighted to be in the Top 5 of the global Best 30 Expat Podcasts! Subscribe: iTunes | Android Enjoy The Show? Don’t miss an episode, subscribe via iTunes or RSS. Please leave us a review in iTunes (or here for Android). The post Timeless Series Highlight 2: Raising Kids IN TRANSIT appeared first on Sundae Schneider-Bean, LLC..

Thirsty for some empowerment? We are bringing back some all time highlights so you can stay quenched for quarter 2 of 2023. You’ll get a combination of the most classic and impactful podcast episodes, blogs, and articles in our archives for the next few months.   3 months  of timeless insight for life IN TRANSIT!   1 Highlight topic for this quarter on the following: Raising Kids IN TRANSIT Grief and Resilience Marriage and Partnerships   Drum roll…..Here is Timeless Series Highlight 1: Raising Kids IN TRANSIT.   My favorite conversation with my boys! Listen to the Full Episode: Featured: XPath, one of our relocation partners just released an App where you can get access to Adapt and Succeed services right from your phone in whatever region you are moving to. Check it out here. Sundae’s Website Sundae’s Facebook Business Page – Sundae Schneider-Bean LLC Sundae Bean – YouTube Adapt and Succeed IN TRANSIT Hub Global Coach Coalition Quiz: Which Phase of Transformation Are You In? 2023 Ambition Com Challenge Catch These Podcasts / Articles: Here is a Blog that really resonated with people of the subject. If you haven’t read it, check it out here – 6 Things We Tell Our Kids But Don’t Do Ourselves: All too often we fail to show up in our own lives the way we expect our children to. Take a closer look at this list, check in on whether you are following your own advice, and try out one of my challenges. We’re delighted to be in the Top 5 of the global Best 30 Expat Podcasts! Subscribe: iTunes | Android Enjoy The Show? Don’t miss an episode, subscribe via iTunes or RSS. Please leave us a review in iTunes (or here for Android). The post Timeless Series Highlight 1: Raising Kids IN TRANSIT appeared first on Sundae Schneider-Bean, LLC..

When you move abroad as an accompanying spouse, you spend a lot of time and energy trying to fit in with people who don’t understand you. Giving up your career, not recognizing yourself anymore, overcompensating by baking cupcakes from scratch because grocery store ones just won’t do, dot dot dot. And you can try and explain what it’s like until you’re blue in the face, telling your story to the most empathetic person on the planet. But in the end, it takes one to know one, and if you’re an accompanying spouse, my guest this week will take the words right out of your mouth. It’s my pleasure to welcome back life coach, entrepreneur, author, and member of Global Coach Coalition, Claire Hauxwell. You might Claire from EP172 where we discussed Party Fouls.   Claire calls herself a Professional BadASS — the capital “ASS” stands for “Accompanying ive Spouse.” For the globally mobile, that’s a creative way to reference people who move abroad with a partner on assignment. Often giving up their own career, the so-called “trailing spouse” can feel unseen, undervalued, and suffers a quiet self-erosion. This happens while the rest of the world regards their life abroad as adventurous and carefree — which, even when true, doesn’t negate a desire for purpose. Claire first became an accompanying spouse in 2009. 14 years later, Claire has five international moves under her belt. Today, Claire returns to share updates on her journey, including a new book where she uses her experience to help other accompanying spouses think big. What You’ll Learn in this Episode: Busy but unsatisfied Misunderstanding ungratefulness Coaching session morning sickness Letting go of other people’s opinions Wearing jeans that never break-in Listen to the Full Episode: Featured on the Show: What will you and I talk about when you come on this podcast to share YOUR success story? In Global Coach Coalition, we THINK BIG, together. So if you’re done playing small, then our class right here.  Sundae’s Website Sundae’s Facebook Business Page – Sundae Schneider-Bean LLC Sundae Bean – YouTube Adapt and Succeed IN TRANSIT Hub Global Coach Coalition Quiz: Which Phase of Transformation Are You In? 2023 Ambition Com Challenge BadASS Abroad: How to Get Your Expat Shift Together Year of Transformation with Sundae FIGT Claire Hauxwell Catch These Podcasts / Articles: EP190: Scale of Wholeness EP301: The Crumble EP302: Infinite Possibilities EP303: Fight Mode EP304: Triumph In Transit   Who doesn’t love reruns? Well, here comes the Timeless Series. For the next three months, we’ll revive the most evergreen and impactful podcast episodes, blogs, and articles from our archives. And while you quench your thirst for empowering content in Q2, we’re working behind-the-scenes to return with a vengeance for Q3! Thank you for your continued during these shapeshifting times.   We’re delighted to be in the Top 5 of the global Best 30 Expat Podcasts! Subscribe: iTunes | Android Full Episode Transcript: Transcript Hello, it is 4 a.m. in New York, 10 a.m. in Johannesburg, and 4 p.m. in Bangkok. Welcome to IN TRANSIT with Sundae Bean. I’m an intercultural strategist, transformation facilitator, and solution-oriented coach. And I am on a mission to help you adapt and succeed through ANY life transition.  I’m going to pick a caption from a book that will be featured in today’s episode and see if you’ve ever felt this, “Is ‘Done’ an emotion because I feel that in my soul.” Now, if you’re feeling, “Done,” right now, then you want to check out the rest of this episode with Claire Hauxwell because she can help us go from that feeling of absolutely done to living a life where you have your shift together. Claire, welcome to IN TRANSIT.    Claire: Thanks, Sundae for having me. I’m excited to be here.    Sundae: Claire you’ve been at this before, where you helped us and some of the things you shouldn’t say to an expat partner, that was our Party Foul episode. And now I’m having you back on after a huge transformation in your own life. Let me tell people about you before we dive in Claire Hauxwell is what she calls a Professional BadASS and that means Capital ASS: Accompanying ive Spouse. For those of you who are not living a globally mobile life, that’s another way, a very creative way to talk about those people who are ing their partner as you move abroad. Or living a mobile life to your family in the job transitions. With nearly 14 years of experience, Claire has figured out living life abroad. She has five international moves under her belt. And she’s really learned how to embrace all things about living an unbounded and global lifestyle, and what it throws at you.    What’s great about her, is her life because of how mobile it’s been globally, helps her understand in a really deep way, living life in transition. Claire’s originally from Michigan and has been relocating both internationally and domestically for many many years. Claire is also a certified life coach. She works with those to gain confidence, shift their mindset, and create a fulfilling and intentional life at home and abroad. And she is the author of the book, BadASS Abroad: How to Get Your Expat Shift Together. It is relatable, it is funny, and it’s part memoir, part guidebook on a life-changing journey. And Claire has been so kind to share some of her journey with you today. So Claire, thank you for ing us. How long have we known each other?    Claire: We met in 2018 at FIGT , I think.   Sundae: Can you tell me a little bit about– give us a glimpse of where your life was at then.    Claire: When I went to FIGT that year, I turned 40 that year and well I had turned 40 the year before but it was in my 40th year and I was trying to like figure out what I do now. My kids are getting a bit older. Nobody really needs me here. I have all this time on my hands. I’m busy, but I’m not loving anything that I do. And I was writing but I didn’t do anything with my writing and I was spending all my time giving all my energy to other people. And when I went to this conference, which was kind of like a precipice, which is funny because I think I met you and I was like, “Whoa, she seems like super bubbly.” I don’t know how, I don’t know if we knew each other just from online.    Sundae: Yep, South African connection.    Claire: Yeah, expat life is a small world. But I had gotten to this point in my life where I was like, “What the hell is going on?” What are you doing with your life here? Because like everything’s going on around you and you’re just kind of existing.”    Sundae: Well, I can imagine a lot of people can relate to that right now, right?    Claire: Yeah. And I think this was obviously pre-COVID where a lot of things are like now, we’re still existing in a different world today. But back then, I was just like, “I have to be the perfect mom. I have to be the perfect wife. I’ve got to make sure everything looks perfect on the outside. And I have to help and have to…” Well, I didn’t need to do all those things and I was so busy. What but I wasn’t doing things that I loved anymore. I mean, I loved parenting and I loved being a wife but it wasn’t fulfilling me. I had nothing that was my own.    Sundae: Hmm. How did you know that? Like, you have that language for it now, but what were the signs then?    Claire: I didn’t know it then. That was really the thing.  I didn’t know it. And I think what happened was, I started trying to figure something out. Something. I use this term in my book a lot. I use the word, “Something” is missing. And I think I’ve talked to a lot of expat spouses in my time living abroad, which is a lot of expat spouses and everyone’s got a great life. My life is great. I never complained. I didn’t need to complain. I wasn’t, I didn’t have to complain, I wanted for nothing. But something was missing. And it was something for me. It wasn’t like I was giving everything I could to everybody else and that was great and I was doing a good job but I said I can always do more. And I kept doing this but I got to the point where I was getting really uncomfortable with the idea of whatever this something was and it really was like a rock in my shoe.    So it was like, I got really uncomfortable in my own skin. And not uncomfortable from a physical perspective, just I didn’t know who I was anymore.    Sundae: Hmm. The clients I’ve worked with, they say, “I’m happy but unsatisfied.”    Claire: Correct. That’s exactly what it was. I was unfulfilled, I didn’t know what the word “fulfilled” meant because I didn’t know what I liked anymore. I didn’t know. And I and I talked about this in my book a lot because I think, one of the things I say in the book is someone asked me, “What’s your favorite meal?” And, I don’t even know because I only worry about what everyone else wants to eat. That was where I was at in my world. Really uncomfortable and that’s when I had reached out to you. Where I was like, “I don’t know what is happening here.” And I would have been the first person to say, “I will never use a life coach. Who needs a life coach?” I just didn’t know. I wasn’t doing it. And I hesitated for a while but it was like, Something’s gotta give.    I’m doing all the things but I’m not doing one of the things, and that was taking care of me. Or taking care of my needs.   Sundae: So what name would you give the discomfort that you were feeling? Because, obviously, you have to be uncomfortable enough to say “Yes,” to something that probably seems equally uncomfortable.    Claire: Right. Yeah, totally. It’s like when you like, “Oh. I’m a skier.” Great. Let’s put a snowboard on instead. And now throw me down the mountain. It’s like taking on a new adventure. I would say it’s like when a pair of jeans is a bit too tight, you know? It’s because they’re not comfortable anymore. Usually, you can put a pair of jeans on the first day, they’re really stuck. And then they start breaking in and they feel good. It was like the jeans were tight every single day.   Sundae:  Yeah, yeah.    Claire: And then it was. “Okay. I have to go up a size, which isn’t a bad thing.   Sundae: Right? Right.    Claire: Because maybe these jeans have shrunk over time. And it’s still the same me. It’s not that I am different physically or who I am. I don’t fit in those jeans anymore the way that I used to. And so, then, it was okay if I have to get a different pair of jeans and now these fit differently and that’s also uncomfortable because you’re having to get comfortable with the idea of like. “I have to size up.” I have to, you know. That’s a really weird metaphor to use, but it would just be like, “I have to be comfortable with the change. I have to feel okay with changing.” And that’s where it was.    Sundae: And it’s like, “I have to be okay with taking more space in my life.” Or, I have to be okay with saying where I am in my life and where I want to be, there’s a gap there and that’s uncomfortable.    Claire: Hmm. I would assume that it’s like when a snake sheds its skin, right? It’s got to be so uncomfortable, the last, I don’t know how long it takes for them to do that, but that last bit of growth, you have to break out of that skin. It can’t feel good.    And it doesn’t feel good because that’s where I got to the point of like really unhappy.    Sundae: And you’re unhappy and your life is perfect, right? That’s the hard part of like, “Why am I unhappy and my life is perfect?” And that’s because there’s something fundamental and this is something I always try to advocate in the podcast and other forms of like, we are wired for purpose. It is okay to want to have a fulfilling life. There’s so much in our modern society, that pulls us away from connection, that pulls us away from meaning, right? It’s okay to want that.    Claire: Yeah, and I think that there’s a big thing about ungratefulness, people feel that like, “Well, you should be grateful.” I’m super grateful, doesn’t mean I can’t be unhappy about something. And I think people view ungratefulness in the wrong way. My gratefulness has nothing to do with how I feel inside.    Sundae: Exactly. Right. So interesting. So there’s this comfort and you basically gave up one discomfort to start another one. Do you mind sharing the story about morning sickness that we talked about?   Claire: Oh yeah. So okay, so if you haven’t figured it out yet, Sundae was my coach. I did the Year of Transformation with Sundae. And I think  I went into the first, I don’t know, two months of sessions, and I was just like, “This sucks.” I really don’t want to be doing this. She was like, “It’s fine. It’s like that in beginning.” And I’m like, “It’s not fine.” But like, “This is normal. It’s all part of the process.” And I just was like, “No. Ew. All I’m doing is getting it all out.” She’s like, “You need to get it all out.” And I was like, “Okay, I’m gonna keep going.” And it’s honestly that Sundae uses the morning sickness, you feel sick all the time and it’s true I did. I had this pit in my stomach for a long time. But then I got over this hump and I was like, there’s no more pit.    Sundae: Yeah. And the pit is like all the bullshit you tell yourself.   Claire: Totally.   Sundae: All the old patterns that are not serving you. I’m actually feel sick in my stomach right now when I’m saying it because it makes me think about, you have to surface it. Otherwise, you’re not going to get around it. Could you put a word to a few of the things that you expulsed?   Claire: So I had to let go of what other people thought of me because I had these ideas that like, everybody’s all else’s opinion mattered, which doesn’t. I had to give up the idea of like, nobody died today so I did a good job. And then I also had to give up that, it’s okay to say “no.” I really didn’t have boundaries anymore. So I would just say “Yes.” And I didn’t listen to my intuition at all anymore so I really had a hard time stopping and thinking before I would say “yes” to something because I was just used to like, “Oh sure, whatever it is that you need. I can take care of it because I’m Superwoman.” And what that does is it creates false expectations, all around. So everybody expects that you’re going to do that. There are some options about you is XY and Z.    And yes, you look great but on the inside it’s like, I don’t want to make cupcakes for somebody. I don’t want to pick that person’s kid up from school. These are all the things that I don’t want to do right but I’m doing them anyway. But why?, I don’t need to. So yeah, I got really comfortable with being okay with saying “no.”    Sundae: Yep. I’m wondering and I’m curious if this is something that you feel too, but when I think about my former self, there were versions of me where what you just said was also probably true for me, but I would have never itted it to myself, let alone, other people. Tell me where I’m wrong.    Claire: I wouldn’t have itted it to myself until I’d done the work.    Sundae: Yes, that’s what I’m saying. You would live in a lie; live with the idea as if that’s not a problem. As if you’re not doing that thing.   Claire: Well, that’s just because that’s just the way it is. And I think that that’s probably part of it is that, it doesn’t just have to be the way it is.  Can I provide cupcakes? Sure, but they’re coming from the grocery store. You didn’t have to make them. They just have to be cupcakes. I feel like we are putting expectations on ourselves that are above and beyond what anybody else is putting on themselves. So why is it okay for Susie down the street to provide nothing and I’ve got to make up for something? And that’s where I think a lot of accompanying spouses, we’re trying to compensate for something because a lot of us leave careers. A lot of us, maybe were caretakers of our parents. Or a lot of us leave a lot of purposeful things when we leave to go to another place. And that’s not just to say when you leave the first time, if you’re like me, where you’ve left me times you can get used to it. And then, oh, crap. Now I got to leave again. And all the things that became part of me and more purposeful to me, now, I got to go and recreate that. And so that overcompensates for all the things I don’t have that were filling the something. And that’s part of the transition. But if you know how to prepare for them. Yeah, you’re halfway there.   Sundae: So I really appreciate the transparency that you have about how it was. And I think a lot of people can understand that and they relate with that. So we’re going through the morning sickness, you’re confronting all of the crap that no one wants to confront. And then what?   Claire: I think then what it was, I was able to think big. What did I want my life to look like? And I think that’s what a lot of us are afraid of doing because we don’t really know what we want. Because we’re so focused. Yeah, we forget. We get so focused on others. And I would say that this could happen with somebody that is not in my situation or an accompanying spouse. This could be somebody that is working, has a full-time job, that also has kids, that doesn’t have kids. That it could be anybody. If you’re just doing things because that’s what you do, you still have to fulfill you.    Sundae: Right?    Claire: And you have to make the time   Sundae: It makes me think about you know, this podcast is coming right on the tail of the focus on the Four Phases of Transformation. And we talked about Infinite Possibilities, how anything is possible. And where people get stuck is where they forget how to want, is exactly what you were talking about. And that moment of, wait a minute, “What if I open up the door?” and I imagined, like you said, “Think big. What could be  possible?”   And that’s what you said. You have to think big. But my observation and with my clients and even what happened, I think with us as when you do open up that door of what’s possible, I believe in you, I see you. And just like with you and your clients, you see lots of possibilities but they’re not ready to see that yet. Can you think of an example of that in your own journey, where the doors started to open and it was hard for you to see into what else would be possible?    Claire: Yeah, I think there was a point where you and I would talk and you’d be like, “Well, what if you did this? Or what if you did that?” And I’d be like, “No, no no.” And then you talked about me becoming a coach and I was like, “Hell no. That is not where I’m going. I don’t want to do that, that’s not me.” And you were like, “Okay, we’re just going to put a pin in that over there, and we’re going to keep going.” And for me, I was the type of person and I know I can think back to the time when we were working together on this, I always talked about, “I like helping people. I like getting them through these Journeys. I like helping them figure out how to move forward.” And you were just like, “Mmm-hmm. Yeah. Mm-hmm.”   Sundae:  *laughter*   Claire: I can see your face like five years ago. So yeah, we don’t know what we don’t know    Sundae: And I there was a time where you really really resisted having your own thing, like your own business, right?    Claire: The word “monetize,” came up. And I was like, “Yo, why would I want to monetize anything?” Really? And that’s because I’d never like, the idea of “entrepreneur” at all. Which still scares the hell out of me today because it’s still new. That’s a journey that I am still going through. But at that time I just wasn’t ready for it because I couldn’t wrap my head around, just the first part of that.    Sundae: Yeah. And so this kind of goes back to the beginning and I’m going to let everybody read your journey in the book to find out more. But what I’m seeing is this pattern, we talked about again, back to the podcast, where we talked about the Four Phases of Transformation.    The Crumble was, my life, it’s good, but not good enough type of thing. I’m looking for fulfillment, that the crumble, what am I going to do?  Where you finally get uncomfortable enough, right to do something, then we go through Infinite Possibilities, where it’s like, “Let me think big. What could it be?” And then some resistance around, “No, I can’t make money doing this. I would never become that,” right? That’s that limiting belief.  And then you did the work. And that’s, I mean, your journey is captured in the book and that’s when we talk about Fight Mode. You did the work you showed up and now you’re getting the fruits of the labor. What advice do you have for people who? Are seeing themselves and where you were in 2018?   Claire: Just don’t let it slip away because the more time that you waste not taking advantage of this, of the knowing. You know in your gut, whether you want to believe it or not, you know in your gut what you’re feeling. And my advice would be, if there’s one thing that you can do is start listening to yourself more because that’ll give you the bravery to take the steps to find all the things your somethings. Give yourself the courage by just listening to yourself. Because I didn’t always listen to myself and I let too much time . We can’t get back time. So we have to take advantage of it. Dealing with a life coach is not like dealing with a life coach like we think it is really is different. And I’m now such a big proponent of it obviously but do the work inside, listen to yourself and then find somebody that gets you. Because if you can find somebody that gets you, it doesn’t feel awkward and weird and strange. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve ugly cried in front of somebody.    Sundae: If you’re not crying, you’re not doing it right.    Claire: Right? Ugly cry. And then you laughing and then you’re like, “Okay, this is good.” So just give yourself the courage to do it because it’s all about your worth it. I mean you really are.    Sundae: Well I want to take a little side step here, we talked about this before we got on the call about this idea of life coach and what’s so funny is most people that – – first of all we need to define what a coach is because there’s a lot of sort of like the energy, that’s attached to some coaching schools or some processes or methods or people have no training. So, I just want to define coaching for a second for people who are listening.    Coaching, the purpose of coaching, if you look at the International Coaching Federation, coaching is where you assume your client is the expert of their life. And the coach has methodology to help the client find their own answers, right? And so, the coach is an expert in the methodology to help that person get out of their own head. Or to see what’s possible. But it’s all through that collaboration. So it’s that collaboration together where it makes it happen. I think that’s important.    Coaching is not therapy, it’s not counseling, it’s also a caveat. I think it’s important to say. And that coaching is focused on now and the future who you’re becoming. It’s not something that digs way back in the past and helps you find out why.    There are people in the industry that kind of ruin it because they don’t have called qualifications so they’re not delivering results, etc, etc.    So I did you think it’s important to just say that out loud and the other thing I want to say about this is I had a situation recently where I reached out to one of my mentors and I said, “Hey are you accepting clients right now? Because I have something I’d like to bring to you in coaching.” And they’re like, on that topic and coaching, and I was surprised by the response because the compliment was, “Sundae, you’re so good at what you do. Why would you need coaching?” And my answer was, “I am so good at what I do because I engage in these kinds of processes so that I don’t stay stuck.” Because I’m also human. And I also get stuck in my stuff.    And it’s like, for me, I need this. This is how I operate. I need a sparring partner. I need someone to call my bullshit. I need someone to remind me who I am, right? I also need those things. And l just want to say that for people who don’t know what that is and what that process is you get a taste of it in your book, right? But I just felt like that was an important side comment because what you did, I thought was so important, is you tried to do it on your own and then you noticed, you’ve kind of exhausted all of your creative resources and you wanted to make progress. So it was at that point where you said, “Hey maybe I shouldn’t do this alone.”   Claire: Yeah, and there’s no shame in asking for help, right? And I think that’s one of the things that a lot of people right now face. They’re afraid of asking for help.  Asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness. It just makes me better at what I do. Cuz now I can do things that I couldn’t do before. I didn’t have the tools to do those before.    Sundae: Yep. Absolutely.    Claire: And it builds confidence and it’s all about, how do we get better together versus why do I have to struggle on my own? That idea just drives me crazy. “I am okay, I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it.” Well, if I just help you carry it for a little bit here, then it be easier and we get to the next step and then we’ll see where you go.   Sundae:  Oh, and I’ve been that person. I being pregnant and I’d have like two loads of groceries on my hips, huge belly, opening the door of the key, and my husband’s like, “Do you need help?” I’m like, “No, I got this.” In hindsight, I’m like, what the heck?    Claire: Yeah,    Sundae: So I’m sure there are people who are listening who have been there 100%. So there was something I wanted to follow up with that. You got you and you didn’t ask for help. It’s like you asked for a sparring partner so you could do better. And this is when clients say to me, thank you for my . I’m like, “You’re the one who did the work,” you know. I mean, it’s the individual who is bringing their crap and things that are hard, they’re the ones doing the hard work, right? So, I think it’s important that this is a team effort and the one who’s bringing their topic to the session as the one is doing all the hard work.    Claire: Yeah, and one of the things that I’ve noticed working with clients is, especially in the beginning of coaching there like, “I just need someone to tell me what to do, and why.” That’s not going to happen here.    Sundae: Yeah. Yeah.    Claire: I’m not gonna tell you what to do. We’re gonna talk it out, but this is gonna, remarkably this is going to come from within.    Sundae: We’re gonna dig it out of you, I like it.   Claire: It might take a while but I don’t have the answer because my answer- and this is something that I have. And I think that this was one of the reasons why Sundae told me, like early, you should become a coach and all these things that we did. And when I toyed with writing a book I was like, “Who the hell wants to listen to what I have to say?” But then I was like the way that I wrote my book was, this is what I did, this was my journey. I’ll tell you all the things, they might not work for you, but this is what worked for me. And I’m very up front about that when I do speaking engagements or if I work with clients or when I talk about the book.    I don’t have a doctorate. This is from what I know of myself. This is my journey.    Sundae: Yeah, and, if you can go through that journey other people can go through their own version of it. Right? Like, whatever that means for them.    Claire: Yeah. And some of the things might work for you. But that doesn’t mean everything’s going to work for you, right? It’s not a Bible. It’s not the Encyclopedia of self-development.    Sundae: So I’m curious, like when we think about this, when you think about your journey and the ups and downs, what are you most proud of?    Claire: That I didn’t give up. I , I don’t know if you’ll this, but I coming to a session and having really negative energy, just didn’t want to be there.    I think I had moved and was in the middle of it and just like, “This sucks.” I moved back to Switzerland. I miss South Africa. And I sitting there and every time I think about it, I get mad at myself because I wasted all of it. I was giving up on the process, because I you called me out at the end of the session you were like, “I don’t know what’s going on with you but this is not right. This, isn’t you.”    Sundae: Mmm.    Claire: And I walked away from that and it was like I was almost just like, I’m done with this. I can, you know, I don’t need this anymore. I can, you know, whatever and it was what I needed at the most. Mmm. So I’m really glad that I never gave up on it because it is hard. And it doesn’t mean that it’s going to take six months and it’s going to be over, right? And I think that that’s another thing too, is that I still love when I can call someone and say, “I just need to have someone hold some space for me for a little while so I can get this out.” And I know the right people to call. I can call the right person and go, this person’s going to call me on my BS. This person’s going to just be really considerate or empathetic to the situation. I know who to call but it doesn’t end just because you do it and you go through a year or six months or whatever, it’s a continual process.    Sundae: That was what I was trying to come back to before is that I was just having a conversation with a client about this before we hopped on the call. I worked with the client for a year and she did some amazing work and then we reconnected a year or two later and life kicked her in the teeth. And she said, “Sundae, I’m so glad we worked together when we did because at first, I was under the impression that life would get easier because of what we were doing. But then I realized that life doesn’t get easier. I just have more tools.”    And that honestly, I think was also my naive idea way back, when I first started I thought that we would solve things and then they would go away, right? You dissolve a thought and it never comes back or you identify a pattern and then it’s gone. But it’s not that. It’s about when things get hard or when you get up against yourself or against things that are hard external to you, you just develop different strategies, different tools, different resilience, different ways of looking at. And that isn’t sexy marketing, right? We want quick fixes, we want instant and then gone forever. And I don’t believe in that. I don’t think life is that simple. I think our lives are more complex than that. And so that’s that’s just where I’m at and you’re right. You can just show up to hard things in new ways.    Claire: Right. And I think hard things aren’t going to go away just because you get through something, something else is going to come. Like a global pandemic, like a war, like aging parents, like there are a few things. Teenagers. All of those things. All the same time, all of them at the same time. And I think that there’s like this moment that of clarity sometimes that you’re like, “Oh wait, I . How did I deal with this? It’s not the same situation, but how did I deal with this?”    It’s almost like, “What would Sundae tell me to do?” Not that you tell but like, how would we have that conversation? And You have to do the hard work. And you have it there in you and now you can do the harder things. Those things were hard and now, there’s harder things.    Sundae: Yeah, but they’re not as hard to get through because you’ve done the muscle building so to speak to lift those things. So do you mind, if we flash forward? I am going to leave the rest of your journey for them to read about in your book. It’s actually really funny. I got in trouble on the airplane because I was laughing out loud while I was reading it. But let people read it. It’s fun, it’s light but love about how this is what I saw in you, is I saw a fresh direct way of speaking about reality of globally mobile lives in ways that weren’t being talked about and needed to be talked about, that demystified or it’s spoke, a truer truth, so to speak, right? So check it out.    It’s really, really beautiful, but I will fast forward. That was this book talks about your journey, but you’ve been on such another journey since then. You just keep going. Keep changing. Can you catch people up? Tell us a little bit about what kind of transitions you’re feeling right now and what form of transformation is happening in your own life right now.    Claire: So there’s a few different things, right now, if I look at my life, as a globally mobile person, I’ve become a stair in my world. So, I’m now kind of like having not just packing up, I’m usually that three-year person. I’m probably not going anywhere anytime soon. So like there’s a little bit of, that’s different. Those transitions lead through everyone’s leaving. Or everybody knows that they’re leaving in this certain time and I’m like but we’re not.  So that’s part of it and there’s things that you can do to help that. Solopreneurship. It’s like that’s a total shit show sometimes because I don’t know what I like. I’ve always worked for a corporation. When I worked outside of the home, I work for a corporation, I walked in, they gave me a badge, they gave me a computer. Here’s your software program, learn it. It was totally different. Now I’m kind of like, “What do I do today?” Right? So that’s part of it.    I’m learning that I’m parenting teens! I’ve never done that before. I’m preparing to be an empty nester soon. Well, not really soon. I still feel like one will leave. Don, he’s like, “But I’ve got to get ready for that one to leave.” There’s potential for me to be on a different continent from that person. He’s only 18 years old and still needs their mom sometimes. And I have aging parents so I am going through that transition of taking more, I don’t know if it’s a responsibility level, but there’s just that. So there’s a lot of different moving parts that are going on at the same time.   Sundae: Yeah. Kind of sounds like it. So we talked about Ambitious Transformation in Transition. What is your definition of ambitious right now? What is ambitious for you?    Claire: I think because I’m in like an uncomfortable growth stage, in a lot of ways, I’m in the uncomfortable growth stage. If you look at the hero’s journey or whatever, it’s like the uncomfortable growth stage, I just continually have to show up. It’s just showing up as me and if those who know me, if you read my book, if you follow me on social media, know me personally, you get what you get. I’m really no fluff person and so if I know that I’m staying true to that and showing up and being there for all the people, that I need to be but showing up continually for myself. So that I can give them only things that they need. That’s ambitious for me. But I have to come first. And that’s why I think it’s ambitious because everyone’s like, “Who the hell puts themselves first?”    Sundae: And it’s a complete reversal from your former pattern of what you’d started talking about in the beginning of this episode. Meeting everybody’s needs, ignoring yours, people-pleasing. And that’s why I wanted to bring you on today because I think one, you’re so generous in sharing the real story. I think It’s a chapter in your book, “I’m fine.” And I always say, when people say they’re fine, I’m like, “I don’t believe you.” I work with too many people to know how real lives are actually. Well, of course, we’re not always fine, there’s some area of our life that weird being humaning and could use a little bit of TLC for your journey.    I think is so awesome in of where you’ve got come from and then also the transparency about the journey. Appreciate that so much. I’ve been able to watch you go from that space to actually ing people in that space.    So if you follow my work, you know that Claire is part of the Global Coach Coalition. So she went from that whole personal journey and that’s what I love about what you’ve done, you’ve done the real work. It’s not academic, it’s not just like in your head, you memorized a few things. It’s that you’ve you embody it. You’ve done the hard work. So when you work with others, you get it right in your bones. And I think that’s really important and yeah, I think it’s cool. So shameless plug for Claire, if you are looking for , she’s also a member of the Global Coach Coalition and is a facilitator of Adapt and Succeed.    She also does things on confidence. So if you want someone by your side You didn’t give me permission, so I hope it’s okay I’m sayong that. I’m shamelessly plugging you right now so Claire is awesome or just check out her book.    Anything else that you want to leave people with when we look at getting your shift together, right? It’s about these shifts that you make in your life. And these sort of last words of wisdom for people.   Claire:  Just don’t be afraid to take – we talked about opening the door. Don’t be afraid to open the door because you don’t know what’s ahead of you. Let’s say, you got to be brave. Just take the brave stuff to open the door. Don’t have to walk through it today but now you can see that there’s other things out there and yeah, that’s the first step to getting your shift together.   Sundae: So good. That’s so perfect. And now you see why I had to have Claire on right after my series on transformation. We talked about the Crumble, Infinite Possibilities, Fight Mode, and Triumph In Transition, you can see Claire’s journey in each one of those phases she’s been through. So check those episodes out if you haven’t. Check out her book and of course if you want to be someone who s others, check out Global Coach Coalition.    So Claire, thank you for being here, it’s been awesome.   Claire: Thanks for having me.  Sundae: My face hurts from smiling, which is always a good sign. All right, I will leave you all with the words of Joseph Campbell: “We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.”   Enjoy The Show? Don’t miss an episode, subscribe via iTunes or RSS. Please leave us a review in iTunes (or here for Android). The post 305: Think Big with Claire Hauxwell appeared first on Sundae Schneider-Bean, LLC..

Don’t hate me. Or at least let me finish my train of thought before you do, okay? If you’re familiar with my work, you’ve heard me reference the caterpillar-to-butterfly analogy to illustrate the transformation journey. But what if, after the former caterpillar emerges from the chrysalis, it starts flying but instead of living its best butterfly life, it looks back with regret? “There’s so much wind up here! I had it so sweet down there, tucked away in my tree trunk, with predictable access to my all-you-can-eat leaf buffet.” So what can we learn from the sad butterfly? (And no, staying small and safe isn’t it.) 1) It’s normal to miss aspects of your pre-transformation routine and acknowledge the benefits you traded for post-transformation you. 2) Just because you arrive at your Triumph IN TRANSIT phase, doesn’t mean that life gets easier. For the conclusion of our Bean Pod dedicated to the four phases of transformation, I’ve saved the best for last. So pop the champagne because this week, we’re celebrating Triumph IN TRANSIT. As the title suggests, Triumph IN TRANSIT is where you arrive after you’ve traversed through all the tough stuff in your transformation. It’s that sweet spot where you can (finally!) enjoy the fruits of your labor. However, as beautiful as this often underacknowledged phase is, it’s not without pitfalls. So today, I’ll show you how to properly recognize and celebrate Triumph IN TRANSIT. Then, I’ll help you spy with your little eye hidden dangers to stay in this phase as long as possible and be better prepared for when the bubble bursts. What You’ll Learn in this Episode: How to stop upper limiting Paying the wisdom forward You’ve done it before, you’ll do it again Feeling called to do something else Repeating what worked Listen to the Full Episode: Featured on the Show: A fast track to Triumph IN TRANSIT? Well, if there ever was one, this is it. LAST CALL to the 100% FREE 2023 Ambition Com challenge. I’ve never offered this level of 360-degree coaching in an open event before and won’t host another challenge for a long time. Why miss out? Sign up right here and we’ll get you caught up in a flash. Sundae’s Website Sundae’s Facebook Business Page – Sundae Schneider-Bean LLC Sundae Bean – YouTube Adapt and Succeed IN TRANSIT Hub Global Coach Coalition Quiz: Which Phase of Transformation Are You In? 2023 Ambition Com Challenge Catch These Podcasts / Articles: EP190: Scale of Wholeness EP301: The Crumble EP302: Infinite Possibilities EP303: Fight Mode We’re delighted to be in the Top 5 of the global Best 30 Expat Podcasts! Subscribe: iTunes | Android Full Episode Transcript: Transcript Hello, it is 4 a.m. in New York, 10 a.m. in Johannesburg, and 4 p.m. in Bangkok. Welcome to IN TRANSIT with Sundae Bean. I’m an intercultural strategist, transformation facilitator, and solution-oriented coach. And I am on a mission to help you adapt and succeed through ANY life transition.  Today, we are talking about Triumph IN TRANSIT and to tell you the truth, we are often in this phase and completely miss it. It means that all the potential satisfaction and pleasure that we gain from being there is missed because we are not doing the right things to notice. I’m going to talk about the fourth phase of transformation today. It is part of our four part series on transformation. You might recall episode 301: The Crumble, 302: Infinite Possibilities, and 303: Fight Mode. What happens after you’ve gone through this whole journey and you fought to get where you are and you land in Triumph IN TRANSIT?    The problem about not being mindful of this phase is that you have this opportunity to truly enjoy the fruits of your labor and might miss it in an instant because why, because our lives are constantly IN TRANSIT. And if we are in old modes, like our Fight Mode but in a new phase, we actually miss the best part of the phase were actually in. I’ll go into more detail in a little bit, but if you’re asking yourself, “Sundae, I don’t even know what phase of transformation I’m in. I haven’t listened to these podcasts yet.” Then all you got to do is spend two minutes and check out the quiz. We have in the show notes, it will tell you in a playful way where you are right now and then what you can do.    I talk about Green Lights, things to do more of and stop signs, what you want to avoid for each and every phase and here’s the thing, if you know where you are but it’s not this phase, it’s still worth listening to because our lives are often in sort of a messy cycle and you will come around to this area eventually. So you want to make sure that you’re using the right strategies at the right time. So it’s worth listening to all four.    Okay? I want to be really transparent about this topic of Triumph IN TRANSIT. Originally I planned on just diving straight in on what it is, right? It’s a place where you are harvesting the fruits of your labor. It’s the place that you’ve worked so incessantly to reach and now you’re there and you can just enjoy what you’ve built and it was going to just dive straight into things to avoid and things to do more of. But what I couldn’t shake was the fact that this very morning I was looking back on my life IN TRANSIT, I had a moment where I missed my life in South Africa.    Here I am in Switzerland, I love my life here; there’s many new things. It’s not that I want to go back or wish I could rewind and change something, but it still means that there is longing for a time that I experienced there. And what was I longing for? I was longing for the Triumph IN TRANSIT right now. I am somewhere between Infinite Possibilities and Fight Mode. We have recreated our family in a new continent. We have put our children into institutions that they’ve never been to, in languages they haven’t spoken academically. I’ve taken on new roles that I haven’t had before and and I’m working on finding a way to get my exercise routine that I really enjoyed back in South Africa here, right?    So, my life is not there anymore. And this morning when I was thinking about Triumph IN TRANSIT that I longing for that. I was longing for when my routine was set, when my health was on point, when date night was fixed, time with the kids guaranteed. And that is the point of Triumph IN TRANSIT  and being aware of it, often, we have to experience it and realize we were not fully embracing it. Have it watch us us by and land in The Crumble until we really appreciate where we are now. This isn’t a way to look back with regret. I should have paid attention to it. I should have celebrated more. It’s actually, as a way to look with inspiration and say, “Hey, you got there once, you can get there again.”    Okay. So today we’re going to look at what you should do if you’ve done the hard work and you are now starting to feel the fruits of your labor. Then how can you stay there as long as possible? Because as my mother always says, well, she quotes it from other more famous materials but, “This too shall .”    This is also a phase which I find so fascinating. When my clients are in Triumph IN TRANSIT, they are like, “I have the house. I’ve got the kids, I’m doing the work I want. And now, someday, I don’t know if I want it anymore. I built this life and I don’t know if this is it.” And actually what’s happening is they have done the work, they’ve gone through all the phases, they fought for it, now they have it but the question is, “Did I do something wrong?” But more, “What’s next?” right?    “What’s next?” Oftentimes, I talk to people who have wonderful lives and they feel guilty for not being more joyful about everything they have and of course, they should be practicing gratitude. They should be putting things in perspective. In of the privilege that they have used vis a vis someone else. There’s a lot of work that they could do to appreciate they are at.    But often and when they do that work, the question is not, “Did I do the wrong thing or am I not appreciating enough?” But is it hard to hear the question.    “What’s next?”  “Do I feel guilty about saying, this isn’t enough?”  “Who would ever say that about having house security relationship security, family? No one would say that out loud”    And it can also be true that you have that and appreciate it and are called to do something next. It doesn’t mean you’re going to leave those things. It’s that there’s something new emerging on top of it. So when you’re in Triumph IN TRANSIT, we want to be able to answer the question with affirmative, “Yes!” on is the juice is worth the squeeze when you work so hard in Fight Mode. Now that you have what you have, is this worth holding on to? Or are you ready to transform into something new, right?    So what happens often in this phase that people do is that they get there and then they self-sabotage they say something like, “Well that was just luck.” Or, “This is as good as it gets.” and they’re not really building on what they’ve already done. So we’re going to look really quickly at a few Stop Signs and a few Green Lights If you’re in Triumph IN TRANSIT. And the thing is, what I find very interesting about this phase is people have this idea that when you get to the phase where you have the business, with a revenue that you’re hoping for or your relationship has a depth of connection that you were yearning for. Whatever it is. They think that their life is going to be easier, but I’m sorry to tell you this, the reality is that your life is probably even more complex than it was before. Your life is still IN TRANSIT.    You now are in a thick of soup of new changes and your body’s changing. Your health is changing, your relationships are changing, right? And some of my clients say, “Sundae, it’s like you burst my bubble.” You think, “Once I made it, let’s say in my marriage or as a parent or my business, that it’ll be easier,” but that’s not true.  I don’t think it ever gets easier. Being a parent, it just changes. Same with your business. Same thing with your relationships.    So what do we do with that? If that’s true that things don’t get easier. Once you’ve made it because we are breaking up for the idea, this Triumph IN TRANSIT that now, everything is simple. Then what do we do to actually put in some ease?    And the first thing that you can do is Stop Upper Limiting. So a Stop Sign here is stop telling yourself, “This is as good as it gets.” So maybe you’re saying, “Well, my partner and I don’t fight anymore.” Really all that hard work and your goal is just not to fight? What if you could go even further and create connection, right? So Upper Limiting might be in your business. “Well, it’s okay. I’ve got five clients. But are you happy with that or do you want to have eight clients,” right? Telling yourself, “This is as good as it gets,” is Upper Limiting.    And if you from the other phases, Infinite Possibilities is exactly that infinite. You got two more in you, there could be more ease. You could be doing less for more money, right? That’s a thing. Stop Upper Limiting. And I understand how easy that is to do.    The other thing we need to stop doing is Failing to Recognize Your Success and Achievements. I often watch people say that, “Okay, I’m here and it’s amazing, but it was just luck.” And that is such a shame for all of the relentless hours that you put into your growth, into the courageous questions that you asked, into the things that you learned and maybe things that you invested in or studied. So one thing you can do instead is to pause and to notice what are the steps that took you to get there?    I always say that celebrating is noticing. Really just say, “Hey, honestly, here’s what I did to get there,” and name those things. That will help you get there. And some of you there’s a bonus here around doing that. When you take stock of everything that you did to get there, you automatically put yourself into a better position to mentor others. You can use the hard work that you’ve invested, not only to repeat that for other areas of your life, but to share that with other people, right? So definitely pause and take stock. What have you done as a parent, as a business person, as a professional, for your health, for your sport, whatever it is to get to where you are today?    Maybe I said, “Hey I set my alarm at 5 a.m. everyday,” or like me and I made my disgusting smoothie even though I don’t want to drink it and I did it. So what did it take to do that?    So if we accept the fact that our lives are constantly IN TRANSIT, we have to accept that we won’t stay in Triumph IN TRANSIT forever. That’s the whole point. Triumph means to feel the satisfaction or the pleasure in that phase of transformation. And so the question is, what are some of the mistakes that people make when they’re in this phase? It actually sounds like an amazing phase but like we talked about before, life doesn’t just get easier. You just build better skills to handle what life brings you.    So some of the things I think that we myself included, I’ve done this, I say this is my clients and we all need to be aware of is when we are in this phase of Triumph in transition and we finally are experiencing the things we’d hope for, one of the biggest things I see people do is that they completely forget that they haven’t always been there. And that means they forget to look back and celebrate the thousand steps that it took, the thousand things they did to invest in where they are today. So that’s one thing, I think that people do wrong is that they actually miss out on celebrating. And I don’t mean in a brag sort of way or like self-congratulating. I mean, celebrating is noticing and giving yourself the opportunity to feel that satisfaction, to feel the pleasure, right? Why not feel Triumph IN TRANSIT. We are going to need that joy bomb because what happens probably next is probably The Crumble. So you want to stay in that phase and enjoy that phase as much as possible.    And that’s one thing that you can do is really to, take stock of what it took to get there. What you did. What was your contribution? And of course, maybe you have access to resources that other people don’t have. Or, of course, there might be an element of right timing, fair enough. And you also put yourself in positions where you would try something new where you would learn from a mistake, where you would go forward. So give yourself the credit to take credit where it’s due. You write a note, it and this automatically puts you into another opportunity.    Now, when we’re in Triumph IN TRANSIT, you have figured something out that other people have. It may be people are on your level or ahead of you, fine. But there’s a lot of people that are further down the road in their journey, they are 500 steps back. And on your journey, you’ve learned where the boulders are and where the potholes are to step around. So in that process of taking stock of the steps, it took to get you there and bring you that success, you automatically position yourself to be a mentor for others on their journey. And their journey won’t be exactly like yours but there’s some hard-earned wisdom that you have that others can benefit from.    So if you are in Triumph IN TRANSIT, consider how you might be able to show up as a mentor to others. Maybe it’s as a parent, maybe it’s as a coach, maybe it’s as a professional. Maybe it’s a community leader, right? If you have done the work and you fought the fight and you are there and are now experiencing the fruits of the labor, you can that on to others and make a positive impact.    The other thing you can do is when you take note of that, you ask yourself, “Hey, what worked? Let me just do more of that.” What worked? Do more. And that will help you stay there longer, right?    But of course, our lives and our businesses are always IN TRANSIT and we can’t always avoid the changes that are going to happen, and we can’t always predict them. Again, we have internal transformation, external, and performance-led. So while you are in Triumph IN TRANSIT, soak it in. Take a moment today to pause on what you’ve built. Take a moment today to sort of soak in how good it is now compared to when you began this journey.    So it’s important for us to not take it for granted and if you are in this phase of Triumph IN TRANSIT, you can go even further to hold on to this satisfaction and pleasure by checking out my episode 190: Scale of Wholeness where what you’re doing is you’re calibrating and not just goal achievement. But how is it going with the balance of your health? How about your connections? Are they meaningful? Are you getting as much space as you need to think? Do you feel on purpose? So check out the Scale of Wholeness because the good thing that you’ve got now and what you’re harvesting now could be even better if you look at it from this lens of Scale of Wholeness.    Now, if you are absolutely not in this phase, maybe you’re back in The Crumble, I want to give you some hope. It is worth paying attention to Triumph IN TRANSIT and recognize when you have been there in other times of your life. As I mentioned about missing South Africa, missing the routines we had, it gives me sort of energy, hope, comfort, going, “Hey, my life wasn’t always like that. There are things I did to establish that routine to feel that joy, to be able to get that success.” And now I’m implementing those strengths, those strategies, and those solutions that I’ve built in other contexts. So if you’re not feeling the Triumph right now, it is okay because it will come and you’ve been in that space in other areas of your life or other times of your life. And if you can go back and look at how you got there and know that it comes. And even if it goes, other areas of your life will also lend it to give you hope.    Okay. So there you have it, Triumph IN TRANSIT. It is one of the phases of transformation I think we don’t talk enough about, and I think the disservice that we do is that we’re not terracing the work that we’ve done in the way that we could as deeply. And we’re not getting as much pleasure out of it. So why not? Who doesn’t want more pleasure and satisfaction?    The other thing is we’re missing the opportunity to take stock for exactly how much we’ve learned and therefore forget that we could actually be a mentor for others. So, Triumph IN TRANSIT. I hope that if you were there right now, you’re going to apply some of these things to stay there even longer. And if you’re not there right now, I hope that it gives you inspiration on where you have been in that in your life. And that, how are you taking those steps you did then to get you there now in a different flavor, different form? But you got this, it’s coming. Just do the work and look back at the episodes, whether you were in The Crumble, Infinite Possibilities, or Fight Mode. And trust the process.    All right. So back to the topic of mentorship, if you are living a life IN TRANSIT, let’s say you were part of the globally mobile community, and you’ve lived abroad for 14 years and you’ve moved to another country. You’ve got certification to help other people or whatever it is. And you’re feeling pretty okay with things, you’re pretty proud of how you’ve shown up for yourself or for  your family and you haven’t yet taken the next step to mentor others. I think you and I should talk, you might be the perfect fit for Global Coach Coalition.    It’s where we take the tools that I use to people whose lives are IN TRANSIT and teach you those tools as well as you in growing your own business so you can keep your business triumphant as long as possible. So that you can help other people get to Triumph IN TRANSIT in their own lives. So check out Global Coach Coalition. I’ve been talking about it for a few weeks in the group in are IN TRANSIT Hub. You can also get inspiration by coming to our free challenge, the 2023 Ambition Com Challenge. Now, listen up, if you’re listening to this and it’s past the date, still jump in our group, the IN TRANSIT Community because you can check out the recordings there or you can be in with me. And we’ll help you get what you need.    All right, everyone, I am so happy to celebrate these four areas of transformation with you. I want to just remind you that our lives are always IN TRANSIT. Wherever you are in your life or your business is totally okay. I hope that what you’re taking away from this four-part series is that all you have to do is recognize where you are in that thing that means the most to you right now, and then just avoid those Stop Signs and do more of the Green Lights, and the rest will take care of itself. And if you want to fast-track it or if you want to make sure you’ve got the right at the right time, let me know. I’ve got Adapt and Succeed and my Coalition by my side to help you.  Thank you for being here today. This is IN TRANSIT with Sundae Bean. Thank you for listening. I will leave you with the wise words of poet, Jean-Baptiste Paul Kelly. He says: “The greater the obstacle, the more glory in overcoming it.”   Enjoy The Show? Don’t miss an episode, subscribe via iTunes or RSS. Please leave us a review in iTunes (or here for Android). The post 304: Triumph in Transit appeared first on Sundae Schneider-Bean, LLC..

If you want to learn about fighting, learn from the best. Back in 1964, World Heavyweight Champion Sonny Liston was considered unbeatable. Then, Cassius Clay, who later became known as Muhammad Ali, challenged Liston to what turned out to be a legendary boxing match. Before Ali got in the ring, an interviewer asked him about his Fight Mode prep, and how — when no one else could — Ali plans on defeating Liston. Cool as a cucumber, Ali replied, “I’ll float like a butterfly, and sting like a bee.” Notice how Ali didn’t say, “I’ll attack like a raging bull.” No. He used a gentle, graceful butterfly analogy. Floating takes less energy. And Ali knew that when in Fight Mode, you must conserve your resources for the long haul, stinging only when absolutely necessary. We’re suiting up for Fight Mode in the third part of our Bean Pod devoted to the four phases of transformation. And no, it’s not too late to take the fun, FREE quiz. You’re just two minutes away from pinpointing your transformation location. This week feels extra personal because I was born for Fight Mode. (I’ll tell you more about my childhood near-death experiences in the episode.) But whether it’s in your health, marriage, career, or whatever — everybody’s fighting something. So today, I’ll share traits common to the Fight Mode transformation phase. I’ll also guide you on ways to maximize your energy. Then, you’ll see the punches you need to duck, sense opportunities to know when to strike, and ultimately swing for the knockout to score the victory. What You’ll Learn in this Episode: Mind junk, dandy dolls, & lousy pushups Shutting up the “mean girl” in your head Getting your driver’s license in a foreign country Why Zumba’s harder with an audience Overly ambitious = consistency death Listen to the Full Episode: Featured on the Show: Ding! Ding! Ding! Whatever you’re fighting, I’m jumping into the ring with you. My 100% FREE 2023 Ambition Com challenge is just getting started and you haven’t missed a thing. You won’t believe the deep level of coaching and surprises I have in store, so sign up right here. Sundae’s Website Sundae’s Facebook Business Page – Sundae Schneider-Bean LLC Sundae Bean – YouTube Adapt and Succeed IN TRANSIT Hub Global Coach Coalition Quiz: Which Phase of Transformation Are You In? 2023 Ambition Com Challenge Tsuks Pro Fitness: trainer_tsuks Martha Beck Catch These Podcasts / Articles: EP301: The Crumble EP302: Infinite Possibilities We’re delighted to be in the Top 5 of the global Best 30 Expat Podcasts! Subscribe: iTunes | Android Full Episode Transcript: Transcript Hello, it is 4 a.m. in New York, 10 a.m. in Johannesburg, and 4 p.m. in Bangkok. Welcome to IN TRANSIT with Sundae Bean. I’m an intercultural strategist, transformation facilitator, and solution-oriented coach. And I am on a mission to help you adapt and succeed through ANY life transition.    So, I was at a doctor’s appointment back in, I think, 2016. I’d originally come to her because I had a cold and she said, “I’m sorry, I don’t work with acute infections. I’m more of an integrative specialist but you can come back when you want to look at your overall wellness.” And because I was feeling a little bit up and down, in of, I think my hormones, I thought it was a good idea to just have my blood work done and check in with my general health. So, we met, I gave her my blood work, and she does a full examination. She looked at me and she said, “When I look at you and how happy you are and how productive you are, I don’t understand when I look at the blood work.” She said, “The only explanation I have is that you, one, are too good at your coaching strategies because of the level of productivity that you manage. But something else is going on in your body.” And she said, “It’s like you’re stuck in Fight Mode.   You know, fight/flight, fawn or freeze. I am definitely a fighter. And it’s one of those things where you have to be careful that one of your strengths can also become a weakness. And it was in that time where I said to her, “What do you mean stuck on Fight Mode?” And then I was like, “Oh yeah!” We just left Burkina Faso suddenly because of the terrorist attack that was there and the conditions were changing. I solo parented by myself for, I don’t know, five months while our family was split across continents, while I was still running my business. And then in a very short notice, we decided to move to South Africa. We moved there. So, yeah, maybe I was stuck in Fight Mode.   And the thing is, that has been my own journey, especially since then, where I’ve had to learn how to hold Fight Mode where it matters and create balance in other areas where I have to be careful of not being depleted, right? And some people they have the opposite problem. They don’t feel confident yet jumping into the ring. And fighting whatever it is, for your business growth, to get more clients, to work on your house, to fight for your marriage. Whatever it is. Or they jump in but then get out of the ring quick because they don’t think they have what it takes to stay and fight. Even if you were in the phase that we talked about last episode inspired by a dream that you discovered when you were in Infinite Possibilities.    So, this is our dilemma. How do we do Fight Mode without depleting? And how do we start Fight Mode when we are frozen and scared to dive in the ring?    So this is our third pod of a four-part series where we’re going to talk about transformation and how you’re showing up in your life and your business. So if you missed episode 301: The Crumble definitely go check that out or episode 302: Infinite Possibilities because they are jam-packed with information. And if you’re curious about what phase of transformation you’re actually in, then go ahead and take the quiz. It’s super fast and fun in the show notes, it will help you understand where is your area of focus right now and what area of transformation are you in based on that area of focus. And the good news is when we know where we are, we’re able to then identify the strategies that work for that phase. And that’s why I’m doing this 4-part series. There isn’t a one-size-fits-all approach to transformation. We have to hone in and look at where you are and what are the things that will serve you right now? And what are the things they’re going to hold you back?    Just like when I went to the doctor, she said, “This is now, you have to stop fighting.” You need to move into another phase. So knowing what strategies we need when we need it will definitely help you. And by the way, that simple comment from the doctor having someone really look at where I’m at from a very professional level of the signs. Here it was physical, for you, it might be in your business or In your professional craft. That was a pivot point for me to change everything in ways I never knew were possible. It unleashed potential in me that I didn’t even know existed. I was able to crash through limits that I didn’t even know I set for myself. So I really committed to this for you to understand where you are in your process and again, find out where you’re at. And then do what I call Green Lights, more of what works. And Red Lights, avoid what are the pitfalls so that you can really make the most of the phase that you’re in and then nurture where you are in transformation.    So, that’s what we’re going to talk about today. I’m really excited. So for me, personally for better or worse, I was literally born for Fight Mode. I know I hear stories from my mother that she was bedridden with me, most of the pregnancy. So, I was fighting literally from the womb. I was born six weeks early, again fighting to get into this world. And I haven’t shared this. Within, I think six to eight weeks after I was born, I was diagnosed with double pneumonia and nearly died. So I literally, when I say that, I was born for fighting, Fight Mode, I think it’s in my genes.    So throughout my life, I’ve had to work with that and then find out ways that now I can take that energy, that fight, and have it not depleted. So grateful that I’ve been on that journey because my life is full of so much more joy and I hope that people feel that joy because of the work that I did to know what I do with that energy.    So for you maybe you’re a fighter too but you’re fighting in places that are start and stop, start and stop and you’re not seeing the results. You’re working hard but you’re just not getting to the place that you want to get, right? So, I hope this also resonates with you.    Now, today to teach you a little bit more about Fight Mode, I’m going to use the analogy of what I learned when I did boxing in South Africa. So I lived in South Africa for six years and in the last year, I was so lucky to have an amazing boxing coach that would come to our home every Saturday and give us individual lessons for myself and my family. And wow, did I learn a lot about myself during that process. So big shout out to my coach, Tsuks, who was amazing. He’s also a leader, a teacher in boxing, but for yourself when you’re going through that process with him, you’re fighting and you’re at your limits. So shout out to him as well.    Now, again, when we’re looking at the phases of transformation, we talked about The Crumble, that’s where you don’t know what the heck is going on. You’re lost. You might not have a vision of what’s next. Maybe something has been stripped away from you and you just need to literally cocoon yourself and take care of yourself and nurture yourself for that phase, but you don’t yet have direction, right?    When you get into Infinite Possibilities, that phase is where you’re starting to open yourself up to the potential of something new emerging and that’s exciting. But there are Infinite Possibilities. And so, in that moment, when you realize that it’s exciting, you could do anything. And the question is, which one is the right one? You might be putting yourself under a lot of pressure to choose the right thing. Or you might be strewn with self-doubt to say, “Wait a minute, I’d love to do that, but do I have what it takes.” So that might sound familiar. You might have been there in your business, in a relationship, as a parent, as a community member. Whatever that is.    Now let’s say you’ve gone through that. And again, it’s not quite that linear, it’s not quite that tidy. If we’re honest. Now, you have decided, this is the thing I want, right? Maybe someone told you you’d be a great coach, you ask great questions, you love ing people, you want to let’s say women’s empowerment. And you go to coaching training, you get your certificate and it’s like, “Okay, now I want to do the thing.” But people aren’t just running to your website to do the thing. And you now know what you want, you’re fully committed. Your whole body is on board, but it’s like, “How do I make it happen? How do I pay the bills? How do I make money? How do I serve people? How do I get the right people to work with?” That is the next phase of Fight Mode.    And this is a challenging phase because now you can taste the dream. You have clarity, you know what you want but how do you get there? And that can feel overwhelming because it feels like an intangible journey. So this is what we’re talking about with Fight Mode. It could be something with business. It could be with your relationship. Maybe you’ve been married for 20 years and you’ve had kids and you have, you’re living, you’ve got your job and then you’re like, “Meh,” right? And you can taste it, you know what kind of connection you want, you know how you want to be as a couple. But man, how do you reverse 20 years of patterns? Or how do you get the courage to start interrupting patterns that aren’t serving you anymore?    Or maybe you have a small child at home and you’re like, “Oh how do I create a routine so I don’t go crazy. How do I have a relationship and discipline and teach this child in a way that’s aligned with what feels right for me but is also effective.” So this is what I mean by Fight Mode. You’re at the cusp of really making an impact on something that is meaningful to you. But you have a long journey ahead. Or you have a journey. We don’t know how long it is, fair enough.    So I want you to think about where in your life are you required to be in Fight Mode to be able to fulfill that dream or to reach that possibility that you’re now dreaming of? Maybe it’s a promotion at work, maybe you want to lead a team. Maybe you want to make a shift in your community to focus more on environmental issues. etc, etc.    So here’s the thing. I have a few tips about Fight Mode, to keep you going, to keep you swinging. A lot of my clients are in Fight Mode, right? These are my clients I’ve usually brought from The Crumble, Infinite Possibilities and we want to feel the success, but we need to keep the motivation high in Fight Mode. And I’ll share with you some things you need to look out for.  So first of all, I want to think about: Where in your life do you feel like you have clarity in what you want but you don’t dare really, really want it because you don’t know if it’s possible? You know the next step is to go from an idea to actually doing things in the real world to make it happen, right? That tough conversation, that application, the investment, whatever it is. So think of that in your mind because, of course, our lives are always in constant transition.   And it might be one area of your life is Fight Mode but the others are in different places. So pick up the one where you’re at the cusp or you might be in the thick of it working hard at something and not really feeling the results that you want. So there we go. We got that one.    Now you want to think about: What do I need to know that will stop me from making progress in this phase? And then what should I do instead? And believe me, this is called hard-earned wisdom. This is from my own journey. This is for my clients’ journeys, right? So, I’m just trying to help you avoid some of these bumps or work through them faster. So you don’t have to, you don’t learn as hard as those who’ve come before you.    So the first one, I love to think about what I called those Stop Signs, right? We’re looking for Stop Signs, things that you need to keep in mind when you’re in this phase. And you have to do the work, the bar exam. Get into the university. I don’t know, get your driver’s in a country that doesn’t even speak your language. Whatever it is that you have to do.    So, the first thing I have learned in my own life, but also with my clients is something that I saw happened in boxing. So, for example, if you’re boxing, there’s a defense position, and I’m sure my coach if he was watching this he would be like, “That’s not how you hold your hands.” But you have to hold your hands up to defend yourself, but still, see what’s happening. What I watch with my clients is what they’ll do is they will have their opponent right next to them, right? And that’s actually their goal, the thing that they want to achieve. And then what they’ll do is, they’ll look at the side of the ring and see the fighters that are in the next boxing class on the side. And in that moment, they get punched in the face. Because you keep your eyes on and your opponent. You need to know where you’re going and not get distracted from what’s happening left or right. You will literally get punched in the face if this happens.    So what I see happening with my clients, whether you are a leader in a division or you’re a coach who has now officially a business. But they’re trying to get clients, is you turn your head and you look at those who are ahead of you and you get punched with compare and despair. Dr. Martha Beck calls it “Compare and Despair.” Where you see that people are in a different place than you and it’s like a punch in the gut and it completely deflates you from any confidence. And the problem with that is that serves you ZERO for moving forward on your goal. Actually, you’re further back now, you got a bruise in the face, the wind is knocked out of you, and you’re on the ground. So now you have to use your energy to get up and get into Fight Mode.    Do you see how useless that is? And I don’t know about you, but I have limited energy. So it is an absolute depletion of energy when you do that.    Now, what you could do is, there’s one other thing you need to think about with that is, if I see the fighter on the side, who’s in the next class, who’s further ahead than me, and I start judging myself that I’m not there yet. It is completely contextual. It’s unfounded because you have no idea what access to resources they had. You have no idea what their network or relationship network is like to help them get to where they needed to go. You have no idea what they sacrificed to get there, things you’re not willing to sacrifice. You have no idea what they gave up to get there. So it’s not even relevant because their lives are different than yours. You’re not comparing apples and apples. You are in completely different contexts. So that’s another reason why it is an absolute waste of energy.    But if you are looking to others who are ahead of you, then do it for inspiration, do it to say, “Hey how did they do that? If that’s possible, if they can do it then maybe I can do it.” So if you are going to look at where other people are in a different position from you, then draw inspiration from it, otherwise it’s a waste of your energy. And in boxing, what I’ve learned is you have to conserve your energy. Taking too big of steps or extra steps, or going too fast will not serve you. So you need to conserve your energy and that’s what you need in Fight Mode. This is the long haul, we have to be ready to fight until the Bell Rings, right? So conserve your energy, that’s the first thing I think it’s really important. And I really, really want you to get this point because I’m going to hit my 10th anniversary in my business this year. And I know it with my whole body how important that is. I always say that my energy is my biggest asset so conserve that energy and use it in really wise ways.    Okay. The next thing you want to do, watch for Stop Signs is what we call Mind Junk, right? The thoughts that you’re telling yourself that again deplete you or are not even true. And I understand how easy that is, especially in the boxing context, there would be things that my coach would ask me to do and I’m, like, “No way in hell can  I do that.” I’m sure I even use saltier language than that with my coach. I was like, “No, there’s no way I can do that,” and I already decided it wasn’t possible. And the funny thing about it is I had already given myself a limit of what was or wasn’t possible, and I haven’t even tested it yet. How funny is that? We tell ourselves we can’t do something but we haven’t even tried.    So watch yourself. if you are giving yourself limits that you haven’t even tested. Or you’re the limit that you know is there but you haven’t started with small steps to work toward superseding that limit. So for example, I’ve had to work on my core. I have good cardio but strength is something that I didn’t have in my routine. And so, how do you build strength? You build it one rep at a time. I can’t do one of those pull-ups. But I was able to start by doing one lousy push up and then I did two lousy push-ups and then I did three and then I did one decent pushup, right? That is how you work through limits. My limit was: I can’t do push-ups. And then how do you work toward that to sort of stretch where your limits are?    So honestly, I want to hear from you, what are the limits you set for yourself in your mind that you haven’t even tested yet? Because that is a really important one.    Okay, so the next one is Neglecting to Celebrate. If you know my work, this is not a surprise, right? I always say celebrating is noticing. And this connects to energy. Why should we celebrate? Because when we noticed what we were doing? How we were showing up and we noticed the progress, we’re like, “Oh, okay, this is worth it.” It re-infuses you with energy to keep up the fight. Okay? So celebrating is noticing. And I during this year of boxing, I would take videos and watch my progress over time, it was so motivating because every Saturday morning I’d be like, “Ah, this sucks. I suck. This is hard,” right? And then I would see the video later and I’m like, “Oh actually, that is something I’m getting better at.” And I go back and look at videos from four weeks ago and I would see the progress. So that’s important. Celebrating is noticing. Notice the progress and I mean this was my whole body because, when you’re trying to build something, it’s those micro moments of progress that are happening, but you aren’t noticing them. And therefore you’re missing it.    And I with German it was like, oh I just want to learn how to order a beer in German without someone saying “Wie bitte?”. I wanted to just do that one thing and all of a sudden I was coaching CEOs in German and I had not spent any time celebrating the progress. I being frustrated because I was still struggling with some of the dandy dolls like the masculine, feminine, neutral in German. I was still focused on what I didn’t know what I wasn’t doing and I had missed completely that entire range of development in my language. I missed an opportunity to celebrate, I missed an opportunity to have joy and to infuse my motivation with more energy. So that’s important.    I , also, when I was boxing, we had an afternoon when we were learning something new and I was like, “Yeah. I don’t know how it went and it didn’t feel great.” I always have this thing, if it doesn’t feel good, it probably isn’t good, which isn’t true. Sometimes things that are uncomfortable, you’re doing well because you’re at your limits, you’re pushing your limits, you’re growing, but if it doesn’t feel good, you think it isn’t good. And I had that example with boxing and I went back and I took the video and I went on slow motion and I watched caption by caption. And I was able to only then look at the small steps and notice how cool that was when I slow down and objectively looked at that.    So that leads me to the Green Lights, what you should do. So if you neglect to celebrate, you need to, then, a Green Light is to stop and notice the small steps, right? So let’s go in. If you are like, “Sundae, I’ve got every single Stop Sign that you mentioned,” no problem. I’ve had all of them. My clients have had all of them. And then you’re human right? That’s fine.    So let’s look at the Green Lights, what are some things you can be doing in Fight Mode that will help bring you forward? So I think, one of the most important things you can do is Plan for the long haul. This is something that I teach in my program, Global Coach Coalition. I tell the my coaches, I said, “This is a long haul game. I am not a get rich quick person,” right? There’s no overnight success. You can go to other people and learn from them if you believe that. I think that’s bullshit, to be honest.    So what we talk about is, what’s the Long Haul Game? and for Global Coach Coalition, it’s really important that people know you, they trust you, And they like you. And those are relationships. Those aren’t overnight. And building an audience, building a mailing list, building a suite of tools that you can use for your clients, that all takes time. Because it’s quality. So if you can plan for the long haul, that will help you, again from a boxing methodology, understand, if I have to be in the ring for 12 minutes, don’t give all of my energy in the first three because I will get pummeled for the next six minutes if I don’t eek my energy out in wise ways. So plan for the long haul. Have a realistic look at what it takes.    So for example, the thing I see with a lot of my clients will come to me and they say, they want to start a business, they have conversations with their partners at home and they’re like, “Yeah, it’s an investment. What should we do?” And the partner inevitably says, “We’ll just look at after one year if it’s profitable and then you can decide whether you close it or you do something else.” And this is really hard for me because I think most small businesses, they need about three years to really set up a foundation and become profitable. I mean, Google it. Go look it up but usually, small businesses are not profitable in the first year.    In fact, I my first year of business, I went to my husband and I was outraged. I told him how much money I made and then I told him how much I spent. And I had made 1000 dollars more than I spent. And worked a whole year. I was outraged, I was like, “Are you kidding me? What am I doing this for?” And he said, “Congratulations.” He said, “You made a profit in your first year. That’s not normal. You didn’t have to spend money.”    And I realized that that framing is really important for people to know because otherwise you have this beautiful business that you invested in for a year and then you stopped all of the seeds you planted. When actually the fruit of your labors is going to happen in year two and three. That’s what happened for my business. Every business is different, but I think it’s important for you to get a realistic picture of what the long haul is. And that could be anything, it could be a business, it could be a relationship, it could be parenting, it could be leadership, it could be community development, right?    If you don’t know what it takes to achieve your goal and you can’t break it down into small phases, realistically. Then talk to someone who’s been down that road so that you can get a reality check of what it takes.    The next one, if you are going to plan for the long haul, how do you move forward? And that’s all about Consistency. Check out my podcast Consistency Commitment because I talked about the importance of, how do you capitalize on taking action in predictable chunks over time? And that’s exactly what happened with boxing.    I would do an intense workout on Saturday with my coach, about an hour and a half. And then on Wednesdays, I would do 2 x 7 minutes intensity strength building. I would probably go for a run once or twice throughout the week as well. So it was over time, I was able to keep my fitness. If I had not taken consistent action in my health with my strength building and cardio, and I’m not exaggerating, I would have literally vomited or spontaneously combusted at boxing, right?    We have to take consistent action, whatever the goal is, and it’s important to have more doable consistent action. A 20 minute run, a 2 x 7 minute workout, is then too ambitious. And here’s why. With boxing, I’m like super motivated. Let’s do this intense workout. We’re going to do 3 x 7 minutes. And we do the extra one. I can’t walk the next day. My muscles hurt, right? That did not work, too ambitious leads to inconsistency. So that’s the sort of sweet spot you want to reach with your own action. So check out episode: Consistency Commitment. I’ll have us put it in the show notes so you can check it out later. Okay, so that’s another green light.    The other one is very connected to mindset. When I was talking about how the Mind Junk comes in, what I would suggest you do, a Green Light is to write down the thoughts. I’ve shared this in other episodes. When I am up-leveling or when I’m being challenged in new ways, my mind junk will come in. And what I do is I go into my phone and I’ll put it, you can put it under a mind junk notes, or whatever, and you write it down. So that you can look at it and then, and then playfully laugh and be like, “Wow, really? That’s where your mind went. Amazing.” And you can then take the power from those thoughts and not have them be true. And just notice yourself having the thought. That will help you conserve your energy. Try it out. I always like to write it down and then I read it in a really whiny voice, like,  “Oh, no one’s gonna whatever.” I love to be playful and hear that whiny voice in my head. I have clients who talk about, “Mean girl.” I have other clients who call, we call it, “Amy G Dala,” like the amygdala yelling at you. “Amy G, what she has to say.” Just create some distance from it, it’s not the truth, it’s just mind garbage going through your head. Okay so those are some Green Lights for Fight Mode.   And of course when we take the boxing analogy, it’s so important to take first class care of yourself. If I on Friday night, went dancing and drank my face off with my friends and got two hours of sleep, do you think that would be able to box the next day? No. Not that, there’s anything wrong with going out and having fun with your friends and dancing, and having a few drinks. But it’s, if you are not taking care of yourself, big picture, you can’t show up, right? So what are the small things you can be doing to keep your energy that would be from your mindset? That would be from consistency. That would be keeping your eyes you know on your goal not looking at other people. It would also be those small things around making sure you’re hydrating, getting enough rest, watching alcohol, and coffee, etc.    So are you committed to first-class self-care? And that might just be setting a boundary. We know self-care isn’t bubble baths. It’s way bigger than that. It’s doing good things. But what can you do to take care of you? Because this is the long haul.    Okay. I was so excited before I started this podcast episode, I can tell this is the place that I usually live and I love Fight Mode. I love it. I love it. Not everybody loves it. But I love it with my clients because I know you can do it. I know, all we got to do is watch out for doable action. Look at your mind crap. Consistency. Keep your eye on your goal. I know you can get through this. I just had a client write me, and she said, “Oh, I just want to let you know there’s a client that came out of nowhere.” That when you do the work, she had done something like a podcast and got her message out, and magically someone found her and now she has a client and it wasn’t even hard. It just happened, there was no sales call, went straight into it and that is what I’m talking about. If you do the work consistently, the fight will pay off. And then you’ll start to feel the ease. I love this phase.    And here’s the last thing, if you are in Fight Mode and you’re working on your Stop Signs and your Green Lights, there’s things that you know you can do or you know what you should do next, but you’re struggling with taking what you know, to actually doing it. And the magic trick to that is really simple. It’s ability. Can you have someone like I did a coach by your side to say, “You know what, three more push-ups.” When you want to give up, they’re like, “Nope, give me two more or when you want to give up, they say, do one more. We take a water break and then you come back and do again,” right?    Do you have someone by your side whether it’s your BFF, another biz friend, a coach, a group of people that are in the same boat as you. That is scientifically proven to help you up level how you show up for yourself, right? When we have ability partners, it can impact the likelihood of us reaching our goal to as much as 95%. It’s like, when you go to a Zumba class and someone’s in the class with you, you actually Zumba harder than if you were by yourself in your living room.    All right. So there we have it. That is Fight Mode. I can’t wait to talk to you about Triumph in Transition, in the next episode. That is where you get to feel all the fruits of your labor. But guess what? Transformation isn’t tidy, and it’s not linear, without end, it is kind of a messy cycle, and you want to hang onto that Triumph in Transition as long as you can. So if you enjoy this series, then don’t miss out on our free challenge. We have a four week challenge, helping you work through your ambitious goals and understand where you are in transformation. So us inside the free community on Facebook, the IN TRANSIT Hub. I will deep dive into each phase even more and help you understand how you can shape your transformation, know better where you are.    And speaking of ability, I want to let you know we have been talking about my program Adapt and Succeed for the last few weeks. That is for people whose lives are IN TRANSIT and want more . If you are a do-it-yourself person, you can just grab the program and then guide yourself to help you reach those goals. You’ll be ed in Fight Mode.    But maybe you are a coach, psychologist or practitioner who actually wants to others more in their transition. And deep down, you need some help with your own business because you are a lover, not a fighter because you’re all about the ing of people side, but you’re not used to fighting from the business side or maybe the marketing or sales side, right? That is then totally for you, check out Global Coach Coalition. We open the doors and it is to help you, not only have amazing tools that help people in transition but also kick yourself into gear from the business side so that you can reach what only now feels like a possibility. So check it out. I would love to have you part of the Coalition. We really talk about best practices and helping people in their transformation and transition process, even if it gets tough. And we go hard on the business side plus it is not just a program, it is actually a community, and we’ve been together for going on four years.    So I would love to you as you up level how you people in transition and how you yourself in your professional transition. So let me know. This is the only time I’m going to offer it in 2023. There’s limited spots, we already have many pre qualified people that I’ve been on the phone with. So send in your application let’s have a talk and we’ll see if you want us by your side while you’re in Fight Mode. it’s me and two dozen other professionals who are united by our commitment to get really amazing strategies into the hands of people who are living globally mobile lives, and take care of yourself in your own business. So check it out. I’d love to meet you and have a conversation. And if that’s not your jam , us in the IN TRANSIT community and take part in the challenge. All right, you’ve been listening to IN TRANSIT with Sundae Bean. Thank you for listening. I’ll leave you with this last anonymous quote: “One isn’t necessarily born with courage but one is born with potential.”   Enjoy The Show? Don’t miss an episode, subscribe via iTunes or RSS. Please leave us a review in iTunes (or here for Android). The post 303: Fight Mode appeared first on Sundae Schneider-Bean, LLC..

What if I told you that some of the best things in your life haven’t even happened yet? Unpredictable, unplanned, heck, even unimaginable from your current perspective, these shifts will catapult you into the phase of transformation I’ve titled: Infinite Possibilities. And if this sounds exciting that’s because it is, however, this stage isn’t all rainbows and lollipops. I refer to it as “the freeze phase” for a reason. And that’s because people in the Infinite Possibilities stage frequently (and painfully!) bounce between “I can do anything” to “I suck, and this is never going to happen.” For the second part of our Bean Pod dedicated to the four phases of transformation, we’ll deep-dive into Infinite Possibilities. (Did you *recently* take the fun, FREE quiz to discover which phase of transformation you’re in? If not, consider doing it again because where you land is a rolling truth.) So this week, I’ll share some distinguishing characteristics to help you recognize that you’re currently inside the Infinite Possibilities transformation phase. Then, I’ll reveal a few stop signs and green lights to watch out for, and what to do when (not if) you encounter them.  What You’ll Learn in this Episode: Having to settle for Mr. Peanut Teetering on the cusp of something great Capturing “that” feeling before poison sets in Answering someone else’s questions Staying small & playing it safe Listen to the Full Episode: Featured on the Show: Sundae’s Website Sundae’s Facebook Business Page – Sundae Schneider-Bean LLC Sundae Bean – YouTube Adapt and Succeed IN TRANSIT Hub Global Coach Coalition Quiz: Which Phase of Transformation Are You In? Catch These Podcasts / Articles: EP301: The Crumble We’re delighted to be in the Top 5 of the global Best 30 Expat Podcasts! Subscribe: iTunes | Android Full Episode Transcript: Transcript It is 3 a.m. in New York 9 a.m. in Johannesburg and 3 p.m. in Bangkok. Welcome to IN TRANSIT with Sundae Bean. I’m an intercultural strategist transformation facilitator and solution-oriented coach. And I am on a mission to help you adapt and succeed through ANY life transition.    I often tell people that I’m glad I can’t plan out my life in detail because some of the best things that’ve ever happened to me were completely unplanned and really unpredictable. My life has transformed and continues to transform in ways that are well beyond anything that I could imagine. So you might say that the universe is just a little bit more creative than me.   So today, we are talking about exactly that, the things that we haven’t yet imagined or never think are possible can end up happening to you. And my life is a testament to that. And we are in the second pod of a four-part series where we’re stepping back and we’re looking into transformation and how it is showing up in your life and business. So if you follow my work you know that I see transition differently than most people, I truly believe that our lives are always in transition. Life is in constant transition and that transformation often falls into one of three categories:   Internal-led. Something coming from inside you out. External-led. Something has happened and it’s happening to you and it’s kicking off a transformation Performance-led. You have a big goal that you want to achieve.   Some of you are lucky enough to have all three going on at the same time.    So the thing is we want to look at where we’re putting our focus. It depends on what area of our life is capturing our attention, which area of our life is transforming in a way that is glorious, or it might feel out of control or scary. So I want you, in this episode to think about, what area of your life is most pressing for you? And I want to see if you know, which phase of transformation in that area of your life is in?    This is part of the entire series. Last week, we did The Crumble and this week we’re going to dive into the next phase, and if you don’t know or you want to get a kick start in understanding, which area of your life is most pressing to you and which phase of transformation you’re in, check out my short quiz, it’s playful and fast, it’s in the show notes. And then it will help you understand where you are. And if you took this, let’s say some months ago, or a year ago, take it again because you might not be in the same place you were before.    All right, so let’s get started. I want to have some fun today. Again check out episode 301: The Crumble because that is the first phase we talk about. And transformation, we talk about it in many ways, there are many thought leaders who look at transformation, and what I’m doing is I’m sharing with you the ways I’ve seen people go through transformation in my work. I’ve been with people for well over a decade and this is a beautiful up close lens at what I see people go through.    Okay, so let’s dive into the second phase and this episode and it is called Infinite Possibilities. Now in Switzerland, peanut butter is considered an American thing and when you go to the grocery store, they might not have it. And there is a store that I know does have it and you walk in and there are there only two choices, it’s creamy or chunky. And I think the name of the peanut butter is Mr. Peanut. So, that’s it. You go in choice one, choice two. And sometimes I sit in front of it and I’m like, “Creamy? Do I like it? My kids like chunky. What I’m in the mood for?” So I stand there for a second and I make my choice. I Googled peanut butter in Switzerland and there were two million results that came up, which I thought, “Okay. One option of a product we can have in the store. And we’ll make a decision.”    But in the U.S., if you Google it, there aren’t two million results that come up. There are 20 million. In fact, peanut butter is such a thing in the U.S. that there are over 3,000 people who are employed in the peanut butter production industry in 2023. So the U.S. takes her peanut butter very seriously. In fact, there’s a whole aisle of peanut butter And because I don’t live in the U.S., when I go back to the U.S, I go into the peanut butter aisle and there’s this initial like moment of delight where I’m like, “Oh look at all these options,” right? And then, do you know what happens? I freeze. I go into complete overwhelm. And that is what Infinite Possibilities feels like.   So if you resonate with this story with some other area of your life, you’re probably in Infinite Possibilities, right? You have this moment, let’s say it’s in your business, you just got your coaching certification and you’re working on your website and you’re like, “Anything is possible. I could work with my dream clients. I could make a lot of money. I could pay for business class when I fly like,” whatever. You’re excited, you’re totally open and you’re ready to create a flexible schedule and work around your hours. And it’s delightful and then overwhelm and self-doubt creep up. You ask yourself, “Is it possible? How will I do that? What will it take? Do I have what it takes?”  And this phase, while you’re probably happy you’ve moved on from the crumble, where you were feeling, maybe loss or confusion, you are plummeted by questions, including a really important one that emerges and that is, “What next?” And when we have infinite possibilities the answer to what’s next could be anything and we don’t have a guarantee, right? And that’s why Infinite Possibilities is both delightful and can be difficult. No wonder people freeze in this phase.    So if you have a moment, that’s where you think, “Hey, anything’s possible.” And then the next moment you’re like, “I suck. This is never going to happen.” Then you’re probably in Infinite Possibilities. I get it. So this is especially for people who are starting a new business, maybe have shifted their profession. Maybe you’ve moved to another country or you just started at a new organization or maybe you have just started a family. There’s this moment of your life in transition where we are at the cusp of something but you haven’t yet established results or a routine that match. One of a thousand dreams that are in your head, right?    And that’s normal. your life is IN TRANSIT and this is a natural phase of transformation and I’ve got your back. So as we did in episode 301, I’m going to share with you some signs on things that are Stop Signs, what you should stop in its tracks. And what you could do more of what are the Green Lights. Again, this is really complex. We’re going to go into this in more detail in the quiz. If you take it as well, there are some podcasts  I’ve recommended. And what I haven’t mentioned yet is we are doing a free challenge all of February 2023, deep diving into these phases of transformation and to help you understand your complex life. Whether it’s your professional life, your personal life, your community life, etc, etc.    Which area of transformation are you in for that area that is meaningful to you? And then, what do you do to nurture that phase so you make the most of it? What are you doing that’s sabotaging you? And what can you do to move forward?    So, if you haven’t signed up for that free challenge yet, do so because all kinds of goodness is going to happen. If for some reason you’re listening to this episode later and the challenge has past, make sure you’re part of my IN TRANSIT Hub community because we have all the materials inside there.    Okay. So, back to stop signs and green lights. Stop signs. If you were in Infinite Possibilities and you’re doing this, we need to pause and find out ways to work around it:    Stop sign one is if you are avoiding the hard questions. So if you’re in Infinite Possibilities and you are avoiding the hard questions, you need to knock it off. So these are the hard questions; What do I actually value? What do I really want? What are my ambitious goals?    Now, why would you avoid questions like this? These are important questions. Why? Because you’re afraid? What if you don’t like the answer, right? What if you value something that is absent in your life? What if you want something that feels really unattainable? What if you name your ambitious goal and you feel the self-doubt on whether you can actually achieve it? That is why people don’t even ask the question because then what they have to do is grapple with the answer. And I get that but the answers are exactly what you need to do to move forward in this phase and it brings up a whole host of other things. We’ll talk about that more as we go, but you need to face the answers. So a stop sign is to stop avoiding these luscious questions.    These are juicy questions that will bring you so much in your life. Name them right.    People do this as well because they want to play it safe. And another thing we need to stop doing is playing it safe. And this is how it happens with my clients. They are in Infinite Possibilities and then one of them, let’s say it’s about their business and then a friend says, “Hey, we should do this thing together. You can me with my idea and we’ll do it together.” And it’s tempting because they already have the vision. You have so many possibilities, you don’t know what to do. Well, they know what to do. So you go and them but now you’re ing them on their dream and their answers to what they value and what they really want.   So don’t play it safe by acting on the first opportunity that comes your way or the first idea that comes your way because usually, those ideas are just the safe ones where you play small.    So, watch out for those if those are happening in your life. If you’ve got it, no problem, right? It’s tempting, I get that, with this is the thing sitting in the discomfort is uncomfortable. So allow yourself to resist that because it’s worth sitting in that discomfort. And so if you are someone who actually works with individuals like expats or those who are in transition, you might catch people doing this. Your clients with thoughts like, “I’m just being foolish.” Or, “I don’t have what it takes to do this.” Or, “That will be too hard.” That is precisely why they need someone like you to catch them in their tracks on these limiting small thoughts.    So you ask yourself if you are in Infinite Possibilities or you’re ing people who are, what are some green lights or things that you can do here? Now, I’m going to chime in here with, I think it’s kind of an embarrassing analogy. Maybe a little bit too much information about like my former life, but work with me here. Okay, so green light.    This is many, many, many, many moons ago, you’re in college, you’re on the dance floor, you are feeling amazing. Maybe it is from the Vodka/Red Bull but the music is right. You’re dancing, you feel amazing you’re flirting with people and you need to go the bathroom. So you leave the dance floor and you walk into the bathroom and you see yourself in the mirror and you are an absolute mess like mascara running, hair ratty, sweaty. And how you felt on the dance floor is not represented in the mirror and it’s like this cold reality check, right? And now stay with me, I said it here because this is the thing. What happens in Infinite Possibilities, we have moments where we feel on fire like we do on the dance floor.    But instead of alcohol and dripping mascara, it is the negative cultural programming or unhealthy family patterns that are making you see yourself like crap. Let me say that again. One is just a chemical reaction in your body and sweat and mascara limits of reality. The other, when it happens in our infinite possibilities is we go from on fire and feeling alive to self-doubt. And those factors that are weighing us down are completely outside the bus because we’ve just gobbled up dogma from our culture about what’s possible. What’s not for your gender or your identity or your social class, or whatever, right? Or those messages we got as in family hood, maybe of a toxic relationship, or maybe your parent was a narcissist or maybe your family was really dismissive. Those things make you feel like crap.    All right, so what do we need to do because we can’t help it that those things pour in that. That takes years of work. And probably a really good therapist to undo all of that programming. So, what do we do in the meantime? We need to capture those moments like when you’re on the dance floor, if someone were to take a picture and see the joy in your face and capture the lights and the music. Capture that feeling. And so in your own life, when you have those moments of inspiration before the bullshit pulls in that drains you down:    Write them down.  Tell a friend. Write down the wildest ideas. The moments where you give yourself permission to believe in yourself.    And don’t yet analyze them or overanalyze them, just get them down. So you can notice which one makes you feel most alive, right? Because when that negative messaging pours in, you’ll need to go back to that. And I have other podcasts on this about how to up level when this happens to me. When I know I have my own lies, I tell myself, I discovered them in 2008, two of them are, “It’s going to take a long time and this is going to be difficult.” And I realize those are the thoughts I let pour in when I’m in that moment of infinite possibility.   And I work through them and I don’t let it stop me. I capture those moments. of inspiration and remind myself of what’s possible. And then when I work toward– and we’ll talk about that next in next episode, when I work toward the thing that I’m dreaming of, those thoughts, then go to the wayside. But guess what happens when we go to the next level? We want the next best thing that’s in our lives, and our hearts. But I’ll come back again.    So capture those thoughts when they’re there. And if you want to learn more about up leveling, go ahead and check out the podcast in the show notes.    Okay, so there we go. Infinite possibilities. If you’re there capture, tell a friend, this is another great strategy. Tell a friend in that moment of belief because they’re going to be there when you’re low and they’ll say, “Hey, wait a minute, that idea you had,” they believe in you, they know it’s possible and they can help keep you able. The key to this phase is to hold that discomfort. Hold the tension between believing in what is possible and acknowledging the limiting ways we think about things hold real constraints in society and in our world. And the possibility that you might find a way to overcome that. And giving yourself permission to hold that discomfort will keep you in this phase in the best possible way. To keep you in there and doing the work and not skip ahead to a phase that would just help you rebound backwards.    So another green light here is when you seek out . You don’t do this alone. Again, bringing a friend, tell them those dreams, tell them ideas on what you think is possible. Or, of course, work with a qualified coach or counselor to help you move forward on the journey, right?    So stay tuned for the next episode. I’ll talk about the next area of transformation, which is the Fight Mode. But for now I want you to think about what areas of your life are in infinite possibility? Is it your professional path? Is it how you want to engage with your family? Is that what you want to create in the community? Is it around some health goals that you have? Is it something around your relationship with something bigger than you? Something spiritual or religious? That is so fun to think about what’s possible, right?    Okay, so this is Infinite Possibilities. I love this phase. I love working with people in this phase. This is a phase that is so wonderful to hold someone’s hand and say, “Hey this is possible. Let’s just take step by step. And let’s look at really what is what helps light your fire.” If you again if you want to go deeper and you want to know more about this, don’t miss the challenge them offering inside the IN TRANSIT community in February because we’re going to go in deep dive and talk about how we can actually do the good work in this phase so that you get that growth and learning. And then we’ll move not necessarily faster in like pushed/forced, sort of way, but in of not staying stuck where you are.    Okay, so there you go. And as I mentioned in the last few weeks, we have an upgraded program of Adapt and Succeed, which is perfect for you if you are living your life IN TRANSIT and you want more , check it out. I’ve got Global Coach Coalition by my side. I deliver the content, the material, they help you get the one-to-one . So, check it out If you are looking for someone, we’ve got coaches psychologist, other practitioners who totally are defined by lives IN TRANSIT, geographically and personally, so let me know if you want to be paired with a member of the Global Coach Coalition and check out Adapt and Succeed.    I’m totally here for you. And if you are someone who wants to work with those IN TRANSIT, if you work with a globally mobile community, or you are on fire about ing people, when their life is in transition, don’t miss out on Global Coach Coalition. We open the doors and it is full of one part best practices on helping people adapt and succeed in transition. Even when it gets really tough, it is also one part business booster and 100% world-class community. So check it out. It’s all about up leveling. So if you’re in Infinite Possibilities in your business, and you’re wondering exactly who would I want to work with? How would I add value? How can I reach the next level of my business, this is really perfect timing for you. And it is, I’m quite certain, the only time I’m going to offer it in 2023, so if you’re thinking about it now is the time. This is the fourth year that I’ve offered it and every step of the way we’ve improved it. And this year includes the upgrades with the Adapt and Succeed program. So, I’m really excited to see who’s interested. If you want to talk and learn more about Global Coach Coalition, apply. It’s in the show notes and we can have a conversation.    I can’t wait to see who is in Infinite Possibilities. Let me know in an email reply to my newsletter. Check it out on social media and tell me if you were in Infinite Possibilities and don’t forget to us. Imagine what’s possible if you and I work together for four or five months and you’ve got these other amazing professionals by your side but proven strategies at your fingertips, to help those in transition to help people whose lives or businesses are IN TRANSIT. I think it could be amazing.  You’ve been listening to IN TRANSIT with Sundae Schneider-Bean. Thank you for listening. I’ll leave you with the wise words of Eckhart Tolle: “When you become comfortable with uncertainty, infinite possibilities open up in your life.”   Enjoy The Show? Don’t miss an episode, subscribe via iTunes or RSS. Please leave us a review in iTunes (or here for Android). The post 302: Infinite Possibilities appeared first on Sundae Schneider-Bean, LLC..

Who else has had enough of toxic positivity? Life is hard; the trauma going on in our world is hard; the stuff happening in your individual world is hard; being IN TRANSIT is hard; transformation is hard. No one gets a free . So then why do we insist on sanitizing our reaction to such absolute truths? Why do we consider ourselves an exception to the human experience? What if instead of pretending, avoiding, or misrepresenting our “crumble,” we shooed shame away and allowed ourselves space and grace to fully *feel* the hard. As the dust settles upon 2023, many of you have confided in me that you sense this will be a year of transformation for you. I get that feeling too. So let’s get back to basics with a four-part Bean Pod to help you understand and hack each of the four phases of transformation. This week, I’ll first provide a refresher on the three primary varieties of transformation: internal-led, external-led, and performance-led. (And YES, you might self-identify that you’re simultaneously experiencing two, or all three types!) Then, I’ll break down The Crumble phase. And if you recognize yourself in it, I’ll give you language to meet you where you are, and tips for how to get yourself on the other side. What You’ll Learn in this Episode: No square skipping When procrastination sabotages performance The version of “The Crumble” that’s tougher to detect Danger of premature transformation Accepting the loss of control Listen to the Full Episode: Featured on the Show: Need a little help to figure out which phase of transformation you’re in? I got just the trick! Take this fun,  FREE quiz right here, and find out lickety-split. Sundae’s Website Sundae’s Facebook Business Page – Sundae Schneider-Bean LLC Sundae Bean – YouTube Adapt and Succeed Amel Derragui IN TRANSIT Hub Global Coach Coalition Quiz: Which Phase of Transformation Are You In? Catch These Podcasts / Articles: EP265: New Name, Same Soul EP286: Upgrade Your Operating System EP266: The Constant Transition EP269: Rest vs Recovery Tandem Nomads EP266: The Journey To Brand Evolution And Transformation with Sundae Bean. EP217: Life In Limbo EP299: Transition Essentials With Natasha Nkonjera We’re delighted to be in the Top 5 of the global Best 30 Expat Podcasts! Subscribe: iTunes | Android Full Episode Transcript: Transcript Hello and welcome to another very special edition of IN TRANSIT with Sundae Bean. I am back in Switzerland. And this is our three hundred and first episode airing on the podcast’s 6 birthday.   Before we dive into this episode, I want to say “thank you” for being here. We’ve officially crossed the mark of 300 episodes. This is episode 301 and is the podcast’s sixth birthday. It is 4 a.m. in New York, 10 a.m. in Johannesburg, and 4 p.m. in Bangkok. Welcome to IN TRANSIT with Sundae Bean. I am an intercultural strategist, transformation facilitator, and solution-oriented coach, and I am on a mission to help you adapt & succeed through ANY life transition.   So me in celebrating this 6th birthday of the podcast. If you are an avid listener, you know that the last episode was our 300th episode. And we celebrated all week long. That celebration continues because it is our 6th birthday here at the podcast. And thank you to those of you who shared with us the podcast that made the difference for you. Our Rest and Recovery podcast has been a big hit as well as episode 286: Upgrading Your Operating System as well as all of the other episodes that were to do with transformation. So we are going to focus on that process in this episode today. And what better time than on the first anniversary of my brand evolution?    So as a side note if you want to get a behind-the-scenes view on the evolution of this podcast and my brand that is marked by this year, then you can check out episode 265: New Name, Same Soul, there’s a totally different view that it was a guest on Tandem Nomads podcast with Amel Derragui 266, she talks about the journey of mine on the brand evolution into transformation. So you get a sneak peek of what was happening behind the scenes with all of that. So, if you haven’t listened, go ahead and check it out.    So because we’re talking about transformation, we’re celebrating these moments of evolution and looking at where we started and where we are now. It’s only fitting that we focus on that for you today. We want to look at your own business and personal transformation, right? And I want to help you look at where you are in your own process, and how you can be showing up in your life or business depending on that exact moment of transformation that you find yourself in.    So today’s episode kicks off a four-part pod or series where we look at transformation. So if you are someone who’s asking yourself, “Well I kind of feel like I’m in some sort of transition and transformation, but I really don’t know where. But something feels like it’s off or it feels outside of my control,” this is exactly what you want to check out. Most of my listeners when we dive deep on this say that, “It’s almost creepy,” because they understand exactly how it fits into their life. They finally have words for what they’re experiencing. And the bonus part about this episode in this whole series is that if you are someone who works with people who are in transition like working with expats or the globally mobile or you want to this will help you get language around that process. You can also apply it to your own business. So I’m excited. I’ll share more about why that’s relevant too at the end of our episode today.   But first we’re going to look at some of the basics: Now number one, when we think about where we are in transformation, it’s important for us to think about our lives and how it’s in constant transition, right? I say more about that, in episode 266: The Constant Transition. But we really have to keep in mind that our transitions are rarely singular. They are most often layered. And that means at any given point of your life. You could be going through geographical location, maybe your family is evolving. Your body may be changing. Maybe some key relationships are forming or even dissolving. And I don’t know, maybe the economy is fluctuating, and there could be global politics and those dynamics are shifting.    Does this sound familiar? That our lives are constantly IN TRANSIT, right? And let’s start with that, that’s important for us to acknowledge Because it helps us give ourselves a little bit of grace for everything that we are navigating.    I had a client do this exercise that I do about ambitious transformation in transition at the end she said, “To be honest, Sundae, everything they’re listed was something I was aware of but until I saw how much I was dealing with at one time, was I able to actually give myself some grace for carrying that.” So I hope you can take inventory in your own life, how your life is constantly IN TRANSIT  and take note of how many layers.   So now in addition to that, that is the soup that we are swimming in that is constantly shifting and changing. At the same time, we are going through a transformation in our lives and it might be one of three types of transformations:   Internal-Led. That means you wake up one day and you’re like, “Um. No, no longer working for me.” Whatever that status quo is for you. But you wake up and you know something has to change, but you might not know what it is, right? That was a sign of an internal-led transformation.    Maybe the city you’re living in just feels like a jacket. That’s too tight. Maybe the job that you’re doing feels like a pair of shoes that no longer fit. Whatever that is that is an internal-led transformation.   Then, of course, we have the External-Led Transformations, meaning change happened and you have to adjust. I don’t know, maybe it is an energy crisis on the continent or maybe there was a break in your relationship that you did not see coming. No matter what it is, you are now put into a situation where you need to try to bounce back from a back slide or at least try to rebuild after things have shifted. That is a sign that your life is in an external-led transformation. Whether you like it or not, that’s happening.    Then, there’s a third kind of transformation and that is Performance-Led. And that is this desire you feel to achieve a really big goal and whatever that big goal means for you. Maybe it means doing less at work so you can do more with your art. Or maybe it means getting that promotion. Or maybe it means hitting that significant revenue mark in your business. Whatever it is, it’s what you’re dreaming about. You might even be planning or you might have that goal but you’re stuck in years of procrastination. Whatever that is, it’s a sign that there is a performance-led transformation going on in your life.    And the interesting thing about that is maybe one resonates with you, you’re like, “Oh, completely. My life is in the middle of an external-led transformation.” Or maybe you say, “Oh this is all internal and thankfully now I have a name for it.” Or you might be someone who says, “Actually, I feel like I’ve got all three going on at the same time.” At least now you’ve got language for that. And regardless of how you feel like you’re being driven in of transformation, you know you need a plan to get on the other side of that transformation. And you know that just getting organized or thinking positive or putting in the time, whatever that is is not enough, it’s not going to cut it. You need to do something differently to create a life that is overflowing with purpose and meaning and balance, right?    And that’s what I’m all about. That’s what I am here for. So I want us to spend the next four episodes talking about in what ways our lives are in transformation? Where are we in this journey? And I want to have a little fun while we do this along the way. So to get started, I want you to ask yourself; What phase of transformation am I in? And to help you out, I have a very short quiz. I think it’s literally seven super quick questions. And what I’ve heard from those who’ve done the quiz is that the results are creepishly accurate. Again, my people are saying, “Sundae, it’s like you are in my brain.” And they say that the I give after you do the quiz is far beyond what they expected. So go check it out. I’ll put it in the show notes. You go on my website, SundaeBean.com, and there’s a simple question at the bottom or the top that says, Which Phase of Transformation Are You In? Do the quiz, you’ll get results instantly. Or you can go to the show notes and get the quiz.   What we will do, in the next four episodes, is do something I’ve never done before. I will talk about these phases in the podcast, and we’re going to go deeper every step of the way. And today, we’re going to focus on the first phase. So I’m really excited about that. The whole reason about doing this is so that you can find yourself along this process of transformation. And why that’s important is there is a tendency for people wherever they are and their own process to try to do things that are outside of the scope of where they are in the phase.    It’s kind of like, let’s say you have a horrible breakup and you’re really uncomfortable and so you go out and you meet someone after this horrible breakup and you’re like, “Oh, this would be great to jump right into this relationship to sort of put the balm on my soul for the pain and peeling from the break-up.” Right? That’s what I call Square Skipping where you are trying to do the next thing but you haven’t done the work of the healing that you need for the break-up. And this is the same thing with transformation. We try to either stop it, which we can’t because sometimes it’s happening to us, right? Or we try to fast-forward it and skip the parts that are important. Just like, when a caterpillar goes into the cocoon to become the butterfly. If we try to cut the butterfly out of the chrysalis, the butterfly will die.   So my goal is to help you understand, where are you in your life and business in of your transformation? And what can you do to help yourself?    Okay, so the first phase, we’ll sneak peek, the first phase of transformation and you’ll find out in the quiz. If you are here, is what I call: The Crumble. Now, if you hear the words, “The Crumble,” you will know it that you’re in it because it will resonate with your life so hard. So, you are in the crumble, if you are in that phase of transformation where you are feeling lost, just not sure what’s going on, or that like your whole life is dissolving.    Now, that could be your personal life especially if you have an external transformation that feels totally outside of your control. Even more so if there’s an internal transformation where you are hearing things about what you want next that you never even knew you would want, right? And it is rocking your world, that is a crumble.    Now, if you are, let’s say a coach or a business owner, you might be in the crumble if you did not make a major shift in the last few years, based on what’s going on in our global economy. So maybe what was going on because of COVID and Russia invading Ukraine, and all of the other things going on in our world, maybe you froze in your business. And now you feel like you’re unsure whether your business will survive. Or maybe you don’t know what to do next because everything you’ve done in the past is not working anymore. That is the sign, then that you are likely in the crumble.   Now, we know, this doesn’t feel like a good phase, right? When things are crumbling, at least me, I like to have some semblance or Illusion of control. So this idea of my life disassembling is honestly terrifying and we want to gain control. But again, we have to do it in a way that matches the phase we are in. If anything, it’s just a false sense of control.   So if you are in the crumble, don’t worry, this is just another way that your life is IN TRANSIT and I’ve got your back. Okay, so there’s a couple things you can do, which I call: Stop Signs, and there are some things which you can start, which are: Green Lights.    So things that you can Stop:   Stop fighting your feelings. Stop being mad at yourself for feeling out of control. Stop being mad at yourself for feeling paralyzed in this situation. All right, it’s okay. If you’re in the crumble that is a sign you’re there and therefore is a natural reaction to that phase. A lot of people in this phase feel disoriented, they don’t know who they are anymore, they don’t know what they want to do with their business anymore. Something has crumbled, something has shifted. And the worst thing you can do is just play happy, right? Instead, you have to pause and go like, “Hey this is hard and I’m going to give myself some space for feeling the hard.”    And oftentimes people don’t make space for that. They actually push away the hard by overdoing and overworking. So if you are in the crumble, you’re trying to stop yourself from a breakdown, , in my podcast with Natasha Nkonjera, we said it was going to be, “Not break down but healing.” You’re trying to actually stop your healing process by not feeling your feelings. So here it’s about carving out space, whether it’s in a walk, whether it’s a meditation, or whether we’re talking about this with a friend, but to really acknowledge what’s hard. And give yourself some cozy safe space to sit there.    And if you are again a business owner and let’s say, you serve people who are in transition and you find yourself stuck in the crumble, I have seen this happen, you will shame yourself. “Oh, I should know better. I should do better.” Why would you be outside of the human experience, right? In fact, I welcome those phases as a business owner, as a human, because I know it’s going to be hard and that the tools that I have, I’ll either use and they’’ll move me forward. Or they won’t work anymore and I will have to dig deep and find better tools, right? So, if you are a practitioner and you serve people in transition, like the globally mobile, this is also an opportunity. But first, go back to stop fighting your feelings and give yourself some grace.   I’ve got some ideas in other podcasts, I can share with you about that, but you need to be really careful that you allow yourself the space to live in that limbo holding that space of the crumble. And you can check more about that in episode 217.    Okay The other thing that you might do is you might be listening to your mind. And it might be saying things like, “Oh, you’ll stay stuck here.” Or if you’re a business owner, you’re going to say, “Oh, I can’t do this. I’ll never make my dreams happen. I’m not good enough,” right? That is a time to notice those thoughts, give yourself some grace and say, “Oh, this is because I’m in the crumble and I’m noticing that’s what’s going on.” So what can you do? You stop resisting your feelings and you can start loving the crap out of yourself. Give yourself some grace and give yourself some permission to slow down.    Give yourself some permission to call what I say, “I just need to cocoon right now. I need to give myself some space to just process. the crap that I’m feeling and rejuvenate my energy.” Dial back just for a moment so that you can refuel and get ready for the next step. And I think that’s important. And if you’re a business owner, it feels hard to do that. But realize it’s a long-term investment for you and for your business.   What you can do if you want to move forward in the crumble, we can’t push ourselves out of this phase but what we can do is it in the right way using the right strategies so that we grow into the next phase. Like the caterpillar goes into the chrysalis, the same thing. You don’t push a caterpillar into a cocoon, they evolve into it. That’s that natural process. The same thing for you, you might want to consider, if you’re in the crumble, hey, get some help, get some , whether it’s a friend, or a coach, or fellow business owners. Surround yourself with people who are on your side and are going to help you during the crumble so that you can gain your strength and clarity and move forward. We have all kinds of shame around asking for help. Honest to God it is when the smartest strategies you can do with an excellent business strategy. Every single big jump in my business has come from hiring people who are two chapters ahead of me and having them by my side, as my confidante, as my advisor, and as my cheerleader. So, seek out . Make sure you don’t do it on your own.    Here’s a shout out for those business owners who are in the crumble. Now, at the top of this episode, I shared a reference to Tandem Nomads and Amel Derragui where I shared my brand evolution. And I don’t know if it comes out clearly in the episode but I was in the crumble. And feeling lost doesn’t mean you’re not productive. So there is a moment in my own business where I was running my business like a fast-moving train and serving my community with joy. And at the same time, there was something stirring inside where I knew it was an internal-led transformation, right? And that I needed to go in a slightly different direction but I hadn’t yet heard what direction that was. That was what would count as feeling, in the crumble, as lost. Not knowing where to go.    And I felt like you can be moving forward in the existing structure like your business and things are still running smoothly but there is a core in the inside that is crumbling. Which means the clarity and direction and the conviction of this is the direction you want to go. ”Hey, I wake up in the morning and I just don’t feel alignment like I used to. Something is changing.” and I see those my clients all the time. That these lives that are enviable, businesses that are enviable, and then there’s this little voice inside that says, “Listen the thing that you built, it’s time for that to crumble because something new is going to get built.”    And I wanted to share that with you because it is another version of the crumble that is harder to detect but as important. If not more important to listen to because a sort of explosive crumble of a breakdown, everybody knows we’ve to pay attention to it, but something quiet inside that is shifting is subtle. It’s like a whisper at the start and will get stronger. And if you can catch it early you can get playful with it and say, “Huh? What is that? What is changing? Isn’t it curious that I feel that way? What if I carve out more time to find out what else is being said?” So I wanted to highlight that because it’s an important part of the crumble that most people don’t talk about.   Hey, just wanted to pop in here and let you know about something super special and time sensitive. If you were listening to this live every 2023, I am going to offer a challenge and it is the only challenge I have planned in Q1. So you want to make sure that you don’t miss it. And for those of you who are listening to this episode later, don’t worry, you can check it out in my free, Facebook Community, the IN TRANSIT Hub. So, here is what I’m doing in this it’s been a while since I’ve been able to really love the crap out of my community inside, the IN TRANSIT Hub.    And this is what I’m going to do. We’re looking at the phases of transformation that we find ourselves in. And as you know there might be one area of our life that is smooth sailing and other parts that are in the crumble. So what we’re going to do is we’re going to spend four weeks and I’m going to look at the four phases of transformation and you’ll be able to identify which each phase of your life is in that stage, what area of your life needs attention. And then, how do we work together to bring it one step forward? Now, this is for you for yourself or your own life but it could also be if you work with clients to help them, no matter where they are, if they’re feeling the crumble, or if they’re alive with infinite possibilities, how do we go forward? And if we’re in fight mode which you’ll find out about more in the next episode, what to do now?   So we Can’t always be in control of transformation whether its internal-led, external-led, or performance-led, but we can shape it. And the best way to do that is together, right? So us in the challenge where we can look together at this stage that you or your clients are in and we can move forward in that process. Find out where you get stuck and what you want to do right now. And I’m doing something I’ve never done before. I’m really excited. There are a few bonuses as usual, in my group challenges, you have a chance to get free individualized coaching for me during the live group calls. So if you want to work with me, this is a great way to test it out or to just get value absolutely free.    We’re also going to share things I’ve never shared before. Never before Insight on the four phases of transformation, so check that out. We’re going deeper than we ever have before. And my most exciting thing is, you will get personalized attention from me via email. So make sure when you’re part of the challenge, check out the quiz, Which Phase of Transformation Are You In? And I will personally answer each and every email. All right, check it out.   Okay. So that is a crumble. I’m curious to hear from you. Does it resonate? If you’re not in the crumble right now, you’ll probably still recognize it because if you are human, you’ve been here, right? Whether it’s in your personal life or your professional life, that’s the crumble. And I want to remind you. It’s okay. Just be in the crumble right now. All we got to do is stop fighting our feelings, create a space where you can feel ed, and stop believing your mind crap about, “I’m not good enough,” or whatever version of that is in your own. Say, “Hey, I’m noticing these really really negative thoughts, just because I’m in the crumble. I’m going to move forward this.” And make sure that you get .    Okay, so that’s the first phase of transformation. You will be able to find out the next three phases in episodes.   Again, the whole reason of knowing what phase of transformation we are in is to make sure we’re not skipping phases and we’re not using a strategy that’s for a completely different phase. Because that means it will keep us stuck in that area longer.    All right, so there you have it, it’s the crumble. If you’re not feeling the crumble right now, you can definitely think about times where you were in the crumble before. Whether it’s personally or in your business and ask yourself, “did I use strategies then? What would have happened had I used them more often when I was in the crumble?” Stay tuned for our next episode. We’re going to talk about the next phase of transformation called: Infinite Possibility. Sounds much better than the crumble but it comes with its own challenges. So we’ll have to make sure that we check in on that the next time.    But now I wanted to tell you about the news that I wanted to bring them so excited about. Even beyond the six years of, in podcast of the IN TRANSIT podcast. Even more than celebrating our first year of the brand evolution, is this. Now, if you’ve been paying attention to what we’re doing over here at SundaeBean.com, there have been a lot of new fresh things coming out and one of them is our upgraded program, Adapt and Succeed. It is perfect for those who are living lives that are IN TRANSIT. So if you are feeling like your life is super layered with transition, maybe you are missing people that are far away, maybe you’re feeling disconnected from someone who lives right in the same house. Maybe you’re going through a job transformation, a cultural transformation, or maybe you’re feeling overwhelmed by how many things you have to do professionally and personally. Any sort of transition layers that are piling up on you then you might want to check out Adapt and Succeed. because we have the perfect menu for you to pick what you need right when you need it.    And again, all of this is, “Do it yourself.” And we’ve got a guide that you can use, it’s really, really effective if you do self-coaching. But if you’re a person who needs someone by your side to help you go deeper, that’s what we have the Global Coach Coalition for. They are qualified coaches, psychologists, and practitioners, who’ve gone through deep personal and professional training, who are licensed to work with you in Adapt and Succeed and help you in your transition.    So check it out if that resonates. But here’s the thing that I wanted to tell you some of you are actually already coaches, practitioners, or psychologists and you would love to be able to people in this way and have these tools at your fingertips. I am just opening the doors for the Global Coach Coalition again this year and likely one time only in 2023. So, if you are interested in serving people with exactly these kinds of tools, then check it out. The bonus part about being part of the Global Coach Coalition community is that we spend half of our time on really honing the tools and best practices to serve those who want to adapt and succeed in any life transition, even when it gets really tough. But we also spend the other part of our time completely focused on you up-leveling in your business. You’re working on that performance-led transformation. How do you want to grow in your business and who do you want to serve? That is how we also spend our time and in a gorgeous community of people who get you.    So if you are feeling like you’re in the crumble with your business and you want to have a new orientation and would love to have these tools at hand and cheerleaders by your side, as you kick start your business, check it out.  If you are someone who has an established business but wants to go further and up-level, this is also perfect for you. So check it out. The doors are now o   Enjoy The Show? Don’t miss an episode, subscribe via iTunes or RSS. Please leave us a review in iTunes (or here for Android). The post 301: The Crumble appeared first on Sundae Schneider-Bean, LLC..

Last year’s Sex & Connection two-part series with Irene Fehr broke the internet. Ok, not in a Taylor-Swift-tickets-go-on-sale way but calibrated against my podcast stats. (And IN TRANSIT ranks top 5% globally, so it’s no slouch. Have I thanked you for listening yet? Keep reading because I will.) It’s no wonder the Sex & Connection duo were some of the most ed episodes of the past 100. A hot topic with taboo remnants, the series overflowed with superb expert advice for improved intimacy in long-term relationships. Now, what you don’t realize was the discomfort I had to overcome to spotlight such subject matter on the show. Sex was something that didn’t get talked about during my conservative upbringing. So to go from that background to discussing it openly with the world forced me to stretch. We’re continuing our Reflections Bean Pod by celebrating the podcast’s 300th episode and its sixth birthday. And with 2023 fresh as a daisy, I can now spy with my little eye my 10th business anniversary on the horizon, making this a perfect time to look back and ahead. I’ll reveal some never-before-shared insights from my personal and professional journeys and give you a glimpse into what’s next. Thank you for being here. I have so much to be grateful for, and I’m convinced it’s all because of you. What You’ll Learn in this Episode: Side effects of strolling around New York City Friendships that resemble flowers in a garden Sitting on a newly gained treasure chest of wisdom Why reverse ageism doesn’t exist You learn how to do it by doing Listen to the Full Episode: Featured on the Show: Transformation, of any size, takes courage. You bring the ambition, and I’ll bring the . Reintroducing Adapt & Succeed. Revamped and ready to get you through any life transition. Sundae’s Website Sundae’s Facebook Business Page – Sundae Schneider-Bean LLC Sundae Bean – YouTube Adapt and Succeed Wisdom Fusion: Ageism and Womanhood Collide Highlight Reel Trudi LeBron Amel Derragui Naomi Hattaway Ashton Applewhite: This Chair Rocks Wisdom Fusion 35 Best Expat Podcasts IN TRANSIT Hub Global Coach Coalition Catch These Podcasts / Articles: EP123:Change Shame EP03: Celebrate You First Four Episodes EP100: Behind The Scenes – 100 Episodes of Expat Happy Hour EP200: Consistency Commitment EP226: The Space Women Crave EP287: Dismantling Ageism with Ashton Applewhite EP288: The Intergenerational Garden with Rabbi Hayim Herring EP289: Aging and Positive Psychology with Natasha Ginnivan EP281: Sex & Connection – Pt 1 with Irene Fehr EP282: Sex & Connection – Pt 2 with Irene Fehr EP226: The Space Women Crave EP266: The Constant Transition EP293: Responsible Leadership with Trudi LeBron EP297: Legacy by Design with Naomi Hattaway EP218: From Stuck to Sorted in 22 Minutes EP269: Rest vs Recovery EP278 called The Biology of Business Tap Into Intergenerational Wisdom At Work We’re delighted to be in the Top 5 of the global Best 30 Expat Podcasts! Subscribe: iTunes | Android Full Episode Transcript: Transcript Hello, it is and welcome to a very special episode of IN TRANSIT with Sundae Bean, we are recording from New York City in honor of our 300th episode and marking the sixth year of the podcast. It is 1 p.m in New York, 8 p.m in Johannesburg, and 1 a.m in Bangkok. Welcome to IN TRANSIT with Sundae Bean. I am an intercultural strategist, transformation facilitator, and solution-oriented coach, and I am on a mission to help you adapt & succeed through ANY life transition.   Thank you from the bottom of my heart for ing me in celebrating this 300th episode. Today is a huge milestone in my life and in the life of this podcast and of course, for my business and I hope as a community. And this is why I’m even more excited that I am recording this live from New York City because as I’ll tell you in a moment, New York holds a special significance to the podcast. And just a warning, I flew in last night, I’m a little bit jet-lagged and my heart is wide open so I hope not to get too mushy in this episode but you’ve been fairly warned.    I am humbled that you are still with me, 300 episodes in. It’s been an incredible journey and to celebrate that I wanted to give you a sneak peek on how it all got started. And then highlight the last most recent 100 episodes in three ways:   First, a sneak peek into some of the personal evolution that was going on in my own world. How that impacted how you saw that come through in the podcast.    Then also from a business perspective, what seeps through.    And then of course, I want to talk about the impact on my clients and my listeners. Which episodes sort of hint to that.   And then maybe a little bit about what’s next.    So here we go. I’ve been thinking about this all morning. This morning, I woke up, I got a great night’s sleep, considering the fact that I’m on a six hour time difference and I walked around the city. I saw Rockefeller Center, I saw Times Square. I went to Central Park, I went to Grand Central Station and it just lifted my spirits. I’ve made a few special episodes around the city or a few videos for you around the city to sort of honor and celebrate this event. So if you haven’t seen them on social media, do check them out because New York is a little bit of a birthplace of the podcast and I’ll tell you a little bit about how that came.    Now in 2016, I was working with a media team, a media agent to help get my message out there more. I’m all about impact and we were looking at ways that I can create more impact for those that I want to serve the most. And one of the things that we did is we distilled the years and years, and years of learning. And strategies have been coming up in my coaching for my community into a program called Adapt and Succeed. And that’s how we got to get to know each other and work together. And I came to New York City. I recorded the podcast, and we had a wonderful time together.    He was very, very direct with me. And when I got back, he said, “Listen Sundae. I know, you’re ambitious, I know that you want to make an impact, but if you want to make an impact, you have to stop blogging. ”He goes, “I’ve seen you. I’ve met you. People need to experience you.” He said, “You need to stop blogging and start a podcast. If you want to make an impact, that’s how you’re going to do it.”    So here I am, I don’t even listen to podcasts. I hate the sound of my voice and he’s telling me I should start a podcast, right? So he convinced me because I am super committed to this idea of making an impact. I knew I would be able to reach more people if I did that. And for me, this is so personal, your journey is personal. My journey is personal and writing, while a really effective medium, isn’t always the best way to convey that.    So, in around November, December 2016, I recorded the first episodes of the podcast. And at that time, it was called Expat Happy Hour. And we released them January 30th, 2017. So if you haven’t checked them out, do not check them out, they’re awful. I mean, they’re good content, but what I listen to the quality of my recordings, I listen to what I was doing then. Oh my God, I was such a beginner. But, you know what? I sucked at it. I did, but I’m proud of myself because I learned how to do it by doing it. I didn’t wait until I was good to start. I started and I grew. And this is what I teach my clients all the time, right? So when I look back at episodes 1, 2, 3 4 probably very early, the first couple dozen there’s like “Change Shame” where I have a podcast episode on this, will have to link it for you.   But where I have a little bit of shame around how much I’ve changed. I’m proud of how I’ve developed but I’m shamey around where I used to be. And I’m grateful those episodes are still alive because I can honor my growth. And I did this challenge inside my free community, the IN TRANSIT Hub. And I shared one of the old episodes. I think, like, episode 3 about celebrating, and it’s still really relevant content wise and one of the of my community said she noticed a dramatic difference from those early episodes to my new episodes.    And she said, not as a criticism of how bad. The first episode was, it was a compliment of the growth. And so I’m keeping it out there, honestly, God, my stomach turns when I think about it. But if you’ve been here since 2017, thank you for sticking with me. And if you want to celebrate the journey of building competence, just listen to the earlier episodes and then listen to the ones now. Like, that’s what growth is, it doesn’t happen by itself. You don’t achieve mastery by hiding, you put your skin in the game and you go for it. Anyway, that’s a little rant, but it’s relevant to the journey.    So back in January. 2017. We had four episodes that went live so that when people were interested, they could listen to more than one. We had some amazing guests early on in the show, and I thank them for their before I even had an audience. And then I just went for it. Every week, putting out episodes, and here we are 300 episodes later. I had no idea then that I would be recognized on lists, “Top XYZ podcast.” That I was able to look at the tracking and find out that my podcast was consistently in the top 5% globally. Like, what the heck? So this is only happening because of you. And thank you for your trust in my messages, in my guests, in my ideas, and everything I do is centered on what I’m learning in my life and my community, and with my clients.   So, thank you for being part of that. Today as I said, I’m going to focus on three things, my personal evolution in the last hundred episodes what’s been going on and how that is trickled through into the episodes. Then we’ll focus on a bit about my business and then talk about some of the clients impacts that hopefully can help you as well. If you haven’t heard those episodes.    So the last hundred episodes, I’ve done a reflection, in episode 100, I had some amazing friends and clients celebrate with me and they made this gorgeous video. I will have to dig that up again, and they celebrated 100 episodes. 200 episodes in, I talked about the Consistency Commitment, about being consistent. We had 200 episodes week-after-week without a break and had lots of challenges in the meantime and why that’s important for your business.    And now in this one, 300, I think it’s important to highlight how we bring our own Ambitious Transformation, our own life in Transition, how that becomes transparent in everything that we do, and how it can enrich everything that we do. But it is a process of having to be courageous to make it happen.    So, what probably you saw happening before it became official is I was already going through a personal transformation and a business transformation. But my branding and the naming and everything hadn’t happened yet.    This was back in May 2021, I did an episode 226 called The Space Women Crave and this was so vulnerable for me. It felt almost like I don’t want to appropriate the term “coming out,” but it felt like this revealing of something inside on the outside. And it was very close to my heart. I felt it very deeply and I hadn’t yet shared it with the world. And The Space Women Crave ended up being my battle cry for what would be Wisdom Fusion and intergenerational learning.    So here is something that I was going through personally and was inspired by a series of conversations with women that I care about and created a manifesto. Here’s a little sample:    I BELIEVE.   I believe that each woman has wisdom inside of her that is hard-earned, wisdom and experience that is underestimated, at best, undervalued at worst.    I believe that this wisdom may be buried under layers of shame, humility or self-doubt, and thus has not yet seen the light of day nor reached the capacity to fully touch other women’s lives.   I believe that each woman has hard-earned life experience, and if shared, the resulting wisdom from this collected insight could benefit another woman to overcome similar challenges.   I believe that keeping women separate from one another is keeping her away from an important part of herself.    I believe that there is commonality in our struggles and that there is value in sharing how those who have gone before us have faced them.    I believe that there are stark differences in our experiences and by sharing them we gain a more complex picture of ourselves and the myriad of ways one can be a woman.    I believe that when women come together in trust, humility and mutual respect that deep and meaningful collective wisdom can emerge.    So there you go, me baring my soul on what I believe. And as I said this became a battle cry or an invitation to explore intergenerational wisdom. It resulted in a community of women aged 20 to 70, plus. We spent eight weeks together having deep conversations, learning, and connecting. And there’s still so much more than I realized I haven’t shared about this experience. And when I was preparing for this episode, I realized I’m basically sitting on a treasure chest of wisdom that I gained during that special year together. We started out eight weeks and then we can continued to connect over the year and are still connected. And it made me think: maybe that’s something I should do in 2023? I will share that more with you but it has been powerful.    If you haven’t read the entire manifesto check out the Wisdom Fusion link.   It also led to an article being published in Forbes on the topic and lifetime friendships. It also was the springboard for me to get connected to other topics, which I’ll share more about with you, and then learn and get to know experts in the field. So from something that was so deeply personal And I took that space in my heart and in my business and I’m grateful for that.    So what led to that is beyond all the things I’ve mentioned before was a much deeper awareness around, not only the reason why intergenerational learning is so important for all of us but also a greater awareness of the importance of battling ageism. So I was able to get to know a group of experts who are making massive contributions in the field, in of intergenerational learning, dismantling ageism, focusing on more positive psychology around ageism to extend our life. And that is all because of my own personal journey and I was able to share that with you. And I’m so excited to share their wisdom, the guests that ed me with you as well.    So just briefly if you haven’t checked out those episodes, please go back to episode 287 Dismantling Ageism with Ashton Applewhite. She is a UN award-winning author of the book: This Chair Rocks. She has many, many other accolades to her name and her expertise is really top class. Here’s a little bit of what she had to say about ageism.    Sundae: You talk about how ageism casts a shadow over our entire lives. Can you say more about the scope of that?   Ashton: Ageism is any judgment on the basis of age. Anytime we make an assessment of what we think someone is capable of because of how old we think they are. Sometimes it’s called reverse ageism when it’s directed against young people, but it’s just ageism. We don’t need that extra label.  And that is why it casts a shadow across our entire lives. Although we live in a youth-obsessed culture in the west we are youth is commodified. So I will say that older people bear the brunt of it.   Ashton was so amazing. She and I were able to connect later and we did a special feature inside my community, the IN TRANSIT Hub on The Intersections of Ageism and Sexism. So if you haven’t checked that out, then us in the IN TRANSIT community Hub, and will make sure that you have access to that.    In episode 288, The Intergenerational Garden with Rabbi Hayim Herring, we did so much laughing and heart-to-heart talking about the importance of intergenerational learning. And what we can do to nurture our friendships and nurture intergenerational connection and why it is so important. So here’s a little bit from that interview:   Hayim Herring: But some friends of mine, good friends are gardeners. One day a friend of mine was talking about his perennials and describing how it’s the same root system, but every year, the flowers die off, they form seeds for the next iteration, they’re nourished from the same root system. But they look different, but you could also see similarities. And I was stopped in my tracks. I thought, “Wow, that is the human task,” right? It’s really to relinquish that which has restrained us. To retain that which is still helpful. And then, to make sure that we’re planting seeds for renewal that still has some continuity with the past. It doesn’t matter what age you are, you may not have the awareness depending upon your human development stage, that that’s what you’re a part of. But that’s something that I think by making – by articulating explicitly we can be reminded, “Oh, we each have a role in this. We have a stake in one another’s success.”    I was delighted to have Natasha Ginnivan us in episode 289: Aging and Positive Psychology. She helped me really see the importance from a social scientific perspective, why we need to pay attention to our language when it comes around aging. Have a listen:   Sundae: So do you see patterns in attitudes to aging and how people are treated?    Natasha: Yes. I have to say that, unfortunately, ageism and things like elder abuse can occur in collectivist cultures and it’s known from a recent report from the World Health Organization that one in two people have moderate to high ageist attitudes. However, I think that when you have cultures where individuals are sort of raised to be mindful of keeping group harmony with this idea that they probably should show some respect to their elders. I think that informs your thinking as you go up that not only is that a great thing to keep group harmony within the family structures but it’s also for your own sort of psyche around aging and your own future self, you’ll feel better.   Because we know from the research that Professor Becca Levy, and many others in that space do, that as we transition through aging as we get older, if we haven’t had more of these more positive attitudes around aging, when we were younger, our own negative attitudes can actually turn on us as we get older. And that’s one of the things that we sort of are recognizing, now, more and more with the research.   I think what I appreciated most about this series is that by looking at the lens of ageism, we were also able to see how that bias and stereotyping actually are compounded by all the other ways that we stereotype and have bias against people. So if we enter through the access or the lens of ageism, we’re actually able to see the implications of other forms of discrimination even more clearly. So it helps, as if we don’t need more sense of urgency, but it helps see with even greater clarity on the sense of urgency that we have to break down some of the biases that we have. And the structures that are in place that actually harm all of us and harm some of us way more than others. And it’s through that lens of ageism that we can begin to have that conversation.    Okay, so far, I’ve talked about my personal journey, looking at this lens of intergenerational wisdom and ageism, but there’s one topic that was, how should I say this equally, uncomfortable or uncomfortable in a very different way for me. And that happened in episodes 281 and 282. Now, growing up as a kid in the midwest, from a Lutheran family, we talked about the “S word,” And the“S word” is sex.    Honestly, it was kind of a taboo topic in my family and that obviously impacted me growing up in the way in which I felt comfortable talking about sex with my friends and publicly. Even when I say this now, I’m like, “What are you doing, Sundae? Why are you talking to people about this subject?” So I notice the restriction I have grown up with culturally, this taboo I’ve grown up culturally around the topic. So when I invited Irene Fehr onto the podcast to talk about Sex and Connection, it was a huge personal stretch for me and at the same time, it was really liberating. So Irene and I spent two episodes talking about the intersection between Sex and Connection. Here is a listen:   Sundae: So it kind of sounds like you’re talking about connection and vulnerability is a way to go beyond our primal physical needs.    Irene: Absolutely. Absolutely.    Sundae: That like, “I physically haven’t had sex in x amount of time. Now, my body wants to have sex,” versus, “We haven’t had sex in a while, and we need to infuse vulnerability and connection to almost create desire before that physical level is met.” If that makes sense.    Irene: Absolutely. You put it beautifully. It’s the difference between, “I,” and the biological urges and, “We,” as in sex as the connective element in a couple.   And so in friction sex, it’s all based on “I” and “me” and my urges and my desire for my partner. And the “we” part is part of actually the third type of sex which is Connection Sex, which is really the one that’s sustainable and that gets created over time.    And so this is why friction sex and then the next type of sex that I’m about to share, they naturally die out. They naturally have a shelf life that doesn’t make them sustainable.    So episode 281 wasn’t enough, there was too much to talk about. So I invited her back to episode 282, where we talked even more about the connection between emotion, sex and connection. Here’s what she had to say:    Irene: And without that emotional connection that’s going to allow both people to really tune into each other and create something new, like something new that really fits the moment, that physical pleasure is going to go away, or it’s going to be really minimal.    Sundae: Create something new to fit the moment. Create something new to fit the moment. That’s really beautiful. You specialize in long-term relationships. So I’m thinking, that’s a lot to ask for.  Create something new to fit the moment, when you’ve been together for 25 years, 30 years. What is it that people need to keep that spirit?    Irene: Well, the first and really biggest thing is to let go of this idea that, you know your partner because you don’t. This old idea that once we do something sexually, that is how we are is really damaging and it’s very limiting to our human potential. Who we were sexually 16 is not who we are at 46 and 66 and 86.    Now, these episodes are among some of my most listened to episodes, and I am because of that, so proud of myself for getting over myself, pushing myself to have this conversation so that you can have this conversation. Either with yourself or with your intimate partner or with your friends, whatever it is to not have it as a taboo. To be able to have this conversation because it impacts our emotional health, it impacts our relationships, it impacts our physical health, right?   So, this is an example of some of the ways I pushed myself in the last 100 episodes so that I could impact you. All right, obviously, this is just a taste of my own personal evolution that happened in the last 100 episodes, but you can see it filtering through the episodes. And they also came through my business.    So here’s a little sneak peek as promised into my Business Evolution. Now, if you have been following my community and my business closely, you might have noticed that at the start of 2022, I did what’s called a Brand Evolution or at least what I’m calling a Brand Evolution. By the way, 2022 feels like, I don’t know, a thousand years ago.    But what happened was, what we were seeing in the original episode of The Space Women Crave I talked about intergenerational learning, we started to see how what I wanted to talk about, and what I really believed in what I was hungry to discuss and bring into the world wasn’t always connected to expat topics. It was connected always to expats because we’re humans and because we’re in transition, right? But I was more interested in the juicy parts of life, rather than the one layer of the multiple layers of our identities. Or one layer of our lived experience. I was no longer comfortable with centering the global mobility aspect of our identity. And at the same time, I always wanted to center what was core to that identity and that was transition. So, you started to see that happen back with that episode, where I wanted more space to talk about juicier things. And then, I was able to do the business evolution to bring my brand and naming in alignment with that to give me more space to talk to you about more.    So I was able to take what I was already talking to my clients about, our lives IN TRANSIT. Our ambitious goals. How our lives are always in transformation, whether it’s internally-led or externally-led, or performance-led. That was always happening in my business with my clients. I just hadn’t made it transparent to you yet, to everyone yet, right? And I did this episode where I gave kind of an inside scoop on that process in an interview with Amel Derragui from Tandem Nomads. So I’ll put that in the show notes if you’re interested to get a behind-the-scenes view.    So what was going on for me in the beginning of 2022 was sharing with you my own ambitious transformation, and life and business in transition. And then helping you see how that was happening in your own life. So part of that was happening at the beginning of the year, you noticed my branding change. Some of the namings were changing. The podcast name changed. And it felt so right to do so. Even though I have to be honest, I was scared to do so. I didn’t want to lose you. I didn’t want to disappoint you. I didn’t want to make you mad by changing something that you were attached to. And I realized it was actually the opposite that people appreciated it and they felt more space for themselves as well and even more seen.    So anyway, thank you again for being so kind and generous in that transition for myself and my business. So in episode 266, we talked about The Constant Transition and here is where I’m different from other transition specialists. Most of the time when you hear literature in the global mobility space, they talk about transition and there is a beginning, a middle, and an end. And what I really want to say is, I call bullshit on that. Sorry, that’s my really frank way of saying that. That is not how that works. I wish it were that tidy. Transitions are messier than that. Our lives are not linear. Our emotions are not linear. We have too many layers of our lives and their identity in the complexity of things that we are managing for it to be a plus b equals c. And so I took a stand in that and that’s where we talk about transition, the constant transition. And now when I introduce this framework to my clients, they’re able to give themselves more grace for how they feel in their own transition and their own ambitious transformation. Because they are able to see the complexity, to see the multi-layers that are happening.    So if you haven’t heard the full episode, go to it 266, The Constant Transition. And here is a little taste:   The only constant is change. We know that, but do we accept it in our whole hearts and bodies? Are you radically committed to living your life IN TRANSIT with purpose and meaning? Living our lives IN TRANSIT with purpose and meaning is dropping that filter and looking at it and saying, “Okay. Now what? Where’s my agency? What can I do?” It’s recognizing that transitions are happening, always. And it feels like they’re coming from within us or happening to us. Right? And sometimes these changes are welcome and sometimes they’re dreaded, I hear that and it’s hard. Sometimes our lives are in transition because we self-initiated it. And sometimes it’s imposed by others. And you can feel powerless. Sometimes it feels right and other times, it might be met with resistance from yourself or from your loved ones or your community .    That is what I’m talking about in this living IN TRANSIT. How do we live IN TRANSIT and both hold on to our agency and personal power and recognize the power these personal, familial, health, community, and global transitions have on us, all the same time?   As you can see, the episode is all about really tapping into your own personal power, when you feel like everything else is changing. Go ahead and check out the other episodes that were in that series because we talked about defining ambitious on your own and three levels of transformation that are happening to you. Whether it’s internally-led or externally-led, or performance-led. Sometimes it’s all three at the same time. So check that out. If you haven’t read it or listened to it, we have transcripts available. We have the audio and we have now video since August 2022. So check it out.    Now, as I said my own life and business has been IN TRANSIT since 2016, right? And one of the things and one of the ways in which it has been in transformation, is that I have increasingly amplified my commitment in  showing up more responsibly as a business owner. And in doing my own work, as it relates to social justice. And I say it forefront, fallibly, imperfectly, and consistently but continuing to commit and recommit to the work. And Trudi LeBron has been such a powerful mentor to me on that front along with a host of another– a whole list of other amazing thought leaders in the field. But she has been someone who’s been by my side and she articulates something in this episode, which I’ll listen to, that I originally learned also from Naomi Hattaway when she came on the podcast and we talked about Linking Arms. About, how can we be more intentional in the spaces we create.    And because of that, that impacted what I talked about before with my community of Wisdom Fusion, it impacts how I do my work now. In fact, what it’s done, It has slowed things down on some levels to create depth and richness so that later we can work together more adeptly.    So you’ll hear an episode, 293: Responsible Leadership with Trudi LeBron, a little bit more about that intentionality and why that matters?    Trudi: And that is the case I think across the board. When you start to think about building a company, a business, an institution, whatever size, even a non-profit,  really anything that gathers people. When you start thinking about how people will engage in the space and what you’re going to need to provide so that they have equitable access that they can fully participate, it makes the experience better for everyone because everyone now can be contributing at a capacity that they wouldn’t be able to contribute if you had these like inequities. And I think that that’s you know, when we look at any of the data around companies that are diverse that have better outcomes and better problem solving with it. There’s all this research around the benefits of it. What is true is that you get that – you only get those kinds of benefits when the environment isn’t just diverse but that is equitable, right? It’s not just that people showed up. It’s that people are contributing. And so if you don’t have an environment or if you only have an environment where people get to show up, but they can’t contribute you don’t get any of the benefits of having that diverse equitable space.    So you can see in that episode, we talked about the intentions, and how having clear intentions to create that space actually leads to more equitable treatment and results, right? The next idea about intentionality comes out clearly in the episode 297 with Naomi Hattaway where she’s back on the podcast, and she helped me shift my focus on the idea of legacy. Where we take the idea of legacy as something that we leave behind. She actually says, “It’s something you can set as an intention to carve the path forward.” And that is something that has shifted how I see myself, the impact I’ll leave with my work, my business, and as an individual. So here it is with Naomi Hattaway Legacy by Design episode 297:   Naomi: If we flip the switch and toggle forward-thinking instead of only in the back, that lets us lay out this beautiful runway of, “What do you want your legacy to be? How do you want it to align to your values?” And then you can pull in whatever you’re working on. A project. A team you’re working with. Whether it’s an individual journey. Whether it’s even as simple as preparing for your own death, which is something we all have to face. You can then lean into your values and lean into a way that really does create that legacy.    So a lot of times we also think about the red thread of our life and looking back, what are the things that stay true as we navigate different things and navigate different projects and experiences. And we always look back and say, “Well, that’s the red thread.”   All right, there you have it. I feel like I’ve just bared my soul to you about my own personal and professional journey in the last 100 of these 300 episodes. I do that because I want you to see the transformation, the transitions that have been happening in my own life. And how that manifests in what I share with you, right? I think it’s important that we make transparent our own journeys so when you’re on yours that it is normalized and you can see why it is worth it. Why is the work worth it? Because none of this I’ve shared with you has been easy. None of it has come naturally. It has come from within but it has come with some attachment to letting go of old patterns and letting in new patterns. And that is what I’m all about for you, right? I want to make an impact on you. And that’s what all of this is always been about. And that’s actually why I started this podcast to impact more of you.    So in the last bit of this episode, I want to share with you a few episodes from the recent 100 that have impacted my clients or have shown the impact that engaging in these kind of ideas and coaching etc. can have on your own life. In episode 218 was kind of a spontaneous thing that happened. One day, I went into my community, the IN TRANSIT Hub, It’s a free Facebook community that I have. And I said, “Hey, anybody want some free coaching? I’m going to offer that to you and in exchange, we’ll edit it, make it short, and put it into a podcast.” And I got an answer from someone in the community, who is a regular member. She said, “Sundae, I am feeling so stuck. I don’t think this will help but I’m willing to give it a try.” And here’s a glimpse of the big shift that happened in our mini session. It’s called: From Stuck to Sorted in 22 Minutes:   Sundae: So if you’re standing there at the road, how tight are the bungee cords right now?    Sharryn: They’re loose at the moment because I’m not moving anywhere. I’m sort of just stood there. Yeah, they’re okay because I’m making that decision of which way do I go. I don’t even know what the right bungee cord is. I don’t know what that one is. I know the left one is moving towards my dream and I know straight on is staying where I am now, on the path that I am now. But I don’t know what the right one is. I don’t know what that one is.   Sundae: Why don’t you pause for a second? Just get quiet and listen for what that might be.    Sharryn: I think it’s fear. I just think it’s fear. I don’t think it is a destination. I think it’s just fear.    Sundae: Sharryn I have chills up my arms right now.    Sharryn: I have tears in my eyes right now.   Sundae: You are amazing. Look at how hard you’re working and how clear you are being with yourself and where you are in this process.    So you can see, chills up your arms, tears in the eyes, it was a powerful 22 minutes, and she was able to experience that because she said, “Yes,” to herself. She said, “Yes,” to the experiment of seeing what would happen if she focused on her needs for 22 minutes. And at the end of our session, this is what she said:   Sharryn: I’m so grateful. Thank you for 20, 21 minutes and 18 seconds of your time. And you have unblocked like this whole- when I jokingly put that comment on your Facebook page, I was like, “Ah, she’s not going to do anything about it and nobody can do anything about it. It’s just going to have to fester for a while.” I didn’t for one minute think I would get this opportunity to sit with you and talk with you. And yeah, 21 minutes of your time and I know what I have to do.    So I hope what you’re seeing from that episode is that it is possible to be sitting in a place of blocked and in less than 20 minutes, you can gain clarity and know what to do next, right? So it’s all about impact and this is an example of how impact can happen in a very short amount of time. It doesn’t have to take long, it doesn’t even have to be hard. So speaking of impact, here is an episode that I hear consistently from my clients and from my listeners that has shifted their perspective. And that is why I wanted to include it here in our special episode today. It’s about knowing the difference between whether you need rest or recovery, and that is from episode 269: Rest vs Recovery. Have a listen:   So, this is an invitation to just think about your own life: Are you resting on the weekends or is what you’re doing really recovering? I talked to someone and they said that they feel bad when they go back to work on Monday because they spend their whole weekend doing nothing. And the point they’re doing nothing on the weekend is because they’re so exhausted from the week that they don’t have the energy to do anything else. So that’s recovery and not rest, right? So if that’s you, if what you’re doing is recovering, rather than resting what needs to change during the week so what you’re doing is just putting a pause on your responsibilities. Or if you are in a situation where recovery is the next step, are you just telling yourself that rest is enough? Or are you actively building in time and space for the process of healing? When you have something positive like I’ve shared here that you’re really were thankful you get to do, have you taken the right steps to proactively plan in time for clean up? Clean up after you’ve invested that extra time and energy in something? My hunch is that many of you can see yourselves in these scenarios because I’m seeing it all over me and I’m seeing it myself.   So I hope you pause and answer those questions for yourself. And if you’re not sure whether you’re in recovery mode or need rest, chances are you probably are in recovery mode and need to do a bit more so definitely check it out.    All right, so I’ve shared a few ways in which clients have been impacted either through coaching or through an episode. And now, I want to focus a little bit less on the personal side and more on the business side. And one of the episodes I want to draw your attention to is episode 278 called The Biology of Business. Here, I share what I call the head-to-toe exploration of your business and this is exactly what I teach inside the program Global Coach Coalition. I give you the categories and the key questions you need to be asking in your business from head to toe. Now, the thing is, I used this in my own business when I was going through my brand evolution, I went back to my own material, and I asked myself these critical questions. Listen, in, on this question that could change everything:    This is a framework for you to do a deep dive in your business right now and see what areas need more attention and where you’re doing just fine.  Head of your Business. The head of your business is; get in your head and ask the question, “Why?” What’s your big why?” Whether you’re at the very start of your business, you ask yourself, “Why do I want to do this? What am I doing this for?” But if you’re in the middle of your business, you have to ask yourself, “Hey, this is hard. Why is this all worth it?” So, there you go. Start with the head of your business. Ask yourself what is your “Why?” And if you’ve been in business for a while, it is so important, to revisit this question because you’re “Why?” changes? Now I’m hitting my 10th business anniversary in June this year, and my “Why?” has changed dramatically at least three times. And returning to your “Why?” will help you keep the alignment between what’s going on for you personally, and what’s going on outside of you in your context, as well as what you want to be seeing in your business. So definitely ask yourself that question, if you haven’t already. This is what I use with my clients inside Global Coach Coalition and we start with our “Why?”    But then we go through all the other parts we talk about the face of our business, the heart of our business, the skeleton of our business and more because if one thing in your system, let’s say in your body is impacted negatively, everything else is connected. And that is why it’s important for you to do a head-to-toe analysis in your business, every once in a while, to make sure that things are on track because if you don’t, you might be putting your attention in the wrong area of your business. And then you’re going to lose time, money, and energy and joy in your business. So go ahead and check it out, if you haven’t already episode 278: The Biology of Your Business.    All right, there you have it. I hope you’ve seen that this podcast started six years ago, 300 episodes ago, because I am so committed to impact. The impact on you and your lives, in the way that you think, the way that you engage with your loved ones, the way that you show up for your business, the way that you experience your own transitions.    And I have been committed to sharing the straight talk on our lives, IN TRANSIT since the beginning. So thank you for being here. I have much more ahead. I’ll tell you a little bit more. We are episode 300, and there are a few things that I know for sure, and a few things that I’m kind of in the messy middle of transition. All right. So going to be really honest with you about that. Here are a few things that I know for sure.    I am so excited that the program that I created in 2016 called Adapt and Succeed Abroad and has been tested and tried for many people from all the world as giving them tools to make their transitions easier and help their connections be deeper and to help find more purpose. I have redesigned it. Added a new material up branded it just basically made it even better for you. This was a labor of love that started in June and July 2022 and is now ready for you to check out. So I know for sure that this year, the impact that I want to be making in the world will be through sharing insight, like I have, in my podcast all this time, but in a much deeper way through my online program. It’s really bite-sized learning, but we go deeper in a kind of self-coaching guide and you have the community of Global Coach Coalition coaches at your fingertips.    If you want to go further and help someone be by your side along the way, besides me in teaching you the steps and strategies that have been tested in my global community. So check out Adapt and Succeed if you haven’t already. It is the absolute fastest, most affordable way you can work with me. And it’s immediate. You don’t have to make any appointments online. You don’t just show up on Zoom. It’s instantaneous, and it’s deep, it’s fun, it’s intimate, it’s playful, it’s professional all of it, right? So check it out, Adapt and Succeed. It is for anyone whose life is in transition, which means, it’s for everyone. So check it out.    And if you are a coach and you want to serve people in transition, you are working with the globally mobile community, whatever that looks like for you. Check out my program, Global Coach Coalition. I haven’t talked about it much, but I do want to let you in on a little secret that I will be opening the doors for Global Coach Coalition, starting March 2023. I do not know if I will offer it again in 2023. So this is absolutely the time, check it out, Global Coach Coalition, go online, apply if it resonates with you, and then we can connect and have a look.   That is what I know for sure. That’s where my energy is for sure in 2023. There are some other things that are going on, that feel like the messy middle and I’m kind of excited because I don’t know what’s next. I did have a hint of that in preparing for this episode, that all of the wisdom I gained from my Wisdom Fusion Project, I’m sitting on, like a treasure chest. Honestly, I have hundreds and hundreds of pages of notes and wisdom gained from that experience, I haven’t shared with you yet. So that’s on my mind.    Lots of other things are in transition for me personally, and professionally. And I love it because I can’t wait to see what’s on the other side. Just like I couldn’t see what was on the other side when I started this in 2016-2017, I’m so grateful for where I am now, I couldn’t have seen it then and that’s how I feel about what’s ahead.  So thank you for being with me in this journey and I  look forward to doing the next steps together. I’ve appreciated you, each and every episode. So I’m going to leave you with the words of Nelson Mandela. He says, “ to celebrate milestones, as you prepare for the road ahead.” I thank you for listening to IN TRANSIT with me, Sundae Bean. Thank you for celebrating this milestone with me and I look forward to the road ahead.   Enjoy The Show? Don’t miss an episode, subscribe via iTunes or RSS. Please leave us a review in iTunes (or here for Android). 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Hello, 2023! I have some big plans for you. After the past few years, you probably thought I’d tiptoe in like a mouse, but nah-ah; I’m coming in like a determined lion. Sure, I’m looking at you with a glossy, future-oriented gaze, full of hope, enthusiasm, and fresh-slate thinking. But not so fast, because I need to properly bid adieu to 2022 first. Dear, 2022… I thank you for pushing me to take huge risks; we did a lot of hard things together, didn’t we? And although we’re saying goodbye, I’m bringing your lessons with me, for I’m wiser and stronger because of them. Welcome to our Reflections Bean Pod, and the first series of 2023! This week, I’m ed by my right-hand-woman, Natasha Nkonjera, for an episode that’s truly straight from the heart. The owner of Fierce Collab, Natasha’s been my ride-or-die for years. Especially over these last few months, I don’t know how I could run SundaeBean.com without her masterful . And as our chat will reveal, Natasha *also* experienced monumental transitions in 2022. Today, Natasha and I reflect on our simultaneous moves out of South Africa. Together, unscripted and fully transparent, we both share the beautiful parts, the ugly bits, and IN TRANSIT essentials. What You’ll Learn in this Episode: The nighttime scaries Craving proximity to family Victory in not letting your mind consume you Finding laughter in the chaos Bringing “home” with you Listen to the Full Episode: Featured on the Show: What hard stuff are you facing in 2023? Whatever it is, you’ll be ready. Meet the BRAND-NEW Adapt & Succeed = a one-of-a-kind program created to revolutionize the way individuals and organizations manage transitions. Sundae’s Website Sundae’s Facebook Business Page – Sundae Schneider-Bean LLC Sundae Bean – YouTube Adapt and Succeed Fierce Collab with Natasha Nkonjera Natasha Nkonjera – LinkedIn Pauline Alberts – Website Global Coach Coalition Byron Katie Catch These Podcasts / Articles: EP298: Legacy Design with Naomi Hattaway Pillow Test from EP214: Life Inventory We’re delighted to be in the Top 5 of the global Best 30 Expat Podcasts! Subscribe: iTunes | Android Full Episode Transcript: Transcript Hello, it is  is 4:00 am in New York, 11:00 am in Johannesburg, and 4:00 am in Bangkok. Welcome to IN TRANSIT with Sundae Bean. I am an intercultural strategist, transformation facilitator, and solution-oriented coach, and I am on a mission to help you adapt & succeed through ANY life transition.   What happens when a Swiss American meets a Malawian in South Africa? You know what happens? Magic. Today I am ed by my right-hand woman Natasha Nkonjera. She is my secret weapon at SundaeBean.com and the owner of Fierce Collab. She specializes in branding and project management. So, Natasha, thank you for ing me today. I’ll tell people more about how much preparation you’ve had for this podcast, but thank you for being here.    Natasha: Thank you, Sundae. Yay, I’m glad to be on the podcast.    Sundae: Okay, listen. So what just happened is I prepared the test everything was ready and then all of a sudden I was like, “You know what? This would be a lot more fun to do a Natasha.” So I literally sent her a request on my phone. So for those of you who are watching this podcast on the YouTube channel, I sent her an audio request and I was waiting patiently to see if she would be willing to do it and she agreed. So, no preparation, no script, no prompting. Natasha, thank you for ing me to kick off 2023 with our listeners. Those of you who are listening and now this is the first episode of 2023 and Natasha is such an integral part of my team. It just feels right for us to do this together because both of us have had transitions behind us in 2022. Obviously transition is ongoing. So 2023. I’ll say more about mine but Natasha why don’t you tell the listeners a little bit about the transition you’ve just been through.    Natasha: Yeah, so, again, thank you for having me, totally unscripted. But my most recent transition was moving back home to Malawi, from South Africa in August. Also happened very kind of out of the blue. I decided after the pandemic that I just wanted to be closer to family. And yeah, made the decision in April and decided to move back home in August. Repat. So yeah, it’s been a lot but it’s been great.    Sundae: What’s so interesting. So I knew I was transitioning end of June,  you were transitioning end of August. So, both of us were like, in massive transition mode during this whole time. At the same time we were upgrading our program Adapt and Succeed, which is all about transition. So, we were really forced to, at least it for me, was an invitation to think about living the principles. Am I walking the talk? Because when I had to re-record the things or we looked at the material, some of the stuff were like best practices that I wasn’t doing at that moment. And I knew I needed to do it.   Natasha: Exactly.   Sundae: To myself.  I don’t know if you had that too while you were in transition.    Natasha: I did. So I did part of the Adapt and Succeed course while I was transitioning which actually helped me a lot and it helped me put everything in perspective and sort of dial everything down to like, “Okay, how am I actually going to reintegrated into my home country?” And yeah, if it wasn’t for the teachings in a Adapt and Succeed, I don’t think I would have been as level-headed as I was when it happened. I appreciate it.   Sundae: It was good timing. It was good timing to be doing the project. We can talk about more of that in a second but I would want to do is I want you as a listener to think about, often times at the beginning of a year people are focused on what’s new. You hear quotes like, “Starting a chapter of a new book and you can write the page,” and it’s very much future-oriented and fresh slate, which I  love, right? And I also feel there’s a little bit of a missed opportunity to look back at the year that you just experienced to bring it with you into the new year. Because what we went through just now helps us make better choices for those pages that are to be written, right? So again, Natasha, you’re not prepped with this. So no stress or no pressure to have to come up with something innovative or brilliant but I’m going to share mine. I’ll share what I’m thinking and I’m curious what comes up for you.    One of the things I like to do when I transition between years, right now in the recording, it’s 22 to 23. I like to reflect on what am I thankful to my 2022 self. So if I look back, we’re recording this right before the new year, so I we’re still in it. And I think, well, the first instinct is like, “Wow, that was hard. I did a lot of hard things,” right? But then, if I go a little further, I ask myself, “What am I thankful for to my 2022 self?” And I am thankful for doing the hard things.    I also, like you. I wanted to be closer to our community in Switzerland. And I wanted my boys to be closer to the cultural context in Switzerland. And that comes with a huge expression of energy and risk. So I’m thankful to my 2022 self for taking risks for doing the right thing. Even if it was a hard thing. I mean, I’ve had hard conversations and the one word I wrote down or the one phrase when I was thinking about this was, “There are some leaps of faith that I took.” So I am thankful to my 2022 to self for that.    Natasha: I love that. I love that.    Sundae: What about you?    Natasha: I love that you said “risk” because I feel the same. I think risk was a big word with this transitioning back home. But, I think for me, initially, it was about love. I think, I just wanted to surround myself with love again. I was feeling really isolated and alone. Even though I have my friends and I’ve got some family in South Africa. I just don’t feel like I had enough time with my immediate family or surrounded myself with my immediate family, having lived in South Africa for so long. And I felt like this was it just felt like the right time to get back to love.    One quote that I’m sort of living by and I believe you mentioned this in one of your episodes. It comes from Brene Brown, and it’s sort of related to Maya Angelou, and it goes something like, “You belong everywhere and you belong nowhere.”    And I think coming back “home,” I expected to feel at home with the location and being here and very often since I’ve been here, I haven’t felt like I’m home, And listening to that quote and reading that quote, made me realize that actually I’m here for love, but my home is actually within me and it’s not a place. It’s what I bring.    Sundae: And you know what’s so interesting? I was just having a conversation about this and we talked about the metaphor of landing somewhere, right? The choice that you made in your life, whether it’s a job or relocation or repatriating, or whatever. And this expression of empty shell came up. You get there and you want to feel whole. But there’s an empty shell. And then you’re faced with a decision of like, “Is this a choice. Is it going to always feel that way?” And when I heard that metaphor, I really it resonated in a sense of like, empty shell that I need to fill. And with a gentleness. Not explode with something but like gently fill that shell so it feels whole and maybe create reinforcement of the shell, so it’s not fragile. You want to land somewhere? And boom. It’s full, right? But it’s actually like, “No, I land and it needs to come.” You need to build from within whether that’s like your own self-love and acceptance or community or connection or fulfillment or purpose or whatever, but that has to be filled gently. That’s so interesting.    Natasha: And it’s holistic, so filling in with all the different things that should fulfill you not just –   Sundae: And stable, stable over time. Instead of like, “I’m just going to do something really exotic that meets this need for adventure and then everything else goes away.” It’s like, no, we’re going to look bigger. So that’s really been interesting, I think. Because what do you do when you get to the destination, whatever that is like the job, the kid, the relocation, and then all of a sudden you’re like, “Nope, still empty shell.”   Natasha: Exactly. Exactly.    Sundae: What do you think you’re most proud of that you did in 2022?    Natasha: That’s a very good question, I think not letting my mind, consume me. I think I gained a better sense of control over my emotions and you always talk about resilience, and resilience over endurance. And I think with everything that has been thrown at me, I’ve managed to handle it by having it. There was many rate down many, many breakdowns, but I pulled myself out–    Sundae: They call that healing, it’s healing. And every time we say, “Break down,” let’s just say, “Healing.”   Natasha: Okay, there was a lot of healing involved in moving back. Plenty of healing and I’m pulling myself out of that. I did that with a lot more grace and a lot more self-comion. I think self-comion. That’s what I’m looking for. And I think I’m building that more and not beating myself up for some of the mistakes that I’ve made or some of the expectations that I had that didn’t come to fruition. And just riding the wave as we go.    I can’t control everything and I think I kept thinking that I’m in control over my transition and everything’s going to be great, according to this plan and when it didn’t, the healing started.   Sundae: Yeah. You have to when you’re in that space, you have to practice self-comion. I’ve said this in other podcasts, I don’t even know like what is self-love, what is self-comion? And I had always felt like, very, I don’t know, almost like a yoga mat, woo hoo language, I couldn’t identify with until I got to a place where I was like, “Oh no, I think I need to try that.” That would probably be a good thing to try.   Natasha: Yeah, that will help.    Sundae: So one thing that was interesting that you said about your thoughts, actually, I wrote down when I was preparing for this solo episode, I wrote down something about, “Not taking my exaggerated thoughts seriously.”   Natasha: Hmm.    Sundae: And so this idea of exaggerated thoughts, I’ve noticed I’m of an age where I’ll wake up in the middle of the night and when I’m awake, then I’ll notice thoughts will come in and I know they’re exaggerated. But I have a distance where I’m like, this is an exaggerated thought, but it’s still happening. And then what I’ll do is I’ll maybe like take a note, send myself a message. So in the morning when I’m actually back to my reality, I can look at that. And inevitably in the morning, I’m like, “Wow, did you see where your brain was going?” And one of my friends calls it, “The nighttime scaries.” Which she’s like, “Oh, Sundae, everybody has the nighttime scaries.” Any time we’re in transition we deal with uncertainty. How do we hold our uncomfortable thoughts which is trying to actually have control, which is trying to help us predict? And how do we just hold those with love and say, “Okay that may or may not be true but what can I do to stay grounded here?”    So I think that’s interesting I actually wrote it down and then I thought well maybe they won’t understand what I mean by that or I just didn’t think it was as relevant and I deleted it. But I think you said it in other words.    I want to invite the listeners to do that exercise. What are you thanking your 2022 self for? What comes up? What’s the first thing that you would say, “You know what, 2022 version of me deserves a thank you for…” What do you fill in the blank?    And now I think once you have that, I’d love to look at in what ways will your 2023 self be wiser. So when I answered that question for myself, I wrote two things down. I said; my 2023 self is wiser because she can hold discomfort in new ways, and she is building the ability to trust in creating what hasn’t yet been created. And let me explain that.    I think there is this, this might be my journey, it might be everybody’s journey. But there’s this thing where if you want to do something, you have a goal and you want to create it, it’s like, “Okay, go do the thing.” And here’s step one, two, three, four. Like if you want to go to university, you will finish your basic schooling, then you get good grades, and then you apply, and then you go to class and there’s like a path, right? But I think, honestly, all of us right now are in a space where because of what’s been going on globally, we’re just figuring this out. There’s new things that are coming up. We don’t know how to do this. In 2018 we knew but we don’t know anymore.    Natasha: Really, figure it out as we go.   Sundae: And I think for me it’s like this process of like I’ve been asked to do something and no one has done that, in this constellation, right? Maybe they’ve done similar things and similar places and spaces, but no one has done this with these people or in these circumstances. So trusting that I can create something meaningful even though it hasn’t been created before. I don’t know if that sounds too abstract, but that’s what I wrote down for me.    Natasha: That’s beautiful. That’s really beautiful. I love that    Sundae: What about you, your 2023 self? How will it be wiser?    Natasha: Hmm. I think I would like my 2023 self to trust in my ability more, my abilities more. And I think I don’t value myself. Well, I haven’t been valuing myself enough, I think I need to add more value and just my sense of self and trust that I am capable of more than I think I am.   Sundae: mmm-hmm.    Natasha: Yeah.    Sundae: That’s a pretty wise 2023 self. Yeah cell phone Chimes.That’s a lot of people. Yeah    Natasha: And just stop doubting. I think it’s imposter syndrome. Stop doubting, that I’m not good enough or I won’t be able to achieve it or I’m not worth whatever it is that comes along.    I think also just putting myself out there without the fear of judgment because people judge anyway, right? So just being more, “me.”    Sundae: Why is it so scary? I’ve said, this another podcast, why is it so scary to be yourself?    Natasha: I think it’s being vulnerable like, opening yourself up to vulnerability, and allowing people to judge you because it happens.   Sundae: Hmm.    Natasha: Yeah, confidence is hard. I think I’m learning a lot more from you to be just be confident, and I see it in you and I think I’m like absorbing, trying to absorb all that energy into myself.    Sundae: It’s good, it’s good. Well I see it in you too so I think I’m trying to pull that out of you too.   Natasha: With this, especially.   Sundae: You guys have no idea. Honestly, for those who are listening and watching, I was waiting to see how she would respond because I know this isn’t your jam. I’ve asked you to do public things before, when you said, “Yes let’s do it.” I was like that was a huge growth moment I think for you because I don’t think a year or two ago you would have said “yes.”    Natasha: No.    Sundae: And I’m just enjoying this conversation so much. So I’m so glad that you said “yes,” I hope that our listeners are enjoying it as well.    Natasha: I hope they are too. Thank you.   Sundae: Oh so good and you’re just so good at like getting to the heart of what’s real, right? And I think one of the things I’ve learned about why it’s hard to be yourself is, I think if I look at my own journey, years and years ago, it was like, “Well, what does society want from me?” Right? “You want me to be like that, okay? I can do that. You think I should be good at school. Okay, I’ll crush it.” Looking outward at who I should be. And with one of my clients, I call that, “Plugging into the others” You plug into society, you plug into your family, you plug into, who knows what, whatever relationships you have. And then you perform that identity for them, to be good.    And then this process of, “Wait a minute, what if I plugged into me? What if I allowed ‘me’ to come out.” And then it’s scary because I went through this process when I went from writing blogs to being on video. Because with a blog you could critique my English, you could critique my argumentation. But like I was pretty confident in my writing skills. So I was like you know, fair enough if there’s ways to improve, fine. Or you just don’t agree. But with video, I was terrified because I’m like, “What if you don’t like my voice? What if you think I’m annoying? What if?” You know. And then it’s like, “What if you don’t like me?”    So, it was a fear of not my ideas being rejected. Me being rejected.    But why do I need other people’s approval of what already is? Sorry, this is what you get. My laugh, you either love it or hate it, but I can’t really change that. You know what I mean? So, I was afraid for people not to like me and for them not to judge me. Until I was like, you know what, I can’t mold myself into something that I’m not. And how arrogant is it to think that I could actually control how people feel or think about me? How arrogant and manipulative is even that concept?   Natasha: Right? Right. There’s that saying that, “Other people’s opinion of you is none of your business,” something like that.    Sundae: Exactly. Yeah. Yes, exactly. Byron Katie talks about that all the time and it’s really allowing yourself to let go, to surrender and to do that. And I have never shared this publicly but there are moments when and it feels vulnerable to say this, actually, but I’m going to say it anyway. I’ll be in a space of people and some of them, it could be that they know me quite well, or it could be that they’re just getting to know me. And then let’s say we’re at a table eating and then I will laugh. Or I’ll make some sort of cheeky comment. And it’s almost like it just flopped out of my mouth. And it’s then there’s like this– I’ve had a fear reaction where I’m like, *gasp* “Was that too much? Am I too much for them?”    Have you had that too?   Natasha: I have that all the time! Especially after having a social interaction with a group of people, especially people that don’t know. Because I feel like with my friends and family, they know who I am, they accept me for who I am. But if I’m just a group of people that I’ve just met and they don’t know my personality, the next day I wake up with anxiety. Like, “Oh, what did I do? Was that too much? And why did I say that?” So I totally get it. I totally get it.    Sundae: I feel that I’m a little bit, especially the Swiss context, I feel like I take up a little bit more space in of culturally what would typically be happening you know in a conversation or whatever, and then I questioned that. And it’s like, well I can be adaptive and read the room. But when I’m in an intimate, almost collegial friendship space. Why is it scary? If someone sees a glimpse of that. That’s important to think about.    Natasha: Thank you for saying that.   Sundae: This is so interesting. I had no idea our conversation was going to go this way. This is so fascinating. So for those who are listening, ask yourself in what ways will your 2023 self be wiser. I think it’s important. If you don’t know that answer, pause the podcast or the video or write it down and make some time for yourself later because that’s what you have the opportunity to bring into 2023. I know for me, I’m looking forward to holding that discomfort and create what hasn’t yet been created as I take steps forward.    So let’s look on. I wanted to give people a little glimpse, I’ve shared in bits what’s been going on with me and my transition. But I want to share a little bit about some of what I’ve been carrying. Now, in June, we left South Africa, went to the US for a month. I came to Switzerland in mid-July, and I spent time in a transitional apartment during a heat wave in Europe. But the windows were closed, I was recording this program Adapt and Succeed, sweating like crazy, putting powder on my face so it didn’t look sweaty on camera, and was doing that. Then we moved to our house, we got a house but it’s being renovated. So I literally moved to a construction zone, I would have like powder on my clothes when I would bring the kids to school or go to work.    And then my I put my kids into a new academic system, a local system, where they’re doing school in a new academic language. In fact, two languages. My son will come home and they’ll have flashcards for vocabulary and he’ll say, “Okay. Mom, I have to learn this.” And then I’ll look at it and one side says, “Am Seeufer,” which means, “On the lakeshore.” And then you flip it over and it’s, “au bord du lac,” which is same thing in French. And so my poor child has to learn French and German at the same time, right? I’m not a native speaker in either one of those. So I’m supposed to be the one to help him with his homework. And my husband has done over time with helping with homework because he’s much better at those things.    Yeah so that’s what we’ve been doing I took on a new role where I’m ing an organization in their own global transformation, and really putting the project management on you, Natasha, so I could step back and do all these other things. So there’s been a lot going on in my world. And as I said, when all this was happening, I was up reading the Adapt and Succeed program. And there were times when I would watch a video and then I’d be like, “I’m not doing that. I’m not doing that thing,” right? Like best practices.    There was one video where you and I have talked about the difference between endurance and resilience. Are we in endurance mode? Meaning, are we going towards depletion? Or are we in resilience mode? Where we’re building up. And it was so important for me and I’m sharing this because for whatever transition our listeners are in, I think it’s important to pause and go, “How is it going, really?” And am I doing, I want to say best practices, I don’t want people to think you always have to do best practices. But am I doing the things or at least one or two of the things that are truly ive for me right now? And I think that it’s such a simple question but I think it’s so important because I don’t know about you, but you’re so overtaken by all of the things. What were you doing? One day you and I were on the phone. You were working, you had nothing in the back wall because all the art had been taken down, your bags I think were packed, right? Like you basically were moving your apartment that day but you were working until 5:00 p.m. I was like, “Aren’t you flying out?” What? It was just full.    Do you that conversation?   Natasha: Yeah. I do. Literally everything was ready to go. And I was like, let’s just finish the day and then I’ll and then I’ll leave the country.    Sundae: Yeah, and so it’s checkpoints, are you taking checkpoints with yourself if you are kind of in this wild transition, whatever, kind of transition that might be, are you taking checkpoints for yourself? And that is why I was so grateful. I was grateful for both of us that we were doing that at the same time so that we, not intentionally, it was just from consuming that material, we were able to just sort of keep ourselves on track.    I have a couple more ideas on what I want to bring our listeners to before we into 2023 but quick as a side note, I want to let people know because of this transition I’ve been making, I have Adapt and Succeed and that is the fastest most guaranteed and most affordable way to work with me right now is the through the digital program. And for those people who want one-to-one interaction with a coach and someone who gets it, that’s what the Global Coach Coalition is for because I’m working with a small, handful of private clients and my Global Coach Coalition group. And so if there’s more people that are asking to work with me, I do have that as an alternative. I just want to put that as a side note. I’ll make sure that we put in the show notes as well because what we’ve done is so cool. And thanks to you Natasha, you’ve helped me bring what was already working and all that content, really freshen it up and it’s beautiful, what you’ve created. So check it out in the show notes.    Natasha: Sundae, a quick shout-out to Pauline Alberts, who’s been my Adapt and Succeed facilitator through my transition. And she’s been so helpful with me traveling back home and transitioning back home. And along with the program, I wouldn’t have been able to get through it without her. So thank you so much for suggesting that I work with her and doing the program as well.    Sundae: She’s actually the one who nudged me to rebrand or up-brand Adapt and Succeed. As this has been going on for five years and yes my lipstick and hair is outdated but the content is super solid. And she actually really lovingly and openly just said, “Hey, we love your energy now and how you’re showing up now, is it now time to sort of reinvigorate what you’re doing and your ideas into a new version of it?” So also I’m so thankful that you brought her up. She was one of the catalysts there to do that as well.    All right, so let’s look ahead a little bit more to 2023 for everybody. I know the most recent podcast 297: Legacy by Design with Naomi Hattaway really made an impact on me, where this idea of legacy isn’t something that happens on accident, it’s something you can do with intention. So in that same spirit, I want us to think about just for 2023, what legacy do we want to leave behind? And I have this exercise that I also teach in my program, Global coach Coalition, where I talk about talking behind your back. So what do you want people to be saying behind your back at the end of this year?    And, for me, when I prepared for this, I wrote down, I want people to be saying that, “Sundae leads with integrity. That she walks the talk. And she’s fun to be around.” So those are the things that came up for me that I want people to be saying behind my back. What about you Natasha?   Natasha: I think personally; that, “Natasha exudes love and ease. Love and ease.”    Sundae: Beautiful who doesn’t need more ease right now.    Natasha: I still want to be very outgoing and that’s a part of my personality but definitely like initially to have more ease. And professionally, I think just a lot more growth and a lot more. Yeah, I think just a lot more growth, more just doing more. I just want to do more. “Natasha, she does a lot. She’s got a lot of skills in her repertoire. And she’s your go-to person for whatever you need.”   Sundae:  I’m already saying that behind your back, darlin’. I just said it in front of people, like that one is *tick* done. The one thing that I’ve been working on with you is and you tell me if this sounds familiar, “I trust your judgment.”    Natasha: Yes.   Sundae: “I trust your judgment. I trust your judgment.” There will be things that you might ask and I’m like, “Hey I trust your judgment. You got this.”    Natasha: I think that’s also part of having more self-comion, is I need to, you’ve told me that and I need to trust myself. So I appreciate that and I appreciate you for trusting me. It’s definitely helping me trust myself more. So this role and working with you has really been such a growth spurt for me and I’m so grateful.   Sundae: I feel the same way, you know that. Don’t do this.   Natasha: I know, I’m gonna cry. I feel like this happens a lot. Okay, no tears today.   Sundae: You know, I don’t need to say it. And that’s what so cool I think about when you can show up fully as yourself and still professionally, right? There’s so much more that’s possible. And it’s been so fun to have you by my side to do that. So that is it, people are already saying that behind your back and I can confirm that for sure. So that’s the talk behind your back. So if you’re listening to this and you really want to be intentional in 2023 already, answer that. What do I want people to say behind my back? And then what will it take? How do you have to move forward to do that? And that is totally connected to your values. That if you know your values and then you make tough choices based on your values, then you will not regret anything.    The second thing I want to and this is when the last things I’ll leave you with is you might have listened to another podcast. The Pillow Test, Natasha might have to ask you to go find that episode afterwards, which one it was in. But the pillow test is when you put your head on the pillow at the end of the night, what is it that you say? What do you want to say that you’ve done? And I want you to think about your pillow test thoughts at the end of 2023. What do you want to be privately celebrating? And when I put myself to the pillow test about this year, I want to be saying; I’m proud of the results I created. I found a routine to stay strong and healthy. Aand I stayed connected with those who matter most.    So, I’m asking the listeners, I’ll give Natasha a few more seconds to think about her own answers because she doesn’t know what the questions are. What is it that you want to be saying at the end of 2023? You don’t have to tell anybody about it, just privately, how do you want to be celebrating? How you showed up for you in 2023? Anything that comes to mind for you Natasha,    Natasha: Recently one thing I’ve been living by I think with just how disted sort of all my plans ended up with with the transition and moving back is to, “Find laughter in the chaos.” So I’m I think I’m going to continue that and I want to continue laughing in the face of everything that doesn’t go my way, as well as ease but I think I think laughter is so important as well and just riding it and as it comes again. Yeah.    Sundae: “Laughter in the face of chaos.” Oh, that’s gorgeous. So good. So I’m going to ask you, what do you want to be saying by the end of this time next year? What has happened to bring you one step closer to that? I really hope that those of you who are listening, go to the transcript, print it out and scribble your notes on it, if you’re old school, like me. To really remind yourself how you want to be showing up and what you’re bringing from 2022, that wisdom that hard-earned experience that will help you get there.    So as you know part of the core principles that I have is about, how do you live your life without regrets? Not that we can get through life without regrets because we’re human. But how can you really show up with intention in a way that you feel in aligned with your integrity and proud of how you’re spending your precious time and energy. So Thank you all for been listening here. This has been so fun Natasha, I had no idea our conversation was gonna go so deep and in this direction, but it’s been beautiful. Yeah. Anything else that you want to share before we wrap up?    Natasha: I’m just grateful for you Sundae. Really. I don’t want tears, no more tears. But I’m really grateful for you. And having you in my life and working with you. I’ve learned so much about myself. And you’ve taught me so much. And this is an experience I’ll for the rest of my life.   Sundae: Same. Same. It’s mutual Natasha, you know me I’m like, Hotel California once when you’re in my life, you’re not going anywhere. Not going anywhere. In the best possible way. It’s not creepy.   Fun. So now you’ve seen who’s behind so much SundaeBean.com. The talent behind the beautiful design with the new program, Adapt and Succeed. There are more people on my team that helped make all of this happen. So Natasha is one of the amazing people that I work with. I’m excited to move into 2023 with you and Natasha, and with all of you who are listening. So, thank you so much. What’s next is the 300th episode of IN TRANSIT, it will be the sixth birthday of the podcast. And it will drop on my birthday. So lots of reasons to celebrate.  Thank you, Natasha, for being part of this journey, and thank you all who are here listening today. You’ve been listening to IN TRANSIT with Sundae Bean. I’ll leave you with the words of the very wise Oprah Winfrey: “Cheers to a new year and another chance to get it right.”   Enjoy The Show? Don’t miss an episode, subscribe via iTunes or RSS. Please leave us a review in iTunes (or here for Android). The post 299: Transition Essentials with Natasha Nkonjera appeared first on Sundae Schneider-Bean, LLC..

Shame is a universal experience. At some point, we all feel it, and at every point, we try to avoid it. That’s why many high-achievers are also people-pleasers and perfectionists. And this pattern of exhausting behavior almost always erodes self-confidence because: 1) We’re not robots, nobody’s perfect, and we all make mistakes. 2) You’ll never please everyone. And I really mean never-will-you-ever. So, the next time you engage in that unobtainable perfectionism chase, you’ll at least be aware that you’re letting “shame” drive the bus of your life. (Rather than tucking it into the trunk, next to that half-broken umbrella, where it belongs!) For the conclusion of our Intentional Podcast, I’m delighted to welcome best-selling author and podcaster, Andrea Owen. Her specialty is helping high-achieving women maximize unshakable confidence and master resilience. Often sold out, Andrea’s books are translated into 20 languages and are available in 23+ countries. I couldn’t put down: How to Stop Feeling Like Shit: 14 Habits That Are Holding You Back From Happiness. (And return to it often whenever I need an inspiration refresh.) Today, Andrea and I discuss the trauma spectrum. Andrea also reveals traits and habits that can sneakily sap self-confidence, and what to do instead. What You’ll Learn in this Episode: The push/pull of intimacy Beer commercials & Kodak moments When your friends socially exclude you Collecting trauma letters throughout life Catastrophizing & rehearsing tragedy Listen to the Full Episode: Featured on the Show: This holiday season, give yourself or someone you care about the gift of intentional . It’s guaranteed to fit, internationally relevant, and stacked with tools and resources that are reusable for life. Welcome to the ***BRAND-NEW*** Adapt & Succeed right here. Sundae’s Website Sundae’s Facebook Business Page – Sundae Schneider-Bean LLC Sundae Bean – YouTube Andrea Owen – Website How to Stop Feeling Like Shit: 14 Habits that Are Holding You Back from Happiness by Andrea Owen   Make Some Noise: Speak your Mind and Own your Strength by Andrea Owen Andrea Owen – LinkedIn Dr. Brene Brown We’re delighted to be in the Top 5 of the global Best 30 Expat Podcasts! Subscribe: iTunes | Android Full Episode Transcript: Transcript Hello, It is 1:00 pm in New York, 8:00 pm in Johannesburg, and 1:00 am in Bangkok. Welcome to IN TRANSIT with Sundae Bean. I am an intercultural strategist, transformation facilitator, and solution-oriented coach, and I am on a mission to help you adapt & succeed through ANY life transition.   So, I have, to be honest, this was back several years and I had a huge epiphany. Excuse my French, but I didn’t know I felt like shit until I didn’t. And this epiphany was very tied with something I did not realize at the time, which is that I was operating on a mode of endurance and not resilience. And if you know my work, you know that I preached that endurance leads to depletion and resilience leads to rejuvenation, performance, and just the good life. And I can’t think of anybody better to have us on the show, but Andrea Owen, who is an expert on resilience. So Andrea, welcome to the show today.    Andrea: Sundae. Thank you so much. I am so happy to be here.    Sundae: So I’m going to tell the audience a little bit about you, in case they’re not familiar with your work and if they aren’t they are missing out. So Andrea is the author of prolific writing in so many ways. I’ll tell you more about our books in a second. She’s a global keynote speaker. And, of course, a professional certified life coach. I’ve seen her in action, she’s amazing. She helps high-achieving women maximize unshakable confidence. Who doesn’t want that? And as I said before, master resilience.   What I love about her is she talks about how an individual can empower themselves to live what she calls, “Your most kick-ass life.” And Andrea, I don’t know if you know this, but I think I knew about your work way, way, way back when you started through a similar coaching community, that we share. So I’ve seen your work for the years and I’ve watched it develop. And what’s so exciting is to watch her books sell out, her coaching book out, and her podcast just hit over 4 million s. Right?    So, why is all this happening? It is because she is Is the author behind this fabulous book called; How to Stop Feeling Like Shit: 14 Habits That Are Holding You Back From Happiness. They’ve been translated in almost 20 languages, the last time I counted, available in over 23 countries. And one of my favorites recently is; Make Some Noise: Speak your Mind And Own Your Strength. So lots more I know to come from you but I’m really excited to have you here today.    Andrea: Thank you for having me. We have a lot to talk about.    Sundae: I know we do. We have some off-the-record things which we were just talking about the Beastie Boys before and we have some on the record things. So I was listening to your audiobook and I heard that there was like a able PDF thing and because I’m all about growth and development, “I think I’m gonna go for it. I’m going to do the things that she’s saying to do.” And I printed it out and I left it. And it was like two weeks later, I grabbed it from my office table. And I opened it up. I can’t what chapter it was and I opened it up and you had like two questions there and I don’t even which ones they were. I was so mad at you.    Andrea: Good.   Sundae: How dare you make me ask myself that question? It was what I needed to be asked at the moment. And I’m a junkie for like self-help books, personal development and I don’t know if I ever had that kind of visceral reaction of like, “Go away. Come back. Go away. Come back,” right?    Andrea: Do you what it was?    Sundae:  I can’t, I don’t know what it was anymore. But it was, it would probably be way too private to share with thousands of people, you know?   Andrea: That’s true.    Sundae: But it was the thing I needed to go – I wanted to go away from, but you were inviting me to go towards it. So, that is why I wanted you to come on the show because that’s the impact that your work has on people. And so I want to back up, you wrote this book; “How to Stop Feeling Like Shit.” So why did you write it? And I know you have an update coming out soon, what’s with the update?  Andrea: Okay, two-part question. Well, first of all, thank you for that compliment. I mean, it’s the highest honor when a coaching question can evoke that much of an emotional reaction from someone, whether it’s anger resistance, grief, humor, whatever it is.    So, “How to Stop Feeling Like Shit” does have a birth story. I was just living my life as a funky old life coach. And I was certified in Dr. Brené Brown’s work. And I think that her work is global at this point. So, probably a lot of your listeners, know who she is. Her work is largely around shame resilience. And that’s what the methodology was that I was certified in. So there’s one particular module where she talks about the things that we do to try– the behaviors that we do that we try to avoid shame, criticism, judgment, failure, all those yucky things that we don’t like. And she talks about, “Numbing out.” She talks about what she calls, “Foreboding joy.” So that’s like the catastrophizing and rehearsing tragedy that a lot of us do. Perfectionism.   Sundae: I am so good at that.   Andrea: I know, many of us are. It talks about those three behaviors. And she casually mentions in the video module, she says, “There’s a lot of other behaviors that we engage in to try to avoid shame. You can talk about that in your group.” And I was like, “Brené,” I wasn’t on the phone with her,  we’re not that close. *laughter*    I was like, “This is my work.” It’s the people pleasing. It is the isolation instead of reaching for help. It is the overachieving. It’s the control. Its poor boundaries. I had a list of 14 behaviors that I saw my clients do over and over again. And what I like to say about it and the title is coming. I always say those behaviors work for a while. Control and perfectionism helped me graduate from college with honors, right? Numbing out works for a little while. Lord knows many of us numbed out during the pandemic. And even when my dad ed away in 2016, yes, I know all about numbing out. But they get to a point where they don’t work anymore and then that starts to feel like shit.    And we’re like, “Okay, why are my coping mechanisms making me feel this way? Why do I feel like there might be a better way?” And that’s how the title was born. Just quickly the revision, it’s been five years now since that book came out, and you’ve had the Me Too Movement. We have had a lot of civil unrest in the United States. Also, we had the global pandemic and I feel like also the conversation around toxic positivity really started to happen when that book first launched, and I wanted to at least touch on that. So it’s about 10,000 extra words that I wrote. For those of you on video, you can see the cover is going to be yellow. Still same book, but just some additions that I wrote to touch on these very big things that have happened over the last handful of years.   Sundae: Well, I think what you said is so important about how our strategies just stop. And I think for a lot of people whatever we were doing to really try to take care of ourselves, or cope because maybe you had a level of challenge, just stopped working. We just ran out of strategies.    Andrea: And no one teaches us this when we were growing up, right?    Sundae: And then isolation on top of it. So that is so important. And what I love about all of those things that you named, I find it really important for people to have language. Like high-functioning, what was the word from Terry Cole, she talks about being, “High functioning and self-abandonment,” that’s what it is.    Andrea: Oh yeah, yeah.    Sundae: If you have language for something then you’re like, “Oh!”   Andrea: “That’s what I’m doing. That’s what I am thinking.”    Sundae: Exactly. And that’s important and what it, what you’ve done is you’ve listed 14 things that people now have language for and they can see something. And if you don’t have a language for it, you can’t even begin to think about it differently.   Andrea: That’s so important. I think you nailed, Sundae. And also, I want people to know and be very clear that I’m not handing you this book and saying, “These are the things that you need to stop doing and then you’re going to have your life together.” Or, “If you do any of these things you’re doing it wrong.” I still struggle with control. I still sometimes struggle with poor boundaries or isolating and not reaching out for help. The point that I want to make very clear is that I just want you to know when you’re doing it so that you can have comion for yourself.  So you can maybe try different coping strategies. And like you said, have the language around it.    Sundae: But I think people might not know, just if they don’t know your work, is how you totally share your journey. One of the things that I’ve known because I was able to meet you through a business mastermind that we did two years ago. And when I first met you, I knew the work that you’ve been doing. But as I got to learn more of your story, I was like, “Oh, and then that happened. Oh, and then that happened.” And this is why I understand why you talk about resilience because you’ve had so many things happen in your life that you’ve overcome, right? So I want to make sure that listeners know, you aren’t just like someone who really likes to read self-development and then regurgitate it. But you get in there, you get your hands dirty and you really do the work, right? And then the things that you’ve learned along the way you share with other people. I think that’s really, that’s really irable. I think.   Andrea: Thank you.   Sundae: For people to know that it’s not like this is theoretical for you. These are things that you have practice, and as you said, continue to practice over and over.    So I want to talk about two things. One; Shame. I think people are familiar with shame probably through Brené Brown’s work. She’s made that more of a speakable topic. But can you say a little bit more about how shame sort of bleeds into these other habits, or in our daily life? Let’s say.   Andrea: Yeah. The connection is that because I kept hearing from the women in my community, this was years and years ago when Brené Brown’s work was just starting to be more popular and they would say, “I really resonate with her work especially when she talks about perfectionism and things like that. But I don’t have a lot of shame in my life. I don’t walk around feeling ashamed of the person I am or have any major mistakes that I’ve made where I feel ashamed of them.” And I said, “Well, do you engage in perfectionism?” And they’d be like, “Well, yeah, totally. I really struggle with that.”    And so the connection is when you are engaging in perfectionism, you are actively allowing shame to kind of drive the bus of your life, if you will. Because when you’re engaging in perfectionism, you’re doing that as a tool or even a weapon in some people’s cases to try to avoid shame. You know, “If I looked perfect and act perfect. Even though I’m not underneath and I’m a big old mess like every other human. But if I put this facade out, then I can avoid criticism.” Because that’s connected to shame. “I can avoid failure.” Connected to shame. “I can avoid not judgment.” Connected to shame.    And so I think that when I started to explain it like that to people their eyes get really big, and they’re like, “Oh my God.” And I’m like, “Don’t be so hard on yourself.” Shame is a universal experience that we all have. The only people that don’t experience it are people who are legitimate sociopaths and psychopaths.   And I think if people are listening to your podcast, there are probably not.   Sundae: It’s actually the least they have to worry about, right? Yeah. Right.   Andrea: So that’s the connection around shame.    Sundae: But I’m sure the penny drop for some people there, like when I learned that connection years ago, I realized this idea of perfectionism isn’t just like trying hard and liking to do well at school.    Andrea: Yeah. That’s different.    Sundae: Totally and I really like, oh wow, avoidance, avoidance, avoidance, avoidance. And that’s a huge shift. And I’m so grateful for your work and for other’s work who uncovers that because otherwise you would almost get away with unhealthy coping strategies that are masking so much in your life. Either the hard stuff but also the good stuff, right?   Andrea: Oh yeah. Well, perfectionism is one of the noble ones. You know.   Sundae: Like a badge of honor or something?   Andrea: Right? People wear it as such.  Sundae: I call myself a recovering perfectionist or a covered perfectionist. I think I’ve come a long way. And life is so much better that’s since I’ve knocked that off. So can you tell us more? One of the things I want to talk about is from your most recent book that I’ve read about, “Make Some Noise.” And you talk in one chapter about to stop checking out. Can you tell our listeners what is checking out?    Andrea: I think from like a meta standpoint. It’s when we avoid the hard emotions in our life. So all of us experience hard emotions and I look at it kind of like a beach ball, you can hold it underwater for a pretty long time. But it’s exhausting and you’re going to use up a lot of energy doing it and eventually, it’s going to pop up somewhere. And by pop up somewhere. I mean, usually that’s where we are ive aggressive with the people that we care about. Or it comes out as road rage. Or it comes out or just leaks out a little bit as we’re like drinking too much wine at the end of the day. Or scrolling through our phones incessantly. We push it down and push it down. Or avoiding having hard conversations. And I still do this sometimes and I’ve been sober for 11 years. But still I use work as a way to check out of my life. I use my phone as a way to check out of my life.    And so I’m not saying like don’t do this ever. But it is definitely something that we use as a coping mechanism. Because feelings are rough. Hard conversations will kick your ass up and down the street, so I get it.    Sundae: Yeah and for me, so I have a friend, I don’t know if this is her words or this is wisdom she’s gained along the way. But she says, “The truth will always find you.” And I think it’s that–   Andrea: It’ll catch up with you.    Sundae: It will, it will, no matter what, it’ll come out left or sideways, you know what I mean.   Andrea: Smack you in the face.   Sundae: And what I love about this chapter is specifically, how you talk about when we check out, and sometimes we need to as a way to just get up and do, fair enough. But when we check out, we’re actually not doing the work that needs to get done. We’re actually not present in our real life.    Andrea: Yeah. I kind of have a visceral reaction and it’s probably something I should explore in therapy. When people talk about being present, I think because we have such a– it feels sort like this arbitrary, like, “What does that mean?” And I look at it, my definition of it is just like, paying attention. And for me, I have snapshots of various like, “Am my present all the time in my life?” Absolutely not. I have ADHD, that is incredibly hard for me to do and I feel like I only have like I have limits of it and so I have to kind of save it for like things that I deem worthy.    But at any rate, I think that being present, I think it is good enough if you do exactly what I was just saying. Like, if you are present, just for sitting down at the dining room table with your family, even if you only eat dinner together once a week, just to do that. Or if you are, a lot of people that listen to this are in all different countries or maybe they’re American, maybe they’re not. But just these small little cultural things that your family is learning and everyone’s in a moment of laughter.    Do you , I think it might’ve been in the 80s, the Kodak moments.    Sundae: Yes, yes, absolutely.    Andrea: Yeah, snapshots. That’s really what it is. Like, when I decided that was going to be what presence is for me. Like I totally took the pressure off a feeling like I had to be in this meditative state all the time.    Sundae: Oh, no. No. Well, I think that’s about like presence of the digestible presence versus right constant meditative state. I’m thinking, for me, when I look at this idea of checking out is, I’m actually checking out of my reality. Meaning, very simple example, I’m tired, I’ll come home, I’ll have a headache. Easy would be like, I’ll just have a glass of wine. Or I’m feeling like not connected, so I’ll just go to bed early, right? Those are two examples of I’m actually not facing what is. Maybe I’m tired and I have a headache because I didn’t take a break today and I didn’t give myself enough grace.    Andrea: You didn’t drink enough water.    Sundae: I didn’t drink enough water but I’m just going to mask the headache was like an easy fix, right? Or if I’m feeling disconnected with someone that I care about, and then I’m just going to go to bed. Instead of looking at the person and going, “I’m feeling disconnected.”  By checking out, we’re actually not addressing what’s really going on in our life which then draws it out longer, right? It actually makes us carry it longer.    Andrea: Hmm, right. Especially if the problem is in relation to someone else. Yeah, we’re making the problem worse by dragging out an overdue conversation.   Sundae: But with your health too, right? Like if you’re not drinking water, you’re not going out. I have to run every day when I sit for nine hours. I have to break that up with physical movement. Otherwise, I’m just not a good person. My body’s mad at me. So, that’s the truth. I need to do that, right? And if I have a headache and I tried to ignore the fact that my body didn’t get movement, I am making an impact on my health. And that could even be, like we said with the example of wine, that could be dangerous for people if they use that as a consistent coping mechanism that can have just as much bigger impacts later on.    Andrea: Yeah, right. What I’m inviting people to do really in this chapter two, is to look at the behaviors that you do habitually that may or may not be even bordering on addiction. Maybe but like if you kind of are balking at that then please continue to listen. It’s the behaviors that we do that at the end of the day, really don’t have great consequences. You could be drinking two or three glasses of wine. It might not check the boxes for alcoholism, but you know that you wake up with a headache or feeling super dehydrated, and the more glaring part about it is that you’re avoiding stuff going on in your life. Whether it’s feelings that you have from your family of origin. Whether it’s stuff going on in your marriage or your long-term partnership. Whether it’s stuff going on with your small children or adult children. Is this behavior that you’re doing habitually, whether it is addiction or not, allowing you to temporarily avoid something or stay in denial about something that is a problem?    That’s what I want people to start thinking about.    Sundae: Doom scrolling. Instagram rabbit holes.    Andrea: Oh yeah. I did that a lot during the pandemic.   Sundae: Right. “Hey, I’m lonely,”   Andrea: “I’m scared. I’m uncertain”    Sundae: Exactly. Fill in the blank. And I think it’s really clear when you talk to Andrea and from me, I think people know that we all do these things, right? This is not, they don’t do these, we do those things, it’s more like noticing which ones are we doing. And how fast is it spiraling?    So that was one thing that was important to me to talk about so I really want to hear from people if you’re listening to this podcast or catching the audio on YouTube as well. I want to hear, if people are willing to share some ways that they’ve checked out in the past or ways that they’re trying to not check out anymore because I think it’s that idea of shared language. I didn’t even know that was checking out. It could be the way you parent, could be a way of checking out. And so I’d love to hear that so people have language for that.   The other thing I wanted to talk about with your book is you have this great way of talking about personal development and taking charge of your life, empowerment. But also you don’t look away from bigger things, right? I love how you bring in the intersections of identities that play a role in our lives. The things that feel insurmountable like power dynamics and historical context that have created really inequal situations that people are facing.    The other thing. I think that you do really well as you talk about trauma and and there’s this interesting balance, I think when you’re in a space where your coaching, you’re not a therapist – you’re coaching. But it’s still important to talk about trauma. Can you talk a little bit about capital T  Trauma, big T, little T trauma, and why that’s important for everyday people to at least think about to think about?   Andrea: Yeah, I love this conversation at every reminds me of the beer commercials saying, “Please drink responsibly,” I always hear in my head like, “Please talk about trauma responsibly.” I’m not a licensed therapist. Although I play one on TV.    No, I’ve hired many of them in my life and I did not come up with this term. This is a psychology term that goes back decades of Big T and Little T trauma. So I’ll give you an example from my own life. So a little T trauma might look like. So when I was a little girl in elementary school, I had my best friend from second grade and we were Girl Scouts together. And then another friend came into our friend group.  And we loved her and accepted her and we were kind of like this little trio. And we always went to Girl Scout camp, by always I mean like two or three years in a row. We went to Girl Scout camp together the three of us for and during the summer and then one summer was probably fourth or fifth grade, I found out that my two friends in our little trio went to Girl Scout camp without me. And I was devastated. And it was my first real broken heart.    And I thinking, “They looked through the catalog together. They picked out a camp together. Did my mom know about this?” And I was so devastated, and even now it still stings a little bit. And I still talk to one of them more than the other. But I don’t harbor any hard feelings. But it’s still like, I think of my 10-year-old self and I’m like, “Aw.” that’s an example of a little T trauma.    A big T trauma is I grow up, I was married to someone I had been in a relationship with for over a decade, and we were talking about conceiving our first child. And he had an affair with our neighbor that lived across the street and got her pregnant and they went on to have a child together and were together. He was living a double life essentially for seven months. That was a big T trauma in my life.    And so we all kind of collect these letters as we go and I think it’s important to differentiate between them because trauma it’s like this big umbrella that fits a lot of things. And some people might say, “Well my story of getting my heart broken when I’m a little girl because my friends went to Girl Scout camp without me doesn’t even hold a candle to Jane’s problem and her parents were physically abusive to her growing up.” And so I think that it’s a way to measure it without giving it a lot of weight and not saying – it’s kind of like all trauma matters. I don’t have a better way to say it, but all trauma matters, your trauma matters. And just because there’s might seem much more egregious than yours doesn’t mean that yours doesn’t matter. And that doesn’t mean that yours isn’t also worthy of doing the work to heal. We all have trauma. It’s just a matter of finding the right person to be able to walk through it with in of a therapist.   Sundae: Right? And I think for me, when I listen to that conversation, the value is for those who are not giving themselves credit for having been impacted by little T things –   Andrea: Those add up.   Sundae: Those add up. And if you don’t process that you still carry that. And the unfortunate thing about big T trauma is often times it can be debilitating. Or it could have such an impact in your life. You have to process it, right? With little T trauma, you can get away with it. Does that make sense?   Andrea: Yeah. So, big T trauma, that’s what leads to PTSD or complex PTSD and these other chronic, like you said, debilitating, things that people can carry for sometimes a long time before it becomes too much. And then our bodies start to break down, our mental health starts to break down, etcetera.   Sundae: So we’ve talked about a lot of things, like that process of checking out. We’ve talked about carrying those hard things. And all of this is in service of people gaining confidence, right? Finding their power. So what does that look like? Do you have something that you could share with our listeners of what’s one thing they could do today to start tapping back into that power?   Andrea: To start tapping into their self-confidence or just power in general.   Sundae: I think you decide what direction.    Andrea: Okay. Yeah, I used to think that confidence came from, like you were either born with it or you weren’t. And I grew up watching The Golden Girls and I was like, okay, Blanche Devereaux definitely has confidence and she was born with that. She was born that way. And at the end of the day, she was just a character that played on TV and we’re not. There are some people who are naturally charismatic and extroverted, and they’re really great in sales and things like that, but that doesn’t mean that they have more self-confidence than everyone else. And all the books I’ve read on confidence will tell you that confidence is gained through experience and it doesn’t always work out, that’s the thing. I think we’ve both had coaching clients, especially in the beginning where we have our coaching questions and we’re asking and then we are feeling like a disconnect, and we’re realizing this session is going really terribly. You’ve kind of fallen on your face. Or maybe people listening, they give presentations at work and they bombed.    And I think that if you can, here’s the tip, I think, if you can look back on those situations and those experiences as gleaming, “How did I build resilience from that? How did I come back from that? Because that’s sucked, that was terrible.” And I think this is what I try, I have two teenagers. I have a 13-year-old and a 15-year-old now. And what I have been talking to them a lot about is, “I cannot guarantee that everything’s going to work out. This may go terribly. I am going to equip you with the tools that you have and I promise you that it’s not going to kill you, even though your body might be telling you, ‘danger, so much danger.’ We’re going to die if we go into this conversation or stand up in front of the class and give this speech,” or whatever it is. I was like, please just know that every experience that you have is going to lead you towards mastery. And that is what now creates a self-confidence in us.    I was just at my daughter’s school the day before yesterday and I was late coming to this assembly, I’m on the PTO. They knew I was going to be late and I’m kind of sneaking in the side door. And one of the other PTA moms leaned over and she’s like, “Tell me what you do for a living again.” And I told her and I said and she said, “Okay, I would have guessed that about you. You carry yourself with such confidence.” And I was like, that’s so interesting because I’ve earned that. That one comes from being 47-years-old and not always being this way and being intentional about it. And now I don’t even think about it. I just walk into a room and my shoulders are back and I don’t even realize it. But it just a lot of times, it also comes with experience. I wish I had a better answer but you know.   Sundae: I just ask myself, how do you have time for the PTO because–   Andrea:  I’m only a co-chair and I did that on purpose, boundaries. They asked me to be a chair and I said, “No.” My first reaction was I wanted to say, “yes.” Because they were like, “Oh communications; she’s a writer.” She can do all this stuff and I was like, “Of course I can, thank you.” And then I was like, I sometimes get called out of town at a moment’s notice. I will drop the ball but I can assist. So it worked out perfectly, somebody’s the chair and I’m the co-chair.   Sundae: I don’t even make brownies.    Andrea: Good. I don’t either.    Sundae: I’m so bad.    Andrea: I donate money.   Sundae:  I will come in and deliver a training for you or do you want to eat my burnt brownies?    Andrea: I want to say this to you because I feel like it might be helpful to your audience. I have really been wanting more friends out here. I live in the rural South and it’s been tricky to make friends out here to be honest I haven’t tried all that hard. So it’s like, “What would I tell my client? How proactive have you been about it? Have you actually put yourself out there? Have you done anything to try to meet people?” So guess what? I sure have met a lot of moms being on the PTO.   Sundae: You’re creating community. You’re building community. I love that. I think it’s beautiful. It’s good. I need to find my thing.    Andrea: So I did have a little bit of an ulterior motive.    Sundae: So I want to go a little bit more about you. We talked about your work. One, I think the confidence thing is really important. I just had a thing with a client today where we talked about confidence and in our session she has worked so hard for it. Today, I asked her how she was feeling and she said the word “confident,” and she couldn’t even believe it came out of her own mouth.    Andrea: Oh, I love that so much.    Sundae: She was so beautiful. I would get like all like teary-eyed proud of her work. I think that’s really important. So thank you for mentioning that that confidence is built. We work hard for that.   Andrea: One second at a time.    Sundae: Absolutely. And if you notice it in yourself, don’t panic like it’s going to go away. All that you’ve done in the past has laid a brick, a foundation for the next thing. We all waver in our confidence. But it doesn’t mean that foundation hasn’t been laid. So that I think is a paradigm shift I hope people take away from today because I think that’s important. Now I want to, I know our time is coming to a close, but I wanted to focus on you for a little bit if you don’t mind.    So you know you might know the thing that I talked to most of my guests about is called Ambitious Transformation and Transition. And I’d love to hear just kind of a snapshot of where your life is right now, in relation to that. So, just quick transitions are any transition, you might be feeling like a global transition, health transition, family transition. Top of mind, what comes up for you when you think, what transitions are relevant for you right now?    Andrea: Yeah. Well, I’m 47 and a half so, perimenopause. And you and I were bonding on our salt and pepper hair growing out. And also a health transition, this is my third doctor that I’m seeing over the last couple of years. I had some health stuff happen at the beginning of the pandemic, like a lot of people. And turns out, I have an autoimmune thing, so I’m trying to get a hold of that. I gained like 25 pounds in a pretty short amount of time. So there’s also the transition.    And I might be jumping ahead with your questions, and the ambitious part for me is just accepting this new size that I’m at because I told my doctor, I’m like, “Can you let me know if this weight is going to stay on? Because if it is , it’s fine. There are definitely worse things in the world.” But it’s an adjustment. It’s adjusting to this new body. It’s adjusting to this new size and the way that I move my body is different. I keep joking with my friends and I’m like, “I feel like I have this cat in my lap that won’t get off my lap.” When it’s kind of in the way, so it’s like hard to tie my shoes. Like, no, it’s my belly, it’s my menopause belly. That’s happening. So that’s been interesting.    Sundae: Yeah, accepting. So say more about accepting.    Andrea: Yeah. Well, I think, it’s so tricky when a life coach who preaches, “Just accept this part of you.” And then something like the universe is so hilarious, throws something at you, like, “Accept this!”   Sundae: Exactly. Oh, yeah, no. I’ve been there like, “Oh, okay. Yeah, I guess I have to learn that now.”    Andrea: But that is life sometimes. My mom is just told me,  “My weight fluctuated 30 pounds up and down,” and I’m like, “Oh my God.” To be a woman in this culture in of our weight, it’s tricky. So the acceptance is complicated. I think I’m going to leave it at that.    And that’s what my audience knows me for. They know my just complete transparency. I am never that person that puts myself on a pedestal and says, “Look at how figured out, I have everything.” Or you will never have me talk about how beautiful my marriage is and then in two months I’m like, “Guess what? I’m getting divorced.” My audience knows the deep down and dirty. There are some things I hold private, of course like the stories of my children. Things like that but for the most part they know what’s going on with “Andrea.”    Sundae: That’s good. It also gives people permission to like see that in themselves, you know?   Andrea: We’re all just human.    Sundae: I know you can figure it out. So that’s ambitious, is accepting that. What else do you do to short of shape whatever internal or external transformation that’s happening in your life?    Andrea: I am so lucky that I have such amazing and beautiful female friendships. This has not always been something that has been easy for me. If anyone is familiar with the Enneagram, I’m an eight with a seven wing. So that means I’m the Challenger. I have high leadership skills also known as bossy. I’m very assertive and a lot of times I can put productivity before relationships. I’m also an Aries, if anyone is interested in astrology, I’m very fiery and sometimes it’s hard to be friends with me. And I look back on my 20s and how you could always count on me for a good time. I was always fun and I always had the best/worst ideas. I was always up for an adventure and spontaneous, you never had a boring time when you were with me. But I was also a crap friend sometimes. And I could be ive aggressive and give digs. And just not be very nice. But I would always cover it up with humor. And you know what I mean? Like, that type of friend. And I have cleaned up some messes over the years.    Now, in my 40s, I’ve gone back to my friendships and, and apologized, and made amends. And sometimes the friendships got closer. Sometimes they’ve stayed the way that they were. So I think I kind of got off on a tangent there, but I think I was talking about friendships. Now, in my 40s, I have one of my biggest sort of lessons, I don’t know if you can relate to this, or if anyone listening can relate is to let people love me.    Sundae: Why is that so hard?    Andrea: Trust issues for me. Abandonment issues. I want to keep you at arm’s distance but I also want to like tell you to come here at the same time. I always say, the thing that I wanted the most which was intimacy, connection, love, trust, was the thing that I feared the most, intimacy, love connection, trust. I was like, “Yes but no. Yes, no, no.” And so it was this push-pull constantly and it was the same in my friendships. And the way that I got people to be close to me which was being this gregarious, fun, girl and woman. And also kept people away by being ive-aggressive and things like that. So now that I am a grown-up and matured, it’s about allowing people to really see me in all of my really ugly naked stuff. And I don’t mean that only from a literal sense, cat on my lap.    It’s just how terrified I get sometimes, in my career or in my marriage or as a mom and letting my friends in, and it’s only like a couple of them, I don’t have like eight girlfriends. That to me has been the biggest gift I could ever ask for.   Sundae: My friends have taught me so much. They’ve taught me so much.    Andrea: I think I’m really lucky, we’re really lucky. If you get to be this age and you have strong friendships, you have won the lottery. Because it takes so much work and intention and trust and getting it wrong and trying again. And having people stab you in the back and break your heart and then you doing that to people because that’s what we were taught. And like, unpacking your entire internalized misogyny. It’s like, I could go on and on but friendships.   Sundae: For me, my closest friends, I’ve learned how beautiful it is to really be my vulnerable self. And they stick around. It’s so beautiful that they stick around and I’m so grateful for that too. So thank you for mentioning that because oftentimes when we talk about shaping transformation, people talk about, “Well, I’m taking care of my health. I’m watching what I eat. Energy. I’m putting away saving so that I feel security.” It isn’t that often that people talk about connection.    Andrea: Yeah because at the end of the day you can’t take any of it with you, but like I know I’m going to look back and not really care about how much money I made. It’s about the people that I asked to be in my life and that I asked if I could be in their life and that is not something I thought I would be talking about when I was 25. I thought I would be talking about all of my successes and to me, success is about the relationships, the health of our relationships.    Sundae: Yeah, I think you used the word “Grown, now that I’m grown up.” Honestly, I feel like I just started growing up.     Andrea: Same.   Sundae: It’s hard to adult and all the things we talked about today. I think I tribute to like real adulting. I think it was just pretending to adult before. And now I’m doing the real work and that is something that, you don’t know this, but that’s one of the things I learned from you. And I learned when we were in this business mastermind together, I watched each and every woman do some really hard things. Instead of doing the safe things, it’s easy to be successful at the safe things. But it was so wonderful to watch women do hard things, imperfectly, and keep going.    And I was like, “Oh, they’re really adulting.” They’re showing up in and as themselves. And I think that’s so powerful. So thank you for that as well.    Andrea: You’re welcome.    Sundae: Yeah, so tell us before we wrap up here. Tell people where should they come check you out and what’s next for you?    Andrea: They can come see my perimenopausal belly over at only fans. No, I’m just kidding, I don’t have one.    I meant all the socials except only fans, @heyAndreaOwen, and all of my website with my books and everything is AndreaOwen.com and I linked my podcast there too.    Sundae: You got to check it out, all the stuff like every time I see your podcast come out and like, “Oh, I want to talk about that too.” We have so many topics that we just shared ion for. It’s so fun.   Andrea: I love that. Sundae: Yeah, thank you so much for coming. Go check out Andrea, there’s all kinds of goodness and more. So thank you for being here. Thank you for listening everyone. You’ve been listening to IN TRANSIT with Sundae Bean. I will leave you with the words of our author today. Andrea says: “You can’t practice and be confident if you are standing outside of yourself.”   Enjoy The Show? Don’t miss an episode, subscribe via iTunes or RSS. Please leave us a review in iTunes (or here for Android). The post 298: Self-Confidence Surge with Andrea Owen appeared first on Sundae Schneider-Bean, LLC..

Advent calendars give you a little treat to tide you over until the big treats. Paper chains let you break off a piece to visualize the shortened length that remains. And who hasn’t counted down the days, crossing them off with anticipation? Especially in the corporate context, when you know you’re leaving for a new job, that final stretch can feel like forever. But what if instead of checking out emotionally and energetically you treated that time as a chance to double down on your efforts to steady the ship for those who’ll remain? Easier said than done, sure. But try to what excited you about the role when you were new. Then, invite some of those things back. And, as a bonus, by leaving well, you’ll also actively participate in shaping the narrative of what people from your professional past say about you in the future.    Continuing our Intentional Bean Pod, it’s my pleasure to welcome back — for a THIRD time — Naomi Hattaway. A licensed realtor with endless skills and credentials, Naomi’s ion lies in community building, diversity, and accessibility in online and physical spaces. Naomi last ed us for episode 181: Linking Arms. In it, she and I spoke about how to build inclusive global communities that start from our kitchen tables and web out. Today, Naomi returns to help us leave well, both personally and professionally, by showing us how to proactively design our legacy. More importantly, Naomi shares ways we can reduce the trauma on the “Stayers” – AKA the people left behind – and ensure everybody feels seen. What You’ll Learn in this Episode: The red thread of your life Sewing your values into your day-to-day actions When it’s unsafe to be transparent about leaving Acknowledging that endings are inevitable “Why do you get to leave?” Listen to the Full Episode: Featured on the Show: Are you part of an organization that’s about to make an ambitious shift in 2023? Do you want to establish smoother leadership transitions to shield team from trauma-filled exits? Let’s chat! Sundae’s Website Sundae’s Facebook Business Page – Sundae Schneider-Bean LLC Sundae Bean – YouTube Naomi Hattaway – LinkedIn Naomi Hattaway – Website  Leaving Well by Jerry Jones Omaha City Counci How much time do you have … #LeavingWell Catch These Podcasts / Articles: Necessary Endings by Dr. Henry Cloud EP254: Your Last Gift with Ifeoma Ibekwe EP181: Linking Arms with Naomi Hattaway EP12: Community and Triangles with Naomi Hattaway We’re delighted to be in the Top 5 of the global Best 30 Expat Podcasts! Subscribe: iTunes | Android Full Episode Transcript: Transcript Hello, it is 8:00 am in New York, 3:00 pm in Johannesburg, and 8:00 pm in Bangkok. Welcome to IN TRANSIT with Sundae Bean. I am an intercultural strategist, transformation facilitator, and solution-oriented coach, and I am on a mission to help you adapt & succeed through ANY life transition.   I’m on such a mission. I barely have my voice today and I’m still showing up to talk to our very special guest today.   I haven’t even had the interview yet and I’ve already had a paradigm shift with our guest today. Now, if you know this podcast, IN TRANSIT or if you were already a listener back, when we were Expat Happy Hour, you do know our special guest Naomi Hattaway. Let me welcome you to IN TRANSIT again for the third time.    Naomi: Thank you. I’m so I did for this conversation. It’s going to be rich.    Sundae: Well, like I said, I already had a paradigm shift I’m going to tell people about it, but let me tell them a little bit more about you before we dive in. Now, this episode has a special focus on leaving well, and specifically leadership transitions. And Naomi is perfect for this based on her personal experience and professional experience. Naomi Hattaway is ionate about community building, diversity, and accessibility in online and physical spaces. She previously served in executive leadership at Habitat for Humanity in Omaha and Front Porch Investments. She also led the COVID-19 eviction prevention and rental assistance program. So you can see the work that she does is deep into the community. And in 2020-2021, the winter plan for non-congregate shelter efforts in Omaha, Nebraska.    She’s a licensed realtor. There’s the connection to living spaces and ran for the Omaha City Council in West Omaha in 2021. She serves on the board of directors for several organizations and consults with organizations on their communication strategies as well as inclusive program design board effectiveness and housing solutions. Recently, she launched #LeavingWell consulting, I’ve even watched her leave well in a recent life transition, a practice for individuals or organizations and board of directors in periods of transition. Which provides protection for organizational assets, purposeful knowledge transfers, and stability for “The Stayers” which is often overlooked and for those leaving.  So Naomi, thank you for ing us.    Naomi: I’m so excited. It’s always so interesting to listen to your bio being read back because it’s always like, “Oh!” And that’s part of what we’ll probably talk about today is planning ahead for the legacy that you want to leave. And so thanks for having me on.    Sundae: And the thing is, if people haven’t listened to the former podcast with Naomi, you might not know. This is something she doesn’t just teach others about, she’s lived this for her life, right? You might have listened to our episode 181: Linking Arms, where we talk about being in transition together in community. And way back in 2017 we talked about this process of living globally mobile lives, which is inherently connected to leaving well and being a good “Stayer.” So, you have this on so many levels. Just deeply embedded in yourself. I know that.    All right, Naomi. So one of the things I wanted to tell the audience today is I’ve already had a paradigm shift and we haven’t even talked about it. Naomi and I were together speaking just over WhatsApp quickly about this episode and what we could talk about. And Naomi, you talked about this idea of legacy and leadership. And, for me, maybe I’m naive, but I always thought about legacy, like what you leave behind after you serve, and if you’ve done In a good job, you leave a wonderful legacy, right? And what you’re telling me is that a legacy is actually, you have an opportunity to think of it as a path you set forth in advance and with intention. So can you say more about that?   Naomi:  Yeah. And I first need to give some deference and some props to our mutual friend Jerry Jones, who wrote about the concept of leaving well and kind of brought it to the forefront in of expat life, in of the moving and the leaving well. I had a lovely chat with Jerry and said, “Do you mind if I kind of take that and put it into this leadership space?” So I just wanted to give a shout out to Jerry.   Going to the concept of that legacy my husband and I when we moved to New Delhi, India, he kept saying to me, “It’s like you’re on this 100 year plan.” And I’m like, “What are you talking about?” And he said, “I go,” in his work, “from the airport to work, to the office to home, back to the office, to the airport.” He travels a lot and he said, and that legacy that, what I’m leaving behind is a shorter runway. So he’s in private aviation world, serving things very aviation based, but he said, “My runway is shorter on the legacy that I’m leaving.” He said, “Your work is creating legacy 100 years deep into the future.”    And we’ve been riffing on that a little bit as a family and I’ve been thinking about it in my life, if we flip the switch and toggle forward-thinking instead of only in the back, that lets us lay out this beautiful runway of, “What do you want your legacy to be? How do you want it to align to your values?” And then you can pull in whatever you’re working on. A project. A team you’re working with. Whether it’s an individual journey. Whether it’s even as simple as preparing for your own death, which is something we all have to face. You can then lean into your values and lean into a way that really does create that legacy.    So a lot of times we also think about the red thread of our life and looking back, what are the things that that that stay true as we navigate different things and navigate different projects and experiences. And we always look back and say, “Well, that’s the red thread.” My personal red thread is around housing stability and community. Well, if I instead flip that to the future, how does everything else that I do in my life, how can that contribute to my legacy? And I think it comes back to Sundae, it may feel morbid for people who haven’t thought about it but if we are all going to die one day, what if we instead looked at our remaining time on this earth as intentional and purposeful? So that you could almost, and this is where it sounds a little morbid, if you think about what you want people to say about you at your funeral or at your celebration of life, we can design that today. We could design what people will say in our future, today.    And so I think there’s some, there’s some real meaningful opportunities there to have the legacy before. We’re thinking, instead of just the reverse.   Sundae: Well, I think it ties into my idea about how I want to live abroad without regrets. I’m gonna live without regrets and not that we don’t make mistakes and wish we had been more savvy, it doesn’t mean that. It means, how do we live intentionally? And there’s this word, this word legacy, I find, I’ve also heard another context and people feel shy to even think about the word legacy because it’s like legacy is only deserving to the famous, only deserving to the super successful. And when I hear you talk about legacy, I’m actually hearing it in a lens of, let’s just be really intentional about living our values and the impact we want to make.    Naomi: Well and how do you want to be known? I think that at our core we all crave a place where we can belong and we all crave to be known for who we are. Well, if we actually get to design a little bit of that, how much more power does that give us? And it can be, it can be kind of in a small little box. It can be that I want my legacy to be that I was kind. And how much pressure does that take off? Just to take kindness into everything that you do in the future? Or it can be big things. It could be, it could have numbers and metrics attached to it. It could be that it could be something huge. Like in my legacy, I want it to be that I impacted homelessness and the prevention of that. So I think you can play around with it a little bit, right?    I think the other beauty of creating a legacy intentionally and thoughtfully is that you can bring your loved ones into the mix and ask them, “Am I living into this? Will you help hold me able and check me when you notice that I’m strained from what I want my legacy to be?” So, yeah, I think that’s powerful and I think then the other thing too, is we all need to take this into , even if you don’t think that you’re in a space that you hold a lot of decision-making power or a lot of control over your destiny. And I kind of air quote that because we all do have that control. We need to be thinking about it actively and regularly because we can’t think about it when the time comes, we have to be thinking about it proactively.    Sundae: So, tell me more about how you came to focus on this. I mean what was it that led you to this clarity?    Naomi: So you know, it’s interesting. I have been in the last three to four years, I’ve been diving and dipping in and out of other people’s systems. So I’ve been a project manager that has come in to help accomplish something. I’ve been asked to come in and help fix or come in and help steady. And I’ve just been realizing that I think that part of the problem is that we are churning out leadership folks that don’t prep for their own legacy. And so then we’re all just kind of flailing in the wind. And then not only that. But we have kind of this broken system where people leave a project or a thing or a role or an organization and they haven’t prepped to leave. And so then they can’t also work on staying well the next place. And then the other piece that’s really tragic is that we don’t help ready or steady the ship for the people that are staying, whenever that transition happens.    So I think it happened, Sundae, because I was privy to but not emotionally connected to all of the trauma that’s happening as people leave projects, or as people try so hard to valiantly show up every day for their work. But there’s no purpose, there’s no riverbanks, there’s no like guideposts. And that’s kind of where it was like, “Oh, well, we’re forgetting our values. We’re forgetting why we said ‘yes’ to this project or the job in the first place.” And then when we don’t why we said, “Yes.” And we also don’t have riverbanks that guide our work. It just kind of it makes it messy. Give you an example.    Someone called me recently and said, “I think that I’m going to be leaving in the next six to nine months. I’m just tired. I think I’ve done my job and I’d want to know what you would suggest for me.” And I said, “Well, the first thing you need to do is get a big sticky paper and write out all of the things that you wanted to do when you first started this job. Start identifying the things that you’ve accomplished. And then what’s left? What are the things that you wish you wanted? That you really want to do.” And in that way, her next six to nine months can be so laser focused on two or three of those things so that when she leaves, she knows that she has done what she meant to do. And then it also sets up again, how does she want to be known as she leaves this, this next role?   Sundae: Yes, it’s such a different energy than, like, waiting it out. You know, if we take it from a globally mobile space, right? When you’re like, “Oh we have the next assignment, we’re leaving in 6 months,” you almost like check out energetically and emotionally. And you’re just like, you’re gone, you’re gone, you disconnect. And what you’re saying is, “No, that’s when you dig deep.”    Naomi: I think you can do both. I think you can dig deep. So to use the example of being a globally mobile person who has the next assignment coming, we do check out. And you start, you get your timeline that you use the last move and you start checking the boxes of what you need to do for the next role for the next location. But I think we are so resilient as humans. We can also dig deep in the place that we are currently. Going back to Jerry’s leaving well concept, there’s all of these like real time solutions that you can implement.    For us, when we’ve moved locations, we make sure that we go back to the favorite places. We make sure that we go back to say goodbye to our favorite wait staff. We make sure that we take photographs of the things that really matter to us. And so those things can also be applied to the leaving well concept in our careers, our professional lives.    I think also you know when you think about leaving a place, most often you have a relationship with the people that you work with or even a relationship to the outcomes that you were tasked with. And if you don’t say goodbye to those things and I think that sounds a little like, whoo. But if you don’t intentionally say, “Thank you.” Thanks for what you brought to me. Thank you for the opportunity to have this moment. This outcome, this work.” I think that it also doesn’t set us up for success in the thing. So, there’s a lot of reasons to leave well and make it a practice.    Sundae: Yeah. And I think it would absolutely change the quality of your weeks, right? Instead of being bogged down by like the operational demands, it adds another layer. And what I’m hearing is when you’re living in alignment with your values and you have personal purpose and meaning in what you’re doing, it changes how you engage in your operational day-to-day.    Naomi: Well and think about too, the difference between if you imagine a typical office setting. I know folks are doing remote and people are doing virtual work now. But if you think of a typical office setting where traditionally people are sharing the same space, think of the outright difference between someone who has checked out and has another 30 or 60 days, versus someone who’s coming in and saying, “I have this much time left. What can we do today? How can I help you today? To make sure that you have what you need.” It just shifts everything. And not only that but it becomes this really beautiful opportunity for modeling behavior and then the ripple effect of leaving well with the folks that stay, whether they know it or not they’ll pick up on that same energy. It also helps them welcome the next person in a much different way than if there hadn’t been intention. So it just becomes this really holistic and beautiful opportunity.   Sundae: Exactly. So what if you already have a leadership position and you haven’t thought forward. You’re like actually it’s a great idea, but where do I start?    Naomi: So I think it goes back to the values. I think there’s all sorts of places that you can get a list of common values. So I would encourage everyone to Google, list of values. It’ll pop up and you can spend some time circling the things that pop out to you in our really immediate values that you identify with and then pull the top three to four of them. And then that into a document, make it a living document. A Google doc or whatever you can use that, maybe it’s handwritten. But start to identify how those overlap and how you already see those in your day-to-day life.    So for me, one of mine is kindness. So if kindness is a value for me, am I bringing that to work every day? Am I bringing it to the way that I schedule a meeting? So for me, this sounds very, very rudimentary, but a kindness value for me lives out when I schedule a meeting, I make sure that I have a pre-read. So if you don’t already know about my organization, here’s a link in the calendar invite, and here’s the agenda that we’re going to talk about. And by the way, I only schedule for 45 minutes so that you have time for a bio break for your next.    So that seems like it’s like, “Oh, that would be lovely.” But it goes back to very intentionally. I’ve done it because of the kindness value is something that I want to live into. So what happens then is when I leave a project, if people say, “What would you say about Naomi?” “Oh she was kind, she only ever scheduled 45 minutes.” And I always that. So I think you can just take it bit by bit. Find those values that you identify with for your life and then start to see how you can attach them to your work.    The other thing I think I would say for someone who’s currently in a role and thinks, oh maybe there’s no time or it feels too hard of a slog. If you think about the things that you were excited about when he first took the role or when you first were asked to apply for the job. What were the things that were so exciting? Oftentimes, we lose those and they fall to the bottom of the pile because the day-to-day operations take over. So ing those things and seeing, can you invite those things back? Can you invite the excitement back? What are the things that felt too big that someone told you you couldn’t accomplish and so you set those to the side? Revisit those, because those things can also be legacy.    One other thing I’ll say Sundae and this is a very practical  set of advice. But the most beautiful way you can leave well is to set up a structure or framework so that those that come behind you don’t have to do so much work to keep it going. So, that’s another really practical thing you can do is start to lay out a framework of, where does someone find the things that I’ve put together? Where does someone find the frameworks that I’ve laid, so that that can be left behind as well?    Sundae: Mmm, so good and I wanted to just mention here, we’ve talked about an office, right, but there’s so many other ways that we lead whether its corporate context or in the community organization, a religious or spiritual community, that I think these ideas definitely apply beyond let’s say a corporate context, right?   Naomi: Yeah.  Sundae: I just think how much power this has to create more meaning in your everyday life, right?    Naomi: Well, and if you think about too, so you mentioned community organizing and that’s a really good example. Often times something will happen in our world or in our private spaces, or in our small communities, where we have a reaction to something. And I won’t name examples because they could, depending on your audience, people will have different reactions. But think of a thing that makes you react. You know, like, “Oh my gosh, we cannot have this in our community. I am going to go fight the good fight.” I can guarantee you that for everything that you have that visceral reaction to, someone has already been working on it. You’re not the first. And so the problem though is that the people that have been working on it before you maybe didn’t leave artifacts? Maybe they didn’t think the trail that you can go pick up on. And so, that’s another really beautiful way that we can step into and embody leadership in this leaving well, is that if you’re working on something, leave something behind. Leave the little breadcrumbs, leave an artifact of some sort that people can then pick up the mantle and then carry forward.   So I think that goes back to kind of that framework and the structure. Scaffolding almost if you will. And then this is leadership by preparation. I think comes into play when we think about our end-of-life planning and how well we can leave a legacy that way.    Sundae: My whole body just like shuts down when you start talking about that because I’m like, “Not going to happen.” Like I know I just completely go into like denial.   Naomi: I know. I know. And you know what I think. I think that for all of us as humans we have The most ability, we have the highest ability to attach when something’s happened to us. And so I did not fully understand how important this was until I was asked to manage my uncle’s estate. And it was like, “oh if only he had done…If only he had thought forward about his legacy.” Because part of his legacy could have been, “I’ve organized it for you all so that you are not having to scramble and argue and grieve.”    So that all you have to do as part of my legacy is grieve and .  Shutting down is the natural reaction and itching into it just a little bit more to say, “Okay. It’s going to happen. What’s the small thing I can do to help protect that legacy?”    Sundae: I’m actually going to put a link to a podcast episode I did with an expert on estate planning to help keep this conversation going and to keep myself able. Because it is. It’s an act of love to prepare for your loved one’s. To take that he’s away. I’ve also been privy to what happens when you are responsible for the estate. And it’s like a second job for six months, right? So you work full-time during the day and then you go home at night and you do that for six months and that’s heavy, it’s heavy.    Naomi: It is heavy. And not only that, it goes back to that what are we asking others to do because we didn’t plan for our legacy? So it’s in the job space, it’s in our personal spaces, and it’s in that end-of-life space. So if I have not prepared for my kind of life, I’m asking my family to bear the brunt of that when all they should be doing is grieving and celebrating. In a professional space, if I haven’t prepared for my legacy, I’m asking others to pick up the slack for my absence, and their own jobs and prepare for the new person coming in. So there’s a way that we can bring in caretaking for each other, community care, and protecting our legacy and preparing for it.   Sundae: It makes me want to ask something kind of pragmatic. When someone’s going to leave an organization is actually nobody’s business until you make that decision, right? But once you do, and it’s officially communicated, a lot of people are implicated. What do you think about people being transparent about thinking about leaving before they’ve actually made that decision?    Naomi: So I’m glad you brought that up. So every time that I have managed a team, whether I’m the official manager, or I’m project managing I say right off of the bat endings are inevitable. So we are all going to leave. None of us, literally, none of us still have our first job. If that’s true and then we can say, “Well endings are inevitable, how can we plan now? So people get a little bit weirded out about this. But when I first come into a project team management situation, I say, “Let’s all get our resumes out. Have you updated it? Is your current work that you’re doing on your resume?” And they’re like, “Why would it be on my… I don’t have plans to leave.” But it’s in that very practical like, “Well, then let’s all stop and do that together. Let’s come back to the next meeting and make sure that we’ve updated our resumes.”    And that’s just kind of lets everyone breathe a little bit easier. Like, “Oh, let’s all just get prepared together,” so it’s not this one sneaky suspicion that someone might be leaving. The other thing that I think is a really practical way to do it is to just talk about, in the US we call them SOPs, Standard Operating Procedures. A simple check of, what are the two top things that we should get on paper right now in case something happens to one of us? I think we can talk about it in that way too. It doesn’t have to be a transparency that I am planning on leaving. It can just be, we should protect the organization by making sure that if and when one of us leaves, we’ve got some things in place.    Having said that though, I do value for folks who can, I think there’s a lot of folks who are in working situations where they’re not safe to be transparent about their leaving. But there’s a way that you can word everything to say, like even just too say like, “Gosh, we’re all gonna end up leaving someday. So what is it that we could do today to best protect the organization.” And that doesn’t bring up any red flags, I don’t think, my to protect the organization. Of course, everyone would want to.    The other thing that I think that is really, really helpful is for managing leaders. So people who have people under their care to ask, “What is it about your job that you want to lean into more? What is it about your role that you’re not having growth opportunities?” And that can also start that conversation about what might be next. And I learned this when I was doing volunteering, I would raise my hand for everything, and not until I realized that if I sat on my hand, it gave someone else an opportunity. And so I think we could shift our thought process there. As well being in a position, we can outlive our positions and so someone may be else should come in, which makes it a little bit more natural to talk about leaving. Not a negative.   Sundae: Absolutely. I one of my leaders that I had years ago on my first day, he was like, “So for you to really make a contribution, I’d expect you to stay for two or three years.” It was just really liberating to hear, to have that conversation about expectations and open the door of, “You will probably move on one day,” right? And I appreciate that. I’ve had two people who have said that like, “For this to be worth it for us and for you, let’s try to commit to this timeframe.” And I think that’s nice.   Naomi: From a human resources, people perspective, it costs an organization so much money to have to fill a position. And so if there’s a little bit more transparency on the front end of like, “Let’s talk through.”    We’ve talked a lot about the leaders. Do you mind if we shift our attention a bit to the “Stayers?” So what do we need to know?    Naomi: Well, I think that there’s a feeling of abandonment and feeling of, I think it’s very easy for “Stayers” to feel it it’s personal. I think even if we look at it from a globally mobile perspective of changing postal codes and zip codes the “Stayers” often feel like they’ve been left behind. And so, I think that there’s really beautiful ways in a corporate or in a professional work setting to just acknowledge that that is true and it is normal to feel abandonment. I think there’s also a lot of times feelings come up of jealousy, and being kind of at a covetous space of like, “Why do they get to leave? And why am I stuck? Or why do I have to stay?”    So I think for “Stayers” I think the one thing that I would suggest is if those feelings especially of jealousy come up, what is it that’s keeping you from exploring? What might be next and what is it that’s keeping you from wanting to also protect and create your own legacy? Don’t make it a victim mentality. You can honor the feelings but then move right into doing the exact same thing. Identify your values. Do your value still align with your project or your role or your company that you’re with?    The other thing I would suggest and this is going to feel maybe not so great or effusive. But offer to the person who’s leaving, ask them what they need in order to help them leave well. Oftentimes it would be something like, “Can you help me build this framework? Can you help me capture and document the artifact?” And that also then becomes resume builder. If you’re the person that helped provide that structure, if you’re the person that helped bridge that transition that also helps if you want to stay in the future of your organization. If you’re the one that helped create stability, make sure that that’s known. Step into that space.    The other thing, I think that’s really important for “Stayers” is to just be present, notice, and listen. There’s a lot of trauma that comes with transition even when it’s done well. And I think for folks that stay behind, listen for the opportunities where you can provide to each other, be present about how you’re feeling, and how you’re showing up. And then I guess I would just say again, it’s an opportunity to check in with your values and make sure that they’re still aligned.    Sundae: Right? Exactly, that’s great. And honestly, it’s so obvious when I hear it now, but I don’t know if people are using that same transition lens.   Naomi. I don’t think so. No, I don’t think so. But it comes back to your question like, where did that come from that we assume that loyalty is the kingpin of what we are g up for when we take a job or a role or a project? I think about there’s another example I can give, I was volunteering for a women’s circle is the easiest way to explain it. I was in a president role and you serve for two years. Well, I knew a year ago that I needed to be done. And so I could have either stuck it out, slogged for it, counting down the days. Almost like, making paper chains–    Sundae: Yes for Christmas.    Naomi: Yes could have had like a chain probably of like, “One more day done. Thank goodness.” Or I could make the paper chain and on each one of them have something that I wanted to intentionally do that day. So I did that and I laid out the year and I dug in really, really deeply on:   How did I want the remaining leadership team to feel when I left? How did I want them to feel on my last meeting?    Then I backed that out. So if the outcome was this: How do I want to feel?  How do I want them to feel?    Then I backed it out over the course of time that I had and then it became really, really practical small little things every day that led up to and connected to a really good leaving well.   Sundae: I mean these are all very familiar coaching practices of like creating the visualization of it and then working back and checking in, the ability and it actually doesn’t take that much time.    Naomi: It doesn’t take that much time. And I think one thing that might be helpful for anyone listening is the common response I get is, “But my boss would never go for this.” Or, ”It’s going to feel weird if I suggest this.” You just have to do it anyway. So I think what I would suggest, any time you have a concept that you can name, it makes other people curious or it lets people kind of embrace it. So it literally physically say, “I would like to try practicing leaving well. And what that means for me is…” and then you fill in the blank. I guarantee you that there’s going to be some interest and some intrigue, and some curiosity. At the very minimum, they’ll be like, “Okay, cool, whatever.” They’ll be like, “Sure, you do what you need to do.” And then just naming things signaling that out lets people start to adopt it and before you know it, they’ll also start to be intrigued by it. And they’ll be ready to kind of come alongside you, link arms with you, and the leaving well process.    I left a job a couple of years ago and I said, every time, “As I leave, I want to make sure I leave well. As I leave, I want to make sure I leave well. As I exit, I want to make sure that you felt that I’ve left well.” And just you know, the boss who is still there calls me on a regular basis and says, “You know someone else just left and they left well.” So we , right? And so if you just name it and speak it, it’ll be a lot easier for other people to come along.    There’s also some books and some recommendations of ways that you can kind of inject it, Necessary Endings by Dr. Henry Cloud is a fabulous book. The First 90 Days. The button up summary is when you’re intentional about how you leave you are setting yourself up to not only enter the next thing well, but you’re also creating a ripple effect for those that stay behind.   Sundae: Well, and there’s a couple of the things I keep going back to purpose and meaning, it just seems so much more meaningful and that is rewarding for everybody. The other thing is, it doesn’t take very much time. It’s literally just this intention 20 minutes here, half an hour there to get clear.   Naomi: And I think about from a hiring organization’s perspective as well, they want good apples, if you think of the bad apples ruin the whole entire barrel concept, they want good apples to leave because that reflects back on their organization. So, if I’ve left well and if my organization as allowed me to leave well, I will likely talk about that organization in much higher and in much more glowing ways than if I hadn’t left well. And so, it’s really in everyone’s best interest to practice, and it’s a practice. It has to be formed.    And the other thing too is there’s no one way to do it. It’s going to look different for everyone but I think you hit the nail on the head when you said it doesn’t take that much time.    Sundae: I just why aren’t we doing the things that will make such an impact that are so light. And it’s also not expensive, you can do some of these reflections on your own. Yes, you can work with a coach, but it’s about intentionality.    Naomi: Maybe it’s a list of s, maybe it’s a list of the things that I didn’t get done yet. But here’s the framework that I started. So there’s all sorts of ways that you can set yourself up to with having a list to reflect on that also doesn’t cost much money.    Sundae: I just think about often when we come into a new position, we’re very focused on understanding the organization delivering. And we don’t go on the mental level. So, I think it’s wonderful. This conversation, I’m just thinking about intentionality, I’m thinking about values. How can we talk about knowing– How do I know when it’s time to go?    Naomi: Yeah, so it’s going to be uniquely personal for everybody, but if we lean into our intuition in our gut, we all know. We all know when there’s something that doesn’t quite align anymore, and I will be really intentional in saying, non-alignment isn’t always icky. It’s not always something that feels terrible or is negative or feels tiresome. Sometimes a non-alignment is either a calling to something else. I wouldn’t say a higher thing, but It’s a calling to something else or just a natural shift in organization as it has different leadership in place. Or as it has a null say leadership by title or as their mission shifts. It might just be that you start pulling away.    So I think that often we assume that a no longer fit is bad. No longer fit can also be really, really empowering and really beautiful. If we are so aligned with what our values are, we will know. And when you know, I think that’s an opportunity to go back to whatever your self-care or whatever your personal wellbeing things are. Whether it’s journaling, time with friends, time outside. Ratchet that up a notch. If you have that feeling of knowing that it’s time, spend some self-awareness time to check in.   The other thing that I think is not often talked about is sometimes it’s time to go and we know because someone else is a better fit. If you have someone that reports to you or that works with you, that you see might be a better fit for what you’re working on. That’s also a really, really incredible leadership opportunity to say, “Maybe it’s this person.” And that’s an opportunity to have really, really beautiful leaving well conversations inside of your organization or project. To say, “I want to maybe flag that this person would be great for this role.” That’s a powerful leaving well opportunity, if you know.   Sundae: Yeah, absolutely. And I also just want to use this opportunity to also say thank you to you when I was in a transition with my community, right? With my podcast. I wasn’t leaving anybody. But I was leaving one sort of scope and moving into the other and that’s what you and I talked about during that time is processing, like, how do I feel about that? It wasn’t a misalignment, it was just a shift, a shift. And then, how do I do that? And how do I do that intentionally and with care? And so, that I’ve had your on that process and I know how much that helped with that transition.    So we’ve talked about it from like it organizational perspective. And I would even say that’s valuable within your own business, right? If you’re shifting even your niche or who you work with those same principles also apply.    Sundae: Do you mind if we turn the attention to you a little bit, you’ve given us so much on these concepts of leaving well and being good “Stayers.” Also, how an organization can really nurture that process. But I want to know a little bit about your own process right now. Now that I have Ambitious Transformation in Transition, do you mind telling us a little bit about what is in transition for you right now? What? Which ones are you feeling? Yeah, so say more.    Naomi: So transformation that I’m currently experiencing. So in my personal life, we have just moved, we moved from a two household situation, and combined our households back into one location. So that’s been an interesting transition. I’m also In the process of leaving employment to go to a contract position. So I’m changing the legal status of how I interact with my work and it’s interesting because that felt like not a big deal. It’s just a legal status, I’m no longer an employee, I’ll be a contractor but it has caused or has given me an opportunity to really lean into practicing leaving well, because I’m leaving a team behind. They feel that they’re being left behind in a certain way. And so, It’s been a beautiful way to practice that transition.    I’m also working towards a transition of just literally how I live my life. You brought up the concept of ease before and ease is something that I am chasing so so valiantly. I want my mornings to be full of ease. I want my decisions to be more at ease. And it goes back to the values and riverbanks. If I know that this is what I stand for or this is the work that I want to do, it makes the “nos” so much easier, and there’s so many other people out there who can do the work that I say no to. So, that’s a transition for me. When I reflect back, I’ve lived a lot of my life in chaos and franticness and fast-paced. Need to do it all need to have it all and I’m really pushing all of that to the side. So that’s been a transition that will be ongoing. I know it will be a journey but I’m inviting welcoming and chasing ease.   Sundae: I’ve watched you live that. I’ve watched, you have all of the things. All of the good things but then make choices make tough choices to get to where you’re at right now. So what is ambitious for you right now? As you know, I define ambitious as has to be outside of scope or scale of any sort of definition. It has to come from you. So what is ambitious for you?    Naomi: So what’s the first thing I thought of when you said that about what’s ambitious, I’m writing a book, and while that might not seem super ambitious.   Sundae:  Are you kidding me?    Naomi: I mean, I write. And so like you know, if anyone who’s a blog writer or constantly is in writing spaces to write a book, it seemed initially to me like, “Oh, I yeah, I’ll do that.” But what I’m finding is that because it is part memoir, there’s a lot of healing that is going to take place that I wasn’t prepared for. I’m also going to combine the tarot, the major arcana with this book. And so there’s a lot of research that I’m not accustomed to. I’ve always written kind of from the heart and from the hip.  And so the ambitious piece is coming in needing to really plug into doing right by this book. And I think that feels ambitious to me to lean into the hard and lean into what doesn’t come naturally. So that I can put out this thing and do right by it.    Sundae: That’s so exciting. I can’t wait to hear more.    Naomi: So well I printed I printed the manuscript someone said, “Do not let it just live digitally. You need to print the manuscript and hold it.” And oh my goodness. That was a huge shift.    Sundae: Oh, I bet that felt amazing too.    Naomi: It felt amazing and terrifying too.    Sundae: Well, you have to keep us posted on that. And we will put links to all of your spaces and places, and please come back to us when the book is live so that we can also include that their. You have so much to offer Naomi. And I get all teary when I talk about it now. But you know, I met You in 2018 and in person, although I knew of you before. And you have always, of course, you’re talking about leadership, you came talking about community before. You’ve just lived all of these principles so fully and so future-oriented, that’s something I’ve always respected about you. And you do the right things, even though they’re the hard things. And that’s something I really appreciate. And it’s so interesting that you bring in ease in the heart, if that makes sense. Like you do already bring in ease, at least four others. That’s something you see you do all the time. So you being a role model for this, you living that also sets a path for other people and you’ve been laying that path for me and many moments of my own life and I just wanted to say thank you. Because I don’t know if you realize how much of an impact that’s made.    Naomi: Thank you.  Sundae: So thank you. I did that without getting to teary. All right, so I think it’s about time, we have to close up here. I think we need to talk about this more. I think we can look at where we’re leaders in our life and apply that immediately. I think as “Stayers” we also have agency. Even if the leader doesn’t want to leave well, we can also do that. And I am just so grateful. So thank you everyone for listening to IN TRANSIT with Sundae Bean. Always a pleasure to have you here with me. I’ll leave you with the words of Tim McGraw: “We all take different paths in life, but no matter where we go, we take a little of each other everywhere.”     Enjoy The Show? Don’t miss an episode, subscribe via iTunes or RSS. Please leave us a review in iTunes (or here for Android). The post 297: Legacy by Design with Naomi Hattaway appeared first on Sundae Schneider-Bean, LLC..

Never, and I mean not once since the beginning of time, has a person who’s under duress calmed down as a result of being told to calm down. When someone you care about is exhibiting stress, instructing them to “just relax” is one of the worst things you can do. So, how can you be ive and help bring them to the other side of the stress episode? As a start, clarify what they’re asking for by reframing what they’re saying or by summarizing their behavior. Then, look into the mirror to do your own work. Are you judgemental about their stress response? Does the physiological state that you carry into the room impact the situation in a positive way or are you throwing gasoline on the fire? This week, for the first part of our Intentional Bean Pod, I’m ed by a true blast from the past, Parijat Deshpande. She was my guest back on episode EIGHT, and I’ve since had the pleasure to watch her popularity surge across the internet. (And rightfully so.) Parijat is a trauma-informed health strategist, high-risk pregnancy specialist, somatic trauma professional, speaker, and best-selling author. An advocate for women, Parijat’s book, Pregnancy Brain: A Mind-Body Approach to Stress Management During a High-Risk Pregnancy fearlessly addresses subject matter others dismiss.  Today, Parijat shares a few of her healing techniques as we explore the lesser-known effects of stress and trauma on the body. Parijat also will guide us on what to do and what not to do when taking on a ive role for others. What You’ll Learn in this Episode: The Salutogenic Approach When a high bar is the right bar ing how to be a good mammal The ambition to play by your own rules What if it’s not your fault? Listen to the Full Episode: Featured on the Show: IN TRANSIT with Sundae Bean will be celebrating its 300th episode soon and I am beyond ecstatic! I would love to hear from you on what the 300th episode topic should be. Please complete this short questionnaire and let us know. Sundae’s Website Sundae’s Facebook Business Page – Sundae Schneider-Bean LLC Sundae Bean – YouTube Parijat Deshpande – Website Pregnancy Brain Somatic Trauma Healing Mind-Body Medicine We’re delighted to be in the Top 5 of the global Best 30 Expat Podcasts! Subscribe: iTunes | Android Full Episode Transcript: Transcript Hello, it is 10:00 am in New York, 4:00 pm in Johannesburg, and 9:00 pm in Bangkok. Welcome to IN TRANSIT with Sundae Bean. I am an intercultural strategist, transformation facilitator, and solution-oriented coach, and I am on a mission to help you adapt & succeed through ANY life transition.   When I think about it, probably the scariest life transition I’ve ever been in, it’s definitely this journey into becoming a mother. The whole pregnancy about; “How is this going to work? Will it work?” The labor itself. And then those first moments when you have that child in your arms has definitely been a process of surrender for me and I had a healthy normal pregnancy.  I can’t imagine what it would be like if you are in a pregnancy that comes after pregnancy loss or you’re in a high-risk pregnancy. That is another level of dealing with surrender and trying to control what you can and let go of what you can’t.    So, to us today, we have an expert, Parijat Deshpande, who helps others during their process when they’re with neonatal loss, birth trauma, and more. So first, let me welcome you Parijat back to the podcast.    Parijat: Hi Sundae. I’m so glad to be here.    Sundae: So Parijat was with us way back in episode 8. Please do not go back and listen to episode 8. *laughter*   Parijat: *laughter*   Sundae: Parijat was amazing. I was very much a beginner at podcasting. So let me reintroduce Parijat for those of you who are not familiar with her work. She is a trauma-informed health strategist, high-risk pregnancy specialist, somatic trauma professional, best-selling author, it’s so cool to watch your book just get popular across the internet. Speaker, advocate for women who’ve been through second or third trimester loss, preterm delivery, neonatal loss, birth trauma, and those who are preparing for high-risk pregnancy.    That’s some big stuff, Parijat. You are by people’s sides in times of so much surrender and so much uncertainty, gosh. I mean, I can’t imagine how it feels to do the work that you do.    Parijat: It’s truly as you know, I do this work because of my personal experience of having gone through it and so, to be there for others, in the way that I wished I’d had somebody for me feels like why I’m on this Earth. And so, every single client and family and this new life that they’re fighting to create and bring into this world and then bring home, it just feels like such an honor every single time, every single time.    Sundae: I have so many questions about your own process behind that because I know you’re so impacted as a professional when you do that work. But before we do that, I want to just say a little bit more about what you do. One of the reasons why I want to bring you on is because you specialize in Somatic Trauma Healing, I want you to help us understand what that is in a second. Somatic Trauma Healing Integrative Health, and Mind-Body Medicine. I was super interested because you helped guide women to restore balance and their nervous system, their endocrine system, and their immune system to reduce the risk of pregnancy complications and preterm delivery in the next pregnancy. That’s massive. You do so much.    Sundae: So you use the word “somatic” and not everybody understands what that is. Do you mind just giving a quick sort of definition of what somatic work is?    Parijat: Oh sure. Yeah, somatic work just means body based. So it means body first, thoughts later and what it needs to include in its purest form is, as I mentioned earlier, all parts of the body. So we are doing access to all branches of the nervous system. We are accessing and utilizing our musculature, our faccia, our ts, our ligaments, our tendons, movement, posture, we’re doing all aspects of the body to really get deep down to the cellular level of what it is that our body is telling us. And then what does it need? And then giving us that. So, we can complete that stress physiology cycle that we’ve been stuck in.      Sundae: Can you tell us a little bit more about your approach? I know you say you’re trauma-informed, you’ve got a neurobiological approach to optimizing their health and their care. Can you just share a little bit about what you do and how that is connected to your mission to ending prematurity and improving pregnancy outcomes worldwide?    Parijat: Absolutely. So when we look at the top 10 reasons, top 10 most common reasons for preterm delivery, on that list among smoking and recreational drug use, and various other factors is stress. Now when we hear the word stress, people often balk at that and say, “What? I didn’t cause my preterm delivery!” As somebody who has a micro preemie, I get that, I get that. And also, I think that having been the patient, it really opened my eyes to how much that actually does play a role, not stress, as in what I’m thinking and what I’m doing and how I’m at fault. But stress physiology. What is actually happening in our body when we say the word “stress.” And so it is in that vein that I started diving into this world of neuro-endo immune work and the integrative approach and the neurobiological approach because what I was very interested in is like I said, “What’s happening inside the body?”    When we say the word “stress,” when we say that, somebody is stressed, especially in pregnancy, what does that actually mean, right? Because we’re only seeing the tip of the iceberg, but something’s happening underneath that is impacting health. And we know this outside of pregnancy and I was particularly interested in pregnancy. And so my approach truly is looking at the nervous system and all aspects of the nervous system. So often times when I say the word nervous system, people think we do deep breathing and that’s absolutely not what we do because that’s it’s not a part of the body that we actually need to regulate, it can regulate on its own.    So what we are focused on is the state of the nervous system and the impact that that state has on all other body systems, including the endocrine system, which monitors hormones, as well as the immune system, which plays a significant role in the health of pregnancy. And what research has found is that triad and how the three of them work together and especially how dynamic they need to be in pregnancy because the state that they are in pre-pregnancy and their relationship to each other is different than first trimester, then second trimester, then third trimester. We have to allow for a body to be able to do that dance with those three systems.    So I sometimes use an analogy of a three-legged stool, but it’s actually not that static. We’re really looking at three different elements that actually do this beautiful dance together to a healthy pregnancy. When we are in a body where the nervous system has identified a threat and shifted the body into a survival state, that dance changes, and that change actually impacts the health of the pregnancy and potentially maternal, as well as fetal outcomes. And so what I typically do is kind of go through – my a client will come to me and say, “But I’ve done everything, I’ve gone to psychotherapy, I’ve been on medications, I have all these people on my team, and it’s still not– something, not quite there yet.” And it’s usually this. And so we go, “Okay, let’s get out of your head and into your body.” And let’s see: What is the story your body is telling us?    And from there, we start piecing the puzzles together to say; What’s missing in the healthcare?  What’s missing in health education?  What’s missing in of what your body needs to no longer need to create this state of survival?  And how do we get you into safety so that that dance between the three systems can resume the way it needs to?   Sundae: Wow, there’s a lot there. I’m also just thinking, “Get out of your head and into your body,” is not an easy request.   Parijat: It is not. No, it’s not.    Sundae: Wow. So tell me a little bit about why would someone come to work with you? What’s happening in their own lives that they end up working with you?    Parijat: Yeah, so I found that over the years, the people who are really ready to do this work are ones who have, unfortunately, had lived experience of how things can go sideways. And typically they are people, like me, who have experienced pregnancy complications and preterm delivery in a previous pregnancy or they’ve experienced second or third trimester loss, or neonatal loss. They have gone farther than your quote-unquote supposed to make it and everything supposed to be fine. And then it wasn’t fine. And it was their lived experience that showed them either there was inappropriate or negligent medical care, or they had the right medical care that they wanted, but something was still missing from it.    And usually, they will have checked a lot of boxes before they come to me. They’ve tried Acupuncture and Chiropractic and yoga and meditation and mindfulness. They kind of have done the whole thing and then they come across trauma-informed care, which unfortunately is not standardized in our maternity and prenatal world. And so that’s what piques their interest and I think what really brings them over to say, “Yes, I’m ready,” is this recognition that it has to be body-based because anything that we do that’s thought based is like just the tip of the iceberg. Expecting that we’re going to address the whole thing and they have lived experience of that to that’s not enough. It may have been helpful but it’s not enough.    And so between that and then just their vision of, “I just don’t want that to happen again and I want to do everything in my power. And if this is a piece of the puzzle, I want to address it.” And they are so clear about that and that’s usually when we start working together.    Sundae: So, that’s the thing that I’ve learned about trauma, is how it is embodied and how it may be even embodies experiences are not even conscious, right? I’ve done some looking into even intergenerational trauma. It’s so complex. What is trauma-informed? What does that mean? And how do people know that they’re getting trauma-informed care?    Parijat: Yeah. So the phrase “trauma-informed” in and of itself isn’t a great telling, it’s not quite illuminating as much as you would like to think. You really want to work with someone who’s trauma-trained. Because being trauma-informed is very different. Anybody can become trauma-informed if you study enough. But trauma-trained, you know how to actually take that knowledge and apply it. You’re working with any kind of service provider, that’s what you’re looking for. Unfortunately, we’re a little far from that. So, we start with trauma-informed.    And in fact, in my work, when I’m working with providers and practitioners we actually even start with trauma-aware. Are we even aware of what trauma is? And are you aware of how it’s impacting your ability to be a provider or a practitioner? And are you aware of what that’s doing to your patient, your client, your customer?    So you know what we’re looking for is a provider, a business owner, whoever it is, when you say, “trauma-informed,” I think that generally is kind of the larger umbrella of these nuances I’m talking about, to be aware that the state of my body and your body in this interaction will impact how this interaction goes. If I had to put it really simply. And it’s this idea that if either one of us or both of us are in a survival state, what we are going to put into this interaction and what we are going to get out of this interaction, will only be filtered through survival physiology.    Meaning if I’m in a survival suit right now, I am much more likely to misinterpret a vague facial expression or a change in your inflection in your voice as something that’s threatening versus if I were in safe physiology, I would be much more curious about, “Oh I wonder what you meant by that,” and, “Maybe there’s a different explanation for what you just said,” or something. And that is especially important, I think in the medical system or any kind of healthcare system where there needs to be an immense amount of trust, not just with the provider but also from provider to patient. That needs to be there in that if it’s dependent on the physiological state of each person in that relationship, then we need to be able to identify what those states even are to know how to build that trust, that safety, and the communication between the two.    Sundae: So, when I hear that, I think is very cutting edge, when I think about the industry. Especially in the medical industry, it’s about “the other,” the patient, you’re always looking at them and it’s not about you. And even in psychology, there’s this is this blank slate. So it’s always about the other.  And what I’m hearing from you is there’s something about attunement, attunement with yourself, attunement with the other. And I love this because I’m a qualitative communication researcher and I always believe that our presence impacts outcomes. So it’s like, the state that we are in and our energy impacts people. So oh my gosh, when I hear that, I hear that it is such a high level. It’s a high bar. But it’s the right bar. And it is, it is what we need to be thinking about to give people the type of care they deserve for these high-stakes.    Parijat: Yes.    Sundae: That’s massive. So I’m curious about you, what do you need to do as a practitioner to show up? I’m going to say, clean, right? Where you’ve done your work, you know you’re in a secure mode. What do you need to do to prepare for your interaction with your clients?    Parijat: Yeah, I would say there’s two things. Okay, three things. So: I work with a very, very, very small number of clients at a time for this reason because practically, I want the flexibility to be able to be available, if anything does happen and they need some assistance, they’re at the doctor’s appointment and something happened, or had to go to the hospital and something happened. Just for practical reasons, but also because it is really heavy work. And I need that space for me and some of that space is then filled with alone time, some of it is filled with my own system to help me kind of rejuvenate and myself.  The second thing I would say is I have a recognition that I’m not going to show up perfectly and so my intention is never to show up with, “I am safe, I am fine and I’m ready,” because that’s not realistic. And especially in this pandemic that keeps going on forever. It’s not realistic. And that is, if we’re going to add one more word to the approach that I have, it would be a salutogenic approach of, we’re not going for perfection. We are going for the fact that physiological safety is what we want as a common experience most of the time.  And also there will be times when I am activated and that’s real. And so do I have what I need to help me come out of that before each of those calls. And so it takes the pressure off that things are happening in my life as well.    Sundae: Yeah, watch the news.   Parijat: Right? Which, I don’t, because I would never show up anywhere.   Sundae: Exactly. I just think that you are setting the bar high and well, right? And I think, it’s a great model for other practitioners to follow. I would also add, for other industries, like in the coaching industry, in the psychotherapy industry, for other industries where we’re dealing with people’s lives and their futures. It is so important.    So can we – there’s so much I want to cover with you but let me just focus on a few things. Tell us more about what we need to know if you are going to engage in trying to have a pregnancy or are in a high-risk pregnancy and if there’s something in your life experience that is creating uncertainty around that. What do we need to know, if you’re the one going through that?    Parijat: Yeah, I would say first and foremost that even if you are diagnosed as high-risk, that doesn’t actually mean anything for your outcomes. I know that that can sound really scary when a doctor says, “You are officially a high-risk pregnancy,” or, “Next time you’re pregnant, it will be a high-risk pregnancy,” and that phrase can be really scary for some people. For some people, it’s very validating because they know that they’re going to get extra care and for others it’s really scary. And so I really want to highlight that just because you have that qualifier it doesn’t say anything about outcomes. All it means is you are at added risk, you or future baby are at added risk for complications. And so you will have likely additional monitoring, more than a low risk pregnancy would.    And that’s all we know for a fact. Beyond that, then we have to take it almost like peeling an onion; “What do we know now? What do we know now?” And the reason I say that is because I find that we often treat pregnancy as similar to outside of pregnancy in that physiology is different than when we’re pregnant but we forget how dynamic the physiology is over those 40 weeks. And so there’s very little, I feel like I have to say this, often to people who want to work with me about, I cannot predict. If even if you do this work pre-pregnancy, I cannot tell you what’s going to happen in the first trimester or the second trimester because what I can tell you, is it will be different. And even though you say the neurobiological body based work for trauma healing pre-pregnancy, there are things that will unveil themselves in pregnancy that we just don’t know what they are yet.    And, and so I think being really open that because it’s a dynamic experience, having all the way through is so important. We can’t spot treat pregnancy. I mean, we really can’t spot treat anything in health but really not with pregnancy. We really can’t do that.    And then, what I often recommend is especially if you have a history of anything, to really do your homework and dig deep to find answers. I have a personal very strong belief and value that when a physician or any kind of medical practitioner says, “We don’t know,” it means, “We don’t know yet.” And that means somebody can help you find it. And if it’s not this provider who will can it be? And that is some of the work that we do sometimes is finding that provider or that practitioner. So don’t settle for no answers. Look for them. Figure out what happened before and get really clear on what that might mean for your future pregnancy. Where are the gaps? Get really clear about that. The more you understand what happened before, the much better off you’re going to be about making different decisions for your next pregnancy.   Sundae: So interesting. I use the word surrender in the beginning and there’s obviously surrender. But I’m also hearing agency.    Parijat: Yes, yes.   Sundae: And it still doesn’t mean the outcome is going to be what you want, but there is agency to impact how this dance happens. That’s beautiful. That is beautiful. There’s something that just gives me hope, right? It gives me hope in a period of lives where they feel out of control or it’s like, “How does my body know to grow a uterus? That happened.” And it’s so beautiful. You do feel out of control. It feels like it’s happening to you, but I’m hearing you can do some things to regulate. So what are I know there’s a lot of nuance here, but just big picture, what are some of the things that your clients do or practice during their pre-pregnancy or pregnancy process that impact their experience?   Parijat: Well, pre-pregnancy, we consider it kind of the foundational phase where we do a little bit of everything. So, we’re doing somatic work to help them heal from what they’ve been through before, whether it’s a loss or birth trauma, medical trauma, whatever it is, we do some of that. We their health to make sure that they’ve got what they need for a strong foundation for a healthy pregnancy, often times, they’ve developed a chronic illness or an autoimmune disease, that’s often stress induced from the previous pregnancy, hypertension, autoimmune diseases, things like that.   So we want to kind of get that addressed from a neurobiological perspective because they’ve got everything else covered in of diet and lifestyle and all of that. And then we go into their healthcare. And we go; “What questions haven’t been answered adequately yet? Can I get you those answers or do we need to build the team out a little bit differently? Are we interviewing new people? Are we firing people and hiring new ones? And what’s going on there.” And we do all of that in that foundational phase to get them set up and part of that is helping them as we talked about the beginning, get back into their bodies, which you said so perfectly, is very, very difficult to do.   And so especially if you’re living in a body with traumatic stress, your body is actively trying to keep you out of it because you don’t need introspection when you are in that survival state. And so we very, very, gently do a lot of practices that are actually personalized to each person’s physiology but essentially tapping into the sensory system, the sensory motor system and helping kind of re-access these parts of our bodies that we had access to before whatever happened to get back in very, very gently. We don’t go into, “Tell me the story of what happened there.” Clients are willing to tell what they want to share, but really we’re allowing the body to tell the narrative first.   Sundae: I think that’s so fascinating. And keep in mind my work is also very CBD based like very cognitive, processing, and very word related. And that’s one of the things I think we are sometimes too much in our heads in our stories and we’re we are ignoring the story in our body and that’s why the work is so important. And it’s not something we can see or rationalize, right? It is bigger than that. And I want to say it’s like the animal of us. That’s the mammal. We’re mammals. And so you’re working with the mammal body so to speak. Because nature really has it figured out. And we’re just ing that. ing how to be a good mammal is kind of what I’m hearing.    Parijat: Yeah, absolutely.    Sundae: It makes me think about how important this work is for anybody, regardless of their family status or what they’re trying to create in the world, just getting in your body in that way. I’m curious what clients report later about the skills that they learn for things that are none pregnancy-related. What is it that people say?   Parijat: Oh my gosh, I got a message, not too long ago, actually, from a client that I worked with, gosh, it’s probably been three years now. I can’t believe that I can’t, but it must have been three years, at least. And she sent me a message and we had worked through my whole Path to Baby is my program through pregnancy from conception through homecoming. And after her whole, really complicated experience, and all of that, she sent me a message just recently saying, “I had to take my child to the pediatrician,” for I think a vaccine, her checkup or something, and they were scared. And they were really having a tough time being there. And she said I was doing the practices with my child and my pediatrician was watching and my child just completely felt so safe, all of a sudden, you could see it on his face, his whole body just changed, and then they were able to proceed with the appointment and whatever they’re doing.    And just to hear that from somebody, she didn’t just do this for herself, she did this without her at the time knowing the fetus could impact could benefit from the work that she was doing. And now it’s come into parenting as well. So she’s teaching her child, her toddler that this is how we are in the world when we feel scared, when we feel overwhelmed, when we feel helpless. I just – I cried. I just went, “Oh my goodness.”    Sundae: You’re making me tear up. No, because that’s the bigger question. How do we stop this cycle? How do we stop the stress cycle? How do we stop the trauma cycle? How do we not on those hard unhealthy patterns that we learned? How do we create new patterns? What you’re doing, this is what I meant about there’s a larger impact that you’re having beyond the individual or that family. It’s much bigger.    So that child will go into the world and self-regulate in a way that others might not, and they’re going to it on to the team they lead when they’re adults and their partnerships. It’s just gorgeous. I love the work that you’re doing. It’s so amazing. I’m just wondering, is there anything else that we need to know about your work or things that are often misunderstood around the topic in the work that you do?    Parijat: I think there’s one thing that pops into mind which is kind of what we started with. We hear the word stress tied to health complications and especially around reproductive health, and perinatal health. And it can feel really shamey and blamey. And so what I really want to hit home for people is that stress is the word that describes the physiological chain reaction our body has at a nonverbal level to keep us alive. That’s all it is. And sometimes it shows up as thoughts, sometimes it shows up as mental health symptoms, sometimes it shows up as cardiovascular symptoms, respiratory symptoms, reproductive symptoms, digestive symptoms but it is a physiological chain reaction that happens outside of our verbal abilities.    So it is not your fault. I really, really want to drive that home. It is not your fault whether you have developed an autoimmune disease because of traumatic stress or chronic stress. If you have heart disease, if you’re dealing with asthma, if you’re dealing with pregnancy complications, it is not your fault. And your body is asking for what it needs to come out of this survival state. It sounds so “whoo” sometimes that I don’t know how to make it sound more concrete but our bodies are asking for it. And we just have to retrain ourselves to hear it.   Sundae: We have hunger, it’s a signal. We feed it. And so if we have stress response, it’s a signal. And that’s why I think we don’t do well as a culture, right? If we’re hungry, we know to eat. If we’re thirsty, we know to drink. But if we have stress, we normalize it. “Oh, you must be really productive.” You’re like, “You’ve got a lot of responsibility.” Or we glorify it, or if you’re stressed and then not doing it right. We don’t look at it like another internal signal for our bodies.   Parijat: Yeah, exactly.    Sundae: Yeah. Up until my 20s or even early 30s, I live from the chin up, which is basically ahead, and my body was like, actually let’s just ignore the body. Let’s work against the body. And at least in my culture, I didn’t learn how to do that and I have to do that in my 30s and 40s.   Parijat: RIght. Yeah.   Sundae: So the work that you’re doing, I know who you work with directly but I think it applies big picture for so many people.   Parijat: It does, yes. And in the pandemic actually, I ended up expanding my services a little bit to outside of pregnancy because there were just so many people who are recognizing, “Oh, we’re 18 months in. We’re two years in. I get it now. My body is screaming at me and I’m ready. I’m ready to approach it differently.” So yeah, I agree with you that it’s quite generalizable in some ways.    Sundae: Yeah, it’s beautiful. So I before we kind of try want to speak a little bit about your own personal experience. I’m curious, what advice you have for people who are in relationship and community with those who are going through this process, who are trying to start a family or have had complications in the past. What advice do you have; what should we do? And what should we absolutely not do?    Parijat: Don’t tell them to relax and calm down. Do not say that. I think if you can ask yourself when you’re around somebody who is clearly exhibiting that they are stressed, they’re overwhelmed, they’re fearful of whatever lies ahead on their family building journey, I would say it’s two things:   One is, can you reframe what they’re saying or how they’re behaving to; What are they asking for? Because I think we tend to switch it to just judging behavior, like, “There she goes again, cleaning the whole house, she’s just so neurotic like that,” or whatever it is. And instead, looking at, “I’m not going to try to stop her from doing that, what does she possibly need and can I help her find that?”    And truth be told to be able to do that, I think requires you to do your own work. Quite honestly. If you want to somebody through this, as we talked about before, your physiological state is going to impact how that goes. And so prioritize that so you can show up the way you want to for your loved one. And I think that’s true for whether you’re a family friend, but also if you’re a provider or a practitioner. It’s so important.    We talked about trauma-informed and we talked about trauma-healing. It’s not just left to the patient to do that work. It has to happen at a systemic level. It has to include the practitioner, it has to include the hospital or the clinic, they’re part of it. It has to include the industry and the world overall. So we all have a role to play in helping prevent birth trauma, medical trauma, and ending, as you said, intergenerational trauma and really perpetuating intergenerational healing starts really with each of us individually. Whatever the relationship is that we have with that person.   Sundae: And that’s always one of those things, I realized, even for example, as I show up as a parent, I’m like, “Oh man, this is actually about me.” *laughter*   Parijat: *laughter* Always.    Sundae: It’s like I got more work to do. Dang it. I thought I could get away with it but no, I can’t. Do you mind if we focus on you for a little bit?    Parijat: Sure, sure.   Sundae: It sounds like you do such amazing work. And it sounds like part of your work, is doing your own work to stay in that commitment to your clients. I’m curious a little bit about, what’s going on in your life bigger picture. There’s a lot going on in the world. As you know, I have this process called ATT: Ambitious, Transformation, Transition. I’m curious, what transitions are you feeling right now?    Parijat: Oh my goodness. I feel like everything is IN TRANSIT at the moment. I think parenting is one gigantic transition from conception through end of life, it seems. So keeping up with the changing demands from the children and as a parent in this world. I’m in the middle of a big transition business-wise in incorporating some of this work to provide the for providers and practitioners to really meet their patients, where the patients need to be met. So that’s been really exciting.    And a lot of personal transitions about where we want to live and where we want to be, and how we want to move around in the world, given that we are a high-risk family and we’re still an ongoing pandemic. So I would say we’re at the point of transition with lots of questions and not a lot of answers quite yet.    Sundae: That’s a lot. Yeah, that’s a lot. So, when you think about that journey for you, oftentimes when we’re in transit in so many layers, there is an internal transformation that happens. Or external, for example, the pandemic, or something performance led. It kind of sounds like you’re going through all three transformations at the same time.    Parijat: It seems like it. Yes. That would probably be very accurate. I think I’m definitely most inspired by the internal transformations for sure. Once I can understand, imagine, visualize, whatever we want to call it, what that next step can be, it feels like everything clicks into place. So, a lot of the work for me has been internal, even when there are external transitions happening.    Sundae: And I’m guessing because one of the things I talk about is we do – I think this is where our work is aligned when we’re in transformation, we can shape it, right? Because that’s what you’re doing with your clients, you’re helping them shape their experience, maybe even shape the outcomes, even though we can’t always control the outcomes. What are you doing now to shape your transformation?    Parijat: I think I am spending a lot of time getting really clear about what I want. For me, I think that helps me to know where I’m headed. If there’s any level of clarity about that. If it looks like a mirage to me, I won’t move. But if I can get some kind of shape around it, even if it’s not super clear, I’ll at least start to take several steps forward. And in those steps forward, it becomes clearer and clearer. Are we going straight? Are we going a little left? Are we gonna have to turn right? What does that look like? But so I think for me that’s a really, really big part of the transformation process.    Sundae: It’s good. And I’m guessing you’re doing all of your work, like your embodied work to stay grounded in that process. So in of ambitious, what is your definition? Or what does ambitious look like for you right now?    Parijat: Ambitious right now, is starting to look like playing by my own rules. Recognizing which rules don’t work or never have worked. And I’m not going to play by them anymore. Really rewriting them for what makes sense for me, my family, life, health, all of that, regardless of what it sounds like on paper.    Sundae: Right, you know what’s so interesting? I just talked to one of my groups that I have about that right now that we feel like we’re in a time where we used two, maybe even three, four years ago, we used to look to best practices. Or we would look to thought leaders, gurus or whatever and we would absorb that. But now we’re at a position where it’s like, “No, we have to look inside.” Like you said, “Your own rules.” But it’s noisy. There’s a lot of noise out there. So how do I shut out that noise? And listen to myself and do my script. Not someone else’s script.    That’s interesting. I’m seeing that in many conversations I have with people. And my hunch is that all that we’re seeing with this environmental crisis, racial reckoning, pandemic polarization, we’ve been put into that state of, “Wait a minute. Now, I decide. I have to make my choice.” Because it is hard when we are in polarization depending on where you are like, “There’s two rights. Oh wait, there’s two wrongs.” You know what I mean? It’s like, “No, wait a minute. What is right for me? What do I need to do?” So it’s interesting you say that, and so wonderful. Thank you so much for everything you’ve shared.    I want to hear more, Pregnancy Brain is a brilliant book that you’ve written, can you tell people a little bit about Pregnancy Brain and where they can go to find it?    Parijat: Sure. So that is the book I wrote, it’s going to be about four years now. It’s hard to believe. Pregnancy, Brain was a book I wrote specifically for people who are going through a high-risk pregnancy, though, I have heard from people who are not yet pregnant who have really benefited from the book as well. And it’s intended to be a resource to give hope and to give agency and show where we have some agency. There’s actually an entire chapter on surrendering so that resonates very much about really showing you where you have the power to influence the change or the direction of your pregnancy. None of us who are going through a high-risk pregnancy or are naive to the fact that anything could happen. And also it’s really meant for people who are looking for, “Okay. But even if anything could happen, is there something I can do to influence that?”    So it talks a little bit about the introduction to stress physiology and its impact on pregnancy. It has a little bit of my story, a little bit of client stories for motivation and hope. And you can get that from my website parijatdeshpande.com there’s a link there for the book, it’s available on Amazon, and you can ask your local independent books stores and libraries and all of that to bring that over to you.    Sundae: That’s so good. Well, we’ll make sure that we put the link in our show notes. Thank you so much. Do you want to tell our listeners, what you’re working on next?    Parijat: So I’m building out the consulting piece of my business to work with and partner with clinics and organizations and hospitals. Anything from fertility clinics, all the way through niques and anything in between, to really help them implement trauma-sensitive practices, which includes not only how they work with patients but also how they their own employees to be able to show up for patients the way that they need. So that’s kind of next.    And then building out some more opportunities to speak on different stages about this concept of stress physiology and pregnancy outcomes and how we just cannot afford to ignore this anymore. We cannot afford to keep talking about stress as a cognitive thought based mental health issue, we have to incorporate it as part of standardized prenatal care. So that’s just one of the many things that are going on over here.    Sundae: It’s so wonderful for me, I just love watching how your work has grown, and the impact has just multiplied over the years. I think we met over 5 years ago, I know maybe 6 years ago. So it’s just been wonderful to see what you’re doing and I think you’re such an amazing steward of your talents.   Parijat: Thank you. Sundae: That you’re making such an impact in people’s lives. So thank you so much for being here and sharing your wisdom with everyone. And thank you for those who are here listening to IN TRANSIT with Sundae Bean, I appreciate you being here as well. I’ll leave you with the thoughts from Albert Schweitzer said: “The doctor of the future will be oneself.”     Enjoy The Show? Don’t miss an episode, subscribe via iTunes or RSS. Please leave us a review in iTunes (or here for Android). The post 296: The Stress Monster with Parijat Deshpande appeared first on Sundae Schneider-Bean, LLC..